1 chapter / 1967 words

Approximately 10 minutes to read


For the Internet Besties contest!



about 1 month ago Angeline D. Emile said:



2 months ago BlackRose said:

IT really good


3 months ago Millieron D. Emile said:

Its AWESOME dear.I just loved it!!!



2 months ago Lilian Winona said:

Overall, it's a good and interesting piece. However I noticed some phrases which can be replaced to ensure the smooth flow.

I would suggest you to go through the piece again in order to find out some syntax errors and typos.

Perhaps some scenes lacked description but I can see you had to follow a word limit, so I won't talk much about that.

Anyways, good job! Keep it up!

Sam full (1)

2 months ago Sam said:

First sentence, years should be year. There are a few sentences that could do with some rephrasing. Moving the word down to after Miller’s glove would provide a better mental imagine of the actions. The following sentence would flow better if the part ‘sound of closing of door’ were changed to ‘sound of a closing door’ or ‘the sound of a door closing’

In the text/im conversation, putting ‘lol’ instead of laughs would make that feel more natural. Unless texting/messaging (laughs) is just a quirk of And’s.

Rephrasing ‘and never did miller disclose his original identity’ to something along the lines of, ‘and Miller never did disclose his real identity’ will once again help flow. Also, using ‘original’ to differentiate between an online personality and one’s face to face identity is awkward.

During the first ‘Next day’ paragraph, instead of pointing out Miller didn’t forget to check his phone, I would suggest focusing on his feelings about And not being online. For example, saying he checked his phone continuously or that he was disappointed every time he looked and didn’t see And online. Things like that. Saying he just didn’t forget makes it seem like checking is a bit of a chore he’d rather not do.

During the second conversation, if it’s through a messaging system, they shouldn’t be able to cut each other off like that.

Typo, you wrote pocking Albert’s forehead instead of poking.

Match night Instead of ‘had to let And from his mind’ phrasing it ‘had to get And out of his mind’ makes it feel more urgent. The phrase, ‘even if from sometimes’ doesn’t make sense to me. Did you mean like, ‘even if only for a while’?

Miller’s thoughts should say, ‘same feeling as me?’ since thoughts are in first person. Following thought, ‘Must be not’ should read ‘Must not be’.

In the ‘Night’ section where And and Miller talk about And hurting someone, Miller says, “He must be suffering from acute pressure.” That seems rather clinical and not usually something one thinks about a friend. Is Miller familiar with very specific types of stress?

Okay, overall there was a lot of tense confusion. Sometimes verbs were in present tense, other times they were is past tense. The narrative needs a consistent tense to keep the sense of time flowing forward.

There is also a lot of syntax errors. I would recommend researching sentence structures and becoming familiar with regular and backwards syntax.

The ideas are there, but there was also a lot of just ‘this is how this is’. I’m not a fan of the phrase ‘show, don’t tell’ because a lot of people take it too far, but the advice does come from a solid place. There were a few places with descriptive sentences. {Such as when you described the freezing wave pass over Miller.} Largely the reader was just informed of events and actions which doesn’t draw them in well.

There was a lot of awkward word choices. Don’t try to sound too, technical. Max in general doesn’t seem technically minded, so the diction for his narrative shouldn’t be too technical.

About the plot. So, the plot flowed pretty well until the end where is crashed in on itself. There wasn’t really a lot of hinting And & Max are the same person before the reveal. One could argue And & Max are both very aggressive and And being so supportive of Max’s team are hints. But that’s mostly on And’s side.

The ending interaction isn’t very believable because there has been no emotional investment into And or Max. Readers are just shown that Max is a jerk until the ending. And Miller is just supposed to forgive and forget? There was no real internal debate over this and just telling Max that everything was okay without reason for forgiveness? One doesn’t just hate someone and then go, ‘But it’s okay you tormented me, no biggie.’ This can really jar and make readers further disconnect.

My recommendation would be to go back and fill in more development before the reveal. Maybe have Max be less of an aggressive jerk or have some moments where Max and Miller talk civilly. That rivalry Miller claims to enjoy at the end is just not sold by the rest of the story. Also stating or giving more info on the sport they’re playing could help build tension during matches.

Personal thoughts, the story held an interesting premise. I liked Miller and was intrigued by And, however Max felt like an empty bully stereotype and lost my interest quickly. Practice, research, and read to improve. You have potential.