The Blossom Tree That Grows in Spring

The Blossom Tree That Grows in Spring

2 chapters / 3523 words

Approximately 18 minutes to read

Description:

©2016
*Inspired by the Vocaloid song, Blossom in Spring-Luo Tianyi
A modern retelling of the sweet story about childhood friends becoming lovers.

Comments(11)

Отдых

9 months ago MaxVor said:

Thank you! All well-written and interesting. I look forward to exciting new blog! ShowBox

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about 1 year ago Sarah Spradlin said:

Well, better late than never; I only read the first chapter, but I loved it! Kinda like Learning, this is a quiet story, and I think it's meant to be that way. Your writing style is great. There were a few typos and grammar mistakes toward the end of the story, but for the most part, it was on point there too. You did a great job creating relatable characters and a sweet slice of life story. Keep writing! I really enjoyed it. ;)

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about 1 year ago Gabriela Q. said:

Sorry for not reading this sooner! So I only read the first chapter because I'm in a hurry to be somewhere so I'm not able to read all of it right now. So far I really like it. You have a very nice way of describing things so that it is easy for the reader to picture what is going on. There was only one question in my head the entire time I read this. Are they in India, or somewhere else? It is not super clear whether there is just an indian store in the town they're living in, or if they are actually in India. You saying how she was surprised to be around so many people with a different skin color than hers made me think that this isn't taking place in India, but I wasn't so sure. So maybe if you just elaborate a little bit more of where they are exactly. Other than that, I loved it! You capture the protagonists emotions really well, and I love your descriptions of everything. Keep up the awesome work!

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about 1 year ago Unknown said:

Hey, this was a really great message - I loved the description about the relationship of the two families together in the beginning and how you described all of their conflicting emotions. A very uplifting piece. Nice work and keep writing! Unknown ;)

Reviews(21)

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about 1 year ago Autumn Leigh said:

This is for our swap, It's just kinda random notes and some of the things I point out might just be my personal opinion :)Sorry It's so long.

Firstly, I really like your story in relation to the poem you based it on, the modern twist works well. You story has a good flow to it and it isn't too long; I really enjoyed reading it. Here's some stuff I think you could improve.

Punctuation and sentence structure: You vary the length of your sentences a lot which makes the story flow really well. You do, however, seem to use a lot of commas which can make the story feel the same pace all the way though. Try using some more range in your choice of punctuation, such as using semi-colons.

Characterisation: I feel like the reader could know a little more about the characters so they are really rooting for them at the end. Because the story is told through her point of view, we don't find out many of her personality traits throughout the story. I feel that if the audience knew more about about her they would have more of an emotional connection with her. However, I do think Khamani was described well.

Random notes: "sobbing a little": sobbing is not something you can do a little of, I think this could be changed to "crying a little"

"Can I have it Mrs Desai?": Because she speaks to Mrs Desai in a formal matter, I think she should of said please when asking.

"The last thing my family was in ethnicity was Japanese". This sentence just doesn't sound right to me, I think something like: " my family were not of Japanese heritage" would be more fitting.(might just be me)

The girl seems to young to know the word "cocky" when describing his smile, as she is only 9 at the the time. "Smug" may have been a better word.

"Just the whole town in general..." I think you should get rid of the "just", it sounds a little strange.

Overall, I really liked the plot and message of the story. Keep up the hard work :)

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about 1 year ago Megannah Eyre said:

Okay I am here for the swap! So the way I swap is I just type as I read so it may seem random so I apologize but I find that it’s the best way for me to give you a thorough review.

“I [have] never been to an Indian clothing store before….”

“…I was amazed[,] yet terrified at the same time.” Okay you don’t necessarily need “at the same time”, it’s a tad bit redundant.

“”….on a normal day, I wouldn’t mind.” I don’t think “Wouldn’t” is the right word to use there, I could be very wrong though! It just seems awkward I would substitute “didn’t” instead.

I notice you use a lot of comas which is fine, but the pace of the writing seems clunky. Try to vary the pace a little bit!

“You could be the richest Indian boy in town already.” Take out “already”

“I was [kind[ [of] a cry baby before I became a teenager….”

“I became a teenager, so I was sobbing a little…” Okay I think that “sobbing” isn’t the right word here. Sobbing conveys powerful, hard crying so it doesn’t work with “a little”. You could take out either or and it would work!

I really like your tone, it’s very natural! Your characters are really interesting and I love the message that you convey. Just watch out for being tooooo colloquial in your writings. While I admire your natural and easy style, don’t be too natural. It should be similar grammatically to what you would hand in to your English teacher, without sacrificing your voice. Other than that, this was great! I liked it a lot!