Horsetrader's Daughter

Horsetrader's Daughter

6 chapters / 9789 words

Approximately about 1 hour to read

Description:

**I will continue to update it as it comes**

In a world of dragons, pirates and magic, comes a thrilling adventure that will pull you in by the reins and keep you holding on until the very last page.

Princess Relinia grew up believing she was a monster like the creatures that surrounded the walls of her kingdom. But when a vicious enemy attacks the castle and overthrows the crown, Relinia is sent to live in a small village where she lives as a commoner. There, she takes on the role of trading valuable horses, capturing the heart of a prince, and finding the courage to reclaim her throne. It is there that she is made into something she is proud of, a woman with a silver tongue and powerful abilities. It is there that she learns what it means to have a family and love them in return. It is there that she becomes a horsetrader’s daughter.

Comments(7)

Me

4 months ago Sal Serio said:

Very interesting. You have my attention. I look forward to more. You did very well with your world building. That is what I always get bogged down in and keeps me from actually getting anywhere with my writing.

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5 months ago Emily Jaya said:

This is very interesting so far. I do feel that although it is quite engaging, it's quite hard to connect with the story and the characters. I think that the pace is a bit too fast, and maybe adding in more descriptions will help make the story more compelling. You might also want to work on developing the characters a bit more. For now, it seems like you're mostly just telling a story and not really making it connect to the readers. However, I love the plot idea and I'm looking forward to reading more!

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5 months ago Memma said:

I love what you have written so far, and I am excited to see how you continue the story. I can't really see Relinia as a ten year old, but other than that, I greatly enjoyed these first two chapters. Keep up the wonderful writing!

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5 months ago Anna M said:

That was really interesting! Keep updating!

Reviews(20)

Me

4 months ago Mari said:

Chapter 3:

I reread chapters 1 and 2, and now onto my review for 3!

"...from the inside out, and from the outside in." - for some reason this doesn't really make sense to me, using both of these. It's not really completely accurate to the situation, because really it's just "from the outside in," at least in the way you described it?

"...gave out a shriek" - a bit of an awkward way to word this, I would just say "shrieked" for simplicity, but this is a personal preference

"She tried to study his face...She noticed he didn't have a face." These two sentences should be in the same paragraph, since they're talking about the same thing, and it's a bit awkward that they're separated. You could also maybe combine them and say like "She tried to study his face, only, he didn't have one. He wasn't human." Or something like that?

"...filling through her veins." - slightly awkward, you could try either "...coursing through her veins." or just "...filling her veins." for a bit of a better flow!

"...the carriage[,] and it..." - added comma

No!! Not LEO!!!!

Okay overall I really enjoyed this chapter. It was a good mix of action and transition to move the plot along, and I'm interested to see where you go with this. One suggestion I would make would be to show more of Relina's feelings in this chapter - she just lost both of her parents very violently, and the only glimpse of sadness we get is at the end after she loses Leo too, and even then she comforts herself pretty quickly with the thought of freedom. This is a bit unrealistic in my opinion, unless she's really not an emotional person in which case I would comment on that too, but just a thought! Overall great job!

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4 months ago Jessica Nicole said:

Chapter 3:

Nice opening sentence here. I love the way you intertwined your descriptions and what your MC is feeling.

Morlana sounds like she was just naturally evil from the beginning. How did her dress catch fire? Was she arguing so intently that she didn’t notice? I love this line: “Her anger ate her alive.”

My only other question is, if Morlana was so powerful, how did they successfully banish her in the first place? Wouldn’t she just have fought back and killed them then? This just stuck out to me.

On another note, it totally makes sense to me now why everyone was so scared of your MC. They were afraid of Morlana, and worried MC would turn out like her.

You used the word “situation” twice in the sentence starting with “She wished her parents understood the reality of the situation…”

Same with the word “venomous” in the paragraph that starts with “Suddenly, she sensed a venomous…”

“She found herself in (a) the creature’s memory…” remove “a.” Also consider breaking this sentence onto two, as I think it is a run-on.

Oh no! Isi is dead! That’s really sad and very sudden.

My only though on this point was that the part where the carriage topples and is falling down the cliff could us e a little more description. The scene could even drag out a little longer to capture the amount of time it would take for the carriage to roll and fall and roll again. Maybe add some deafening crashed and jarring thuds. Does the princess get injured? Slam her head against something to make her almost black out.

Other than that, I felt this chapter had a lot of action and a lot of important background information. There was a good balance of both. It also left me in suspense wondering what was going to happen with the wolves! Great job.