Map to Atlantis

Map to Atlantis

1 chapter / 2961 words

Approximately 15 minutes to read

Description:

This is for my Figgy Idol audition! Wish me luck!
Tanner's mother and sister are gone and it's all thanks to that stupid map to some magical city that he knows doesn't exist. But when Tanner stumbles upon a cave filled with mermaids, he has to admit that maybe he was in the wrong.

Comments(4)

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9 months ago Michael J said:

Great story, thank you for sharing!

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10 months ago Ruby Red said:

Good Job Abby!!

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10 months ago Jo said:

I really enjoyed reading this :)

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10 months ago MaxVor said:

Thank you! All well-written and interesting. I look forward to exciting new blog! ShowBox

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10 months ago Zavier Alexander said:

This is a nice concept. Mysterious map that doesn't go away, lost civilization, and missing family members has 'quest' written all over it. Reading through, I noticed some things that could help this story be better. Instead of telling me what is going on, show me. Throughout the piece, I never felt drawn into it simply because you were telling me about it and didn't let me experience it. It is something that took me a while to learn to do, but, I feel that once you master this your stories will get better. Another thing is to change the tense to present and active. 'I heaved myself onto it and stood there for a moment.' What you can do is this: 'Heaving myself onto the ledge, I got to my feet as my eyes searched the area.' What this does is it shows action, character placement in new environment, and that the character is curious. I think you could revise the story by cutting the first part of the story. Starting the story with the character in the water at the beach holding the map would be a better start. Establish the character, including the sex because I completely missed it till the end when you finally say 'he'. I had to reread the story to see if I missed it. You mention at the beginning that he has a twin sister, but never mention that he was male. I judged the sex based upon actions and language. I was shocked when it wasn't a female at the end. Put some back story into it while he holds the map and he can tell us some of what has happened and then he gets grabbed. This will engage the reader sooner and hold onto them better. I wanted to stop reading before this moment happened and that is what you want to avoid. Go into better details about the environments and the people. I was able to somewhat see the people while saying to myself, “This is not the Little Mermaid.” What did they wear? Were they wearing anything? The lead character is male so what went through his mind when he saw the mermaid for the first time? He finally got rid of the map, was he happy? How did he notice the map was gone? I think once you clean up the story some more that it will be a good start to a series. It ends somewhat open that would allow you to carry on with it.