From the other side

From the other side

1 chapter / 2006 words

Approximately 10 minutes to read

Description:

Cassandra heard about the app that has been circulating her school. Allowing people to communicate anonymously online, Cassandra met a person whom she was able to confide and show her true self in. Not knowing that the person's real identity was Claud, whom she dearly hates as much as he hates her. The two formed a relation built in trust, connected by their feelings of loneliness.

Genres:

Writing, Romance

Comments(3)

Avatar-thumb

2 months ago Krishna said:

I really enjoyed this :) The idea is very interesting

I agree with the others comments of the others on grammatical errors

It felt a little short, maybe draw out the beginning a bit to form more of an emotional connection between the readers and the characters

Lifeguard symbol

4 months ago Christian Morrison said:

This is a pretty good story. There are a few sentence structure issues, but the plot is pretty great. Two thumbs up!

13319905_10209614827545102_5681619437566285555_n

4 months ago NF Kris said:

I love it!

Reviews(1)

Lifeguard symbol

4 months ago Christian Morrison said:

As for sentence structure, I can point out a few places where it's a little awkward to read and try and suggest a different way to write it.

"impatience have gotten the best out of the beholder of the voice"; you could change 'have' to 'had.'

"'My battery's will soon break if continue charging while using it, why did you always want to put up voice chat for the whole night anyway?"; you could reword that first part a little differently. "Did" could be "do" maybe? Since the thing in question is still occurring and not just something that happened in the past. Also, I would use a semicolon or separate the two sentences to give a bit better flow.

This isn't a specific sentence thing, but you seem to switch between present tense and past tense verbs. Using just one will help with clarity. Most people will understand what you're trying to say, but it helps to have one tense to explain the whole story.

When "Snow" asks about when the two of them will meet, I would put an "or" before she says "I'll kick you" or make it another sentence entirely. Just to help with the flow.

Okay, I am also noticing that you have a lot of comma splices, which I've already mentioned a few. It's an understandable error, what with the period and comma right next to each other, but it would also be good to go through and fix those to help with the flow.

There is a moment or two where you interrupt a sentence with a comma as well, such as "Commoners, shouldn't be greeting me so casually"

I'm sorry if all this sounds really judgey. I really like the story and I think it has a chance in the contest, but it doesn't hurt to have the best possible flow and clarity going, either. Anyway, I really like the end when they finally realize that their love was greater than some hate based off of social hierarchy (I added that last part, as I kind of thought of it when I read the story.

Anyway, great job! I hope you make it in the contest! Have a great day!