Floor 13 - A Floor Above [COMPLETE]

Floor 13 - A Floor Above [COMPLETE]

15 chapters / 14297 words

Approximately about 1 hour to read

Description:

COMPLETE - SEQUEL COMING SOON - BOOK ONE OF THE DAMON LOCKE SERIES

Thirteen is a very unlucky number. Pair that with a knife toting killer who loves to play games and you have a murder on your hands.

Did you love the short story Floor 13? Then you'll love this continued version.
-Cover by The One and Only

Comments(25)

Trin_aster_pro

9 months ago Trin Aster said:

ERMAHGERSH IT'S DONE!!! *throws confetti* WAHHOOOO, it was REALLY good, oh my gosh, I'm so happy you finished it!!! Congratulations!! Oh and about the ending with the author note, you asked which background, honestly I'd like some of Eugene's(love the name btw), I want to know more of how he became what he did. So that would be AWESOME, for the main character, honestly I think both are good, and you could go for both, just a little of both, but that's up to you :) =) :P

This is really good and I FREAKING HOPE you come out with another book. So good, gurl!

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9 months ago Stormie "Ducky" McNeal said:

WAIT THERE SHALL BE A SEQUEL?!?!??

I LOVED DA ENDING GOSH DARN IT X{D

I do however agree with Jon on most points, right now, it is a first draft, so I am here just as a reader, not a reviewer, making sure the story is interesting as possible BEFORE you fix everything else.

It kept me hooked. Most first drafts don't do that.

Just keep writing!

I CANNOT WAIT FOR DA SEQUEL.

Pokemon

9 months ago A.R. KYRON said:

Oh my God......!!!!!!! This book is more dangerous than Eugene! It's ending is killing me in suspense. I'll be dead by dawn if you don't promise to continue it.

Pokemon

9 months ago A.R. KYRON said:

Hooooooooo Only two chapters left!!!!! Can't wait to read !!!!!!!!

Reviews(7)

Haley_propic[1theoneandonly]

9 months ago Haley Kissell said:

Hey everyone! I just wanted to say thank you for reading/review this to whoever comes across it. I just wanted to let people know this is the first draft. There will be more edits as time permits.

Happy writing and reading everyone!

-H

Me

9 months ago Jon said:

Hello again. Blah blah read as I go. Blah blah grammar. Blah blah, that's all the same. I'm only going to read the first chapter of this one.

Why? I've thought about for a few hours, and discussed it with my roommate. As I mentioned in my review on the short story, it's cliched. I'm interested to see how the bigger story takes the idea though.

BEFORE THE STORY:

(I'm not going to be as formal on this one. It's past 2 in the morning here.)

I like the addition of the subtitle on this one. Especially knowing what it means.

The cover is cool. Not much to say about it.

Really don't like the description still. It feels too jumbled, but it also doesn't leave any room for mystery. I know what happened in the short story. I want to know more, but I feel like I won't really learn more. Based off of context clues, I think I have a good idea what happens in this story. We'll see though.

THE STORY:

So obviously the first chapter is the same as the short story. Bold move there. Can't really critique anything more on that. It's all in my other review. I will say I'm surprised this is the start of your story, but then again, as I said, I think I know what you're planning on doing here. It's not about the murder, but more about finding the murderer?

So since I've already read Chapter 1, I'll go ahead and read Chapter 2.

I do want to say before going on, I'm not entirely sure I would go on. Chapter 1/the short version is a pretty decent stand alone story. The last line, the ending...the entire thing...doesn't really make me want to go on though. It leaves questions I don't really feel need to be answered. Not in a way I need to read an entire story for at least. That's just me though.

CHAPTER 2:

Who's talking? I get the dialogue. It's not hard to understand. It's a back and forth. Pretty simple. So I'm not entirely sure it's necessary to differentiate the two somehow, but it would be appropriate. (Though I'm not sure that's the correct word to use here.)

Interesting choice to make up a place. I wonder why you chose to do that?

"San Tobal Police department." Department should be capitalized.

"pepper and salt hair." I have never once heard that description, but it's a pretty good description. :)

"A five o clock..." I'm not entirely sure on this one, but I think it should all be hyphenated. 'Five-o-clock'. Again, not entirely sure though.

"...from where he hadn't shaved over the weekend." You know why they're called 5 O'clock shadows right? It's not really for a multiple day thing. It's more 'I shaved in the morning, but it's starting to grow back now'.

"If there was one thing he hated(,)" There should be a comma after hated, "...it was being woken up for a murder." Yeah, I probably wouldn't like that either. Not sure how many would, really.

"He knew the day was going to be a bad day." This sentence is the epitome of what I think is 'wrong' with your writing. When it comes to technique, for the most part, your writing is really good. You have small issues that will likely be caught on rewrites, but your writing flows, is coherent and complete. (And believe me, that is something way too many people on here can't say.)

But, you're writing is plagued with sentences like this. It's repetitive, convoluted, and could be said in a simpler way. (Irony intended.)

The sentence before starts with 'he' as well. It's important to try and not have sentences start the exact same way, unless it is for a reason. Repetition can work, and it can be effective.

'It was SHE who lied to you! It was SHE who did all this!' The repetition has a point. Here, in your sentence, it bogs down the flow.

But then, you also say 'day' twice in the same sentence. If you want to avoid close repetition like starting sentences the same way, you really want to avoid using the same word multiple times in the same sentence.

"He knew the DAY was going to be a bad DAY." This flows right into the convoluted part. Because it's written this way, it makes it way too complicated for what it's trying to say. The sentence is simple, yeah. It's not the philosophy of the mind or anything. There's just an easier way of saying it.

'He knew it was going to be a bad day.' But if you really want to avoid the double 'he', you can combine the two sentences.

'He pulled his coat more firmly around him, knowing it was going to be a bad day.' It's the same information you have. Nothing different at all. It's just not repetitive, and a lot simpler.

-Side note, complicated writing isn't bad. It's also not necessary in stories like these-

I notice you're having issues with comma placement. It's nothing. It's actually quite a common problem. 'But' should almost ALWAYS follow a comma.

"The young man wasn't the smartest(,) but he was a good lackey(,)" There should also be one after lackey actually.

"She worked here." That answers the only question I had. Sort of. I still am interested to know why she was there at such a time.

I do wish in your dialogue you would add...more. It's just the words here. How are they saying it? What's the flow?

"He said she had gone up to her office to get some papers she had left." And that answers that. I literally have no more questions now.

"You do know you've just made our job harder." Again, HOW is he saying this? Is he angry? Or just upset? Or is it half a joke?

"He might have some valuable information!" Is HE angry? Or just exclaiming it?

"Tessa Hurt was an elegant woman-" I've not read past this yet. But I'm pretty sure this is going to be an exposition dump. If that is the case, then...well I'm going to read before I say anything.

So it's not a exposition dump! Yay! It's a time/location jump? OK.

I don't think 'band' needs to be in italics.

"...noticed about Damon Locke..." Do we need his full name again?

"...that always graced his thin lips..." I love this. You told us a feature of his character in a way that wasn't outright saying it.

If 3 is going to be about eyes, maybe switch 1 and 2? It's a little weird to bring up his eyes, switch away, and then go back.

San...Tobal is a very Californian sounding name. I'll give you that.

"...with that Cheshire cat grin..." We already have the image in our mind, so here you can just say grin.

Yeah...I don't really like the rest of this. Since you don't ever mention who is saying what, it really doesn't help. Since there's no infliction or anything, it's kinda dull. The dialogue itself, well it's boring. It's a nice bit of information and I like how it's starting to expand the character, but how it's written is boring.

"Mhm." "So do we have a job?" "It seems we do..." It's all so plain. Add flavor! Throw in spice. Help us know how the characters are feeling through all this. What are they thinking?

"Yup. Janitor found her." Damion said through subtle nods.

Tessa sighed, "What does that make? Three? This month?"

Just something. Because "Mhm" is terribly boring. In fact, I would highly recommend trying to find the way to not even have it. Find another way to get the same information across.

OK, moving on.

The ellipses on the last sentence makes it seem like Locke's words trailed off. Thus, this isn't a finished thought. This is incomplete. It feels incomplete. Part of that is because of the split perspectives.

They both just stop. The first one with the detectives could easily keep going, and I don't think it really makes sense to switch away there. The second one really needs more. It's empty.

This is an issue I see with a lot of really young writers, and mainly writers on Figment. "It seems we do..." Is not a cliff hanger. This is not a complete chapter. There is a lot more information you could put here, and easily make it a complete chapter.

I'm not going to go on, mainly because I need to get to sleep. I did skim through some of Chapter 3. Quick thoughts. Who is speaking in the first line? Why is the husband there? What happened to the first two guys then? If this entire chapter is about Tessa and Damon, why have the two guys at all in the first chapter then? Why start your story that way?

I skipped to Chapter 13. Yeah, pretty much what I was expecting. Obviously there's some I don't get, but the basics are there. I figured he would get caught. A little disappointing in how it's done, since the main character don't do it, but oh well. I would HIGHLY recommend starting Chapter 2 with Damon and Tessa then though. Forget the detectives guy. (For that moment.) Focus on these two. Extend the piece, and find a good ending. Then bring in the other two when necessary.

OVERALL:

Again, not bad. Just could be a lot better. Hopefully the edits really help improve this, because I know it can be really good.

I saw the coming soon thing. I would not worry about that right now. Focus on editing this. With that, I wanted to talk about something on saw on your profile.

All the different stories you are working on, and how finished they are.

Focus on one. I have 4 novels I'm working on. (Full on novels.) I write one for a few months, then switch to another for a few months and so forth. In some ways it works, but it also helps ensure nothing ever really gets done.

Right now, I would focus on editing Floor 13. But then I would pick a story you are the most passionate about and go from there. Don't overwhelm yourself. Now, maybe you're not, and that'd be great!

If I have the time, I might come back and read more. If I have the time. I'm interested to see how you play things out.

Last thing here, I just want to emphasize, this isn't bad. It's cliched as cliched can be, but it's still far from bad.