Sleep Deprived

Sleep Deprived

3 chapters / 2078 words

Approximately 10 minutes to read

Description:

Dustin Pruit began to have nightmares. He doesn't know why he's having these horrible dreams, but it's taking over his life. He can't go to school, work, hang out with friends. His life is changing dramatically. He's too scared to sleep, he's too scared to do anything anymore. Will he somehow manage to make these nightmares go away? Or will they completely destroy him?

Genres:

Writing, Action, Horror

Comments(4)

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7 months ago Kylie Elaine said:

This is awesome, you're a really great writer! I'm so looking forward to reading the rest of this book! P.S, welcome to the group:)

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7 months ago Lizzi said:

I read the first half of this story and I could see that you had a good idea based around it. I just had a hard time picturing the moments in my head. It flowed a little fast.. But I do hope that you continue to write, edit and revise because that's all writing is about. Good Luck!

xoxo ~Lizzi

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7 months ago Kyla Ann said:

I think this will become a very interesting story! I can't wait to read more! I love how the characters are being shaped and I am very curious to see how the plot unfolds.

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7 months ago Arietta Coleman said:

I like the connection to his friends and classmates. I can connect with dealing with slackers. I was with the same group of knuckleheads from kindergarten to when I graduated high school three years ago. I was glad to get rid of them, lol. I really like this so far and hope you write more soon. :D

Reviews(9)

Magic fox profile legal with name2

4 months ago Naomi Folettia said:

Review of Chapter 2

**Disclaimer Note: If I ever quote something word-for-word it's because I have another tab open for more productive reviewing.**

Okay, so you seem to have a tendency to write in a lot of details that you don't need to make explicit. The reader can assume lots of stuff. The first paragraph, in that sense, can be merged with the second and, try to, as I said in my other review, use more action words. So instead of "I smiled" say, "Smiling, I sat down beside Kellie." or "I smiled as I sat down beside Kellie. The teacher was writing the word 'Debate' in large font on the board. Kellie and I glanced at each other, confused."

They drive cars? Okay so I'm a little confused... how old is the protagonist? At first I thought he might be 14 because the plot starts that way and I was assuming you were showing how his 14-year-old school life is like. But now in this chapter you say they drive cars. Are they sixteen or older?

As I said in my other review, you seem to like to use the word "before". Try my suggestion in the Chapter 1 review. I highly recommend it :)

For the overall story review, I do like the way you show how he interacts with his friends. It's very natural and I can imagine the scenes and they make me smile :) Especially when Andy defends his "muscle" or how he's obsessive with his truck. And then Dustin is just enjoying it all.

This has been a short review, mainly because the chapter was short, but overall I see that you have set the stage...though I do think the two chapters can be merged. You could end Chapter 1 with him drifting off to sleep. Then it ties into the plot. Then we can see maybe this is where it all begins.

Anyway, happy editing! :D

P.S. The first part of writing down the story, that's only the draft. Not even Stephen King had a perfect first draft. Editing is a big part of writing a story. Keep that in mind and I hope my reviews help :) If you have any questions, feel free to ask on my wall :D

Magic fox profile legal with name2

4 months ago Naomi Folettia said:

Review of Chapter 1

**Disclaimer Note: If I ever quote something word-for-word it's because I have another tab open for more productive reviewing.**

First off, just a note on the plot, since Dustin began to have the nightmares at age 14, you need to talk about time-passing. So something like "these horrible dreams, but it has taken over his life. He can't go to school, he can't work or hang out with friends." What I'm curious is why he can't go to school. I know you intend to make that clear probably in Chapter 1 but I think you can mention it in the plot, which seems to essentially be your pitch. "He can't go to school, too tired from too little sleep." or something like that just to give the reader a little sense of his predicament.

Okay, that's all for that :P

Now the review of Chapter 1. The way my review works is that I'm going to go point by point on things that caught my eye and then give an overall general review of the whole chapter at the end.

"I ran a hand through my dark hair with a sigh."--So, first, this story is in first person which means saying "a hand through my dark hair" sounds awkward. The reader doesn't really need to know what color his hair is and saying "a hand" is just unnatural unless you take out the hair description and make it "I ran a hand through my hair with a sigh." or, since it's past-tense through the story, "Sighing, I ran a hand through my hair."

"I let out a groan"--This is telling. Show the groan. Such as "Ugh," I groaned, forcing my voice out my throat.

"rambling on about the assignment will be due tomorrow"--Should be "rambling on about the assignment that will be due tomorrow"

The beginning of the next paragraph has a list of actions in an unclear order. So he glanced over (at what?) hearing the bell, before he stood... He heard the bell before he stood? And then he gathered his books in his arms? Or, did he hear the bell, gather his books in his arms, and then stand up? I think you need to separate this part in two sets of actions: first, he heard the bell and second, he gathered his books. Sometimes you don't need to say that he stood up. If he gathers his books and hurries out of the classroom, the reader can assume he probably stood and gathered his books. Sometimes a lot of detail is good, but sometimes, you can cut some off :)

In fact, that whole paragraph has some details that can be cut. I think what you want to convey is that: He heard the bell. He gathered his books and was in such a hurry to get lunch, he didn't have time to ask the teacher for assignment help. He dropped off his books in the locker. He went to the cafeteria.

You don't need to illustrate all the movements he made. It seems to be your style? Or maybe your habit? A fellow writer once said, "Trust the reader." The reader will know what movements the character has made so you don't need to tell them every detail. Trust the reader and cut some detail out. Try it, as a challenge to yourself :)

"I sat down before I looked to them." Here's the detail again. If you want to keep it in, there is a way. "Sitting down, I turned my gaze up. "Hey guys, what're you talking about?" I tilted my head." If you do put detail in, the key is to make it an action, to make it like you are watching it happen before your eyes. It might help to imagine a movie scene. Your book as the movie. Imagine watching it on the screen. What are the important details you need to tell the reader? What parts can you leave out?

"I pushed up the glasses on my face."--Can be "I pushed up my glasses."

"I reached over the table before I snatched his book."--Your use of "before", I can understand, but it is a bit confusing at first. Try making it into an action sentence. So like, "I reached over the table, snatching up his book." You have a few of those "before"s. I would suggest doing a word search and see if you could make those sentences into action sentences. It helps drive the reader forward into your story, too :)

"Government, it was the class..."--Connect it with the previous sentence. I was a bit startled when I saw this. Suddenly the Government is involved? "...last class of the day--Government. It was the class I had with Kellie."

Overall, with this first chapter, I'm not entirely sure where this is going. I was hoping for a bit more of the "horror" side to appear in the beginning. Just a hint. For example, "Hey guys! Man, I had an awful dream last night." "Did you cry?" Scott laughed and followed by the others. Scowling, I pushed him and he pushed me back. But quickly, they all went back to where they left off, dragons."

We don't get much but it is a little bit.

If you would like to know truthfully, I'm only interested in reading the next chapter based on the plot, not based on how the first chapter ended, which ideally, should be the case. Perhaps stretch out the first chapter a bit more. Do a chapter break "***" in the same chapter and start the next paragraph with Dustin going to sleep in his friend's house and having that dream again. That would help move the story forward. Give us a sense of how it all started in the first chapter.

The friendship is cute, the crush is cute, and it's good to show the "light" part of the "dark" story. I took a peek at Chapter Two and you immediately start where you left off in Chapter One. Even though the light and dark contrast is good, too much of it actually slows the story down.

Although, I'll have to take a look at Chapter Two more closely to see how big of a role Kellie plays in Dustin's story. Depending on how important she is would change how much of her should even be in the story.

To back my words up a bit, I've watched tons of horror movies from great to terrible. Idk, how much horror you watch but I've noticed that the very good ones hint at the horror in, what would be, the first chapter of the story. Just a very small hint. Enough so that the watcher goes, "Huh? Wait, what was that?"

I'm sorry if I sound harsh in any way but I just want to help. Horror stories that are part psychological always interest me :) If you have any questions about my review, feel free to ask on my wall. I will be happy to clear anything up :) Comments on my comments are also welcome.

Happy Writing! :D