Horsetrader's Daughter

Horsetrader's Daughter

2 chapters / 4422 words

Approximately 22 minutes to read

Description:

**I will continue to update it as it comes**

In a world of dragons, pirates and magic, comes a thrilling adventure that will pull you in by the reins and keep you holding on until the very last page.

Secluded by her own mother because of her mysterious magical abilities, Princess Relinia grew up believing she was a monster like the creatures that surrounded the walls of her kingdom. But when a vicious enemy attacks the castle and overthrows the crown, Relinia is sent to live in a small village where she lives as a commoner. There, she takes on the role of trading valuable horses, capturing the heart of a prince, and finding the courage to reclaim her throne. It is there that she is made into something she is proud of, a woman with a silver tongue and powerful abilities. It is there that she learns what it means to have a family and love them in return. It is there that she becomes a horsetrader’s daughter.

Comments(7)

Me

3 days ago Sal Serio said:

Very interesting. You have my attention. I look forward to more. You did very well with your world building. That is what I always get bogged down in and keeps me from actually getting anywhere with my writing.

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19 days ago Emily Jaya said:

This is very interesting so far. I do feel that although it is quite engaging, it's quite hard to connect with the story and the characters. I think that the pace is a bit too fast, and maybe adding in more descriptions will help make the story more compelling. You might also want to work on developing the characters a bit more. For now, it seems like you're mostly just telling a story and not really making it connect to the readers. However, I love the plot idea and I'm looking forward to reading more!

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24 days ago Memma said:

I love what you have written so far, and I am excited to see how you continue the story. I can't really see Relinia as a ten year old, but other than that, I greatly enjoyed these first two chapters. Keep up the wonderful writing!

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29 days ago Anna M said:

That was really interesting! Keep updating!

Reviews(17)

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3 days ago julia isabelle said:

Chapter One:

She was born AS maybe? It doesn't flow, like if I said, I was born Julia. If I said I was born as Julia that fits a bit better :)

"eyes AS crystal blue", if you are comparing something to something, you need to have, as white as snow or as green as grass.

Okay, so we are learning about her and then boom a raven? And she is looking out a window. You really need more description with this, does this happen the second she is born? Maybe say "as time passes, blah blah about the raven".

Noooo more raven!! And poor her!! But that is totally something that would happen, so good job! :)

"she revealed to posses magic..." maybe she appeared to possess? Revealed doesn't really flow as much.

"the moment she spoke leo" should be "spoke 'Leo'..."

She has quite the connection with animals!!

The wording of her relationship with Leo feels exactly like the relationship with the raven. I get that you are trying to show her connection with anymore, but to avoid what feels like lazy writing I would have some new word choices. Special connection, inseparable bond, ect seem overused.

Same with giggle, she is a giddy child but use different vocab words to show that

Wait wait wait, she thinks she is a monster? Where did she get that idea? explain more why she feels that way, the turning point from princess to monster since thats a pretty big leap.

She grows up very fast, I want to know how old she is when her parent's tell her about the prince she is to wed! And what happened to Leo? If she doesn't know, make that clear since you make it a point to invest the reader in their relationship

"she knew that she would be free..." maybe "she DID know she would be free..."

"the queen placed a delicate..." maybe "placed THE delicate..." since you already established what the chain was, it wasn't just any random chain.

Wait, if she could hear Leo now how come she couldn't all the other years? Why didn't she talk to him to make her feel better? Why didn't she ever try to sneak away and ride him?

Ooooo good cliff hanger ending!!

Overall, this chapter was good, content wise, but I would highly suggest a line by line edit. Read some part out loud so you can hear if they flow/ sound natural. Good job though, can't wait to read more!!

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3 days ago Ember Fowler said:

I read the first chapter, and would be happy to read the second for another swap. Here are the notes Imtook while reading: It's starts off rather suddenly and I was a little confused what was happening Okay, but if I were that queen, I'd be like "wtf bird, get away from my baby" if I saw it just fly through the window Wait, what, she can MANIPULATE HUMANS? This is going a little too fast. How did Leo and her become friend so fast? They're getting her married? What about that whole "our daughter is a menace" thing? "The meeting of the princess to the prince of Larena" - "to" doesn't seem like the right word here The handmaidens are harsh "don't lean over the edge you'll fall to your death." Dooteedoo

So far, it's pretty fast paced. You don't take a lot of time to elaborate on emotions or surroundings. That can easily be helped by spending a couple minutes adding those in. The ending of the first chapter was a nice cliffhanger, but again I didn't really get any emotional pull because you didn't give us a ton of time to really get to know the characters. Keep writing, and as always, have a good day!