i am damaged

i am damaged

1 chapter / 1534 words

Approximately 8 minutes to read

Description:

i havent done a contest in forever so heres the #internetbestie entry

also- 10 points if you get the title reference

Comments(4)

Me

7 months ago Jon said:

There is one more thing I wanted to add, but didn't really realize until right now. What does the title have to do with anything?

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7 months ago Hannah Grace said:

I love this! The setting was great in every scene, and I really liked the ending. It left a lot to the imagination, which is nice because now each reader can make up their own ending based on their own personality. I think I would have made the first online conversation a bit more vague, so that there's some more suspense in the story. Overall, great job!

Picture of me 29

7 months ago Kitsu Ki Yo said:

It flowed pretty nicely and the pacing was well-done with this entry. As the others said also, the characters and the transitions are pretty great as well. Keep up the good work and good luck in your entry!

Unicorn

7 months ago Kat Hartla said:

Really really like!

Love the fact that they have a whole easy friendship including watching series together, but I have two critiques: firstly, surely they would both connect the dots instantly from that chat? and secondly, Jess's reaction doesn't seem beg enough. She's just found out her best friend is the girl who gives her hell in school...

Wonderful story though, love it!

~KAT

Reviews(2)

Me

7 months ago Jon said:

So you know, I review as I go, not after. I don't really focus on grammar. I'm brutally honest. If I like something, or don't, I will tell you. Above all, I genuinely want to help you become a better writer. Through everything, that is my goal.

BEFORE THE STORY:

THE TITLE:

Is it a reference to Suicide Squad and the Joker? Other than that, I'm not sure what to think of it.

The description doesn't tell me anything about the story.

The cover is really cool though. I like it.

But before reading anything, I have not the slightest clue what to expect.

THE STORY:

I like your first sentence. It's a bit odd sounding, but I'm not sure if there's a better way of saying it. I like it.

"Attempting to keep her glasses dry in the downpour." Oh, I can relate.

Nebulous is not a word I've come across too often on this site, and you used it correctly too! Nice. :)

"...just a little further'" This should still have a period.

Why the double space after this before the next paragraph? You're not changing scenes, or jumping in time or anything. I don't think you need it.

Holy...OK. Gotta break this one down.

"The trek home usually didn't bother her, but the combined weight of a long day and heavy book-bag and..." Don't have more than one 'AND' in a sentence. It becomes a run-on sentence, and this is quite a run-on.

"...and the worry that your electronics might be damaged by the time she got home..." You switch persons here. 'Your' and 'she'. The story so far has been from the 3rd person. It should stay in that. In this case, 'your' should just be 'her'.

"..she got home made the..." Comma after home.

"...made the three miles from the school a chore." That is a really long sentence. So let's break it apart. Something like:

'The trek home usually didn't bother her. The combined weight of a long day, a heavy book bag, and the worry that her electronics might be damaged by the time she got home, made the three mile journey from school a chore.' Something like that.

"She could barely afford rent this month," Period instead of comma.

So I'm assuming she's in college? If that's the case, I would consider replacing 'school' earlier with 'college'. It's necessary by any means, but I would consider it.

There needs to be a new paragraph here. Either with "These thoughts occupied..." or "She pulled out her laptop..." Both of those are a new thought.

I'm curious where her phone was during all of this. I've been outside during some heavy downpours and have never really had a problem with my phone.

"Tumble." -_- Does she go on FaceScroll too?

OK, backtrack. "...going to her favorite social media site. Jess was..." People reading this might be expecting to see what the site is. When you bring it up at the end of the second sentence, it feels too late. You had the chance to introduce it, and then kinda didn't, just to do it.

'...going to her favorite social media site, Tumble. Jess was a huge fan of the small blogging site.' Same information gets across, but when expected, and in my opinion, it flows smoother.

"She went under the name of..." I would try to find a different way of saying this. This is very expositiony. Yes, stories need exposition, but the trick is to get it across without the reader noticing.

Side note, I had to read deltalies about ten times before realizing it was delta lies.

"deltalies: I am going to..." I wonder if this should all be written in italics.

"She waited for her friends response..." This should be a new paragraph since it's no longer part of what she is typing.

I read her rant. How old is she?

"bitoch" How old is she?

OK, so she's not in college. I guess this feels more appropriate for someone in High School, but so many questions now! Again, how old is she? Does she live alone? I think so since she's supporting herself, but if so, then why? How? Like legally, how?

It's hard not to critique the bad grammar in york-smork's responses. Obviously it's intentional, but I can't say I like it.

"That is like the opposite of what happened to me!" Would you look at that! How weird.

"Guess that's why we're friends." I know it's still early on, but don't pull a Star Wars. Don't just tell us they were good friends, show us.

"Secondly episodes" I feel like this is a play on something like Tumble was. I'm not sure though.

"Flix password" This one is though. So here's the thing, be careful with going too overboard on the fake sites. I get copyright and all that, don't worry about it. Not until you're actually thinking of publishing at least.

If I was reading a story meant to take place in the real word, I would be a bit taken back if I read something like 'He pulled out his phone and Goggled it.' That's not exactly what you did - you sorta did it with Tumble -but be careful not to get to that point.

"It's always nice to vent to someone." Yeah, it really is. :)

"Even if she's pretty sure..." She doesn't know?

"Especially if they live far away." The other side of the country tends to be far away.

Oh York is a girl. I thought York was a guy this whole time for some reason.

"York know a little about...but never pushes to know more. Jess don't know...but she does know..." That's four 'knows' in two sentences. I would find the way to rewrite this information. Again, it's very expositiony. It's like you're holding a sing saying 'USEFUL INFORMATION'.

"selecting the icon of her only friend" We know she's her only friend.

"the show is, and questioned how the show..." Again, just the repetition here. It bogs down the writing. You could just say 'and questioned how it...'

"And thus duo parted..." You're missing a word here. This is actually the perfect example of how I feel towards this piece. It can be really good, it's just not quite there. It's not bad. It's not bad at all. In fact, this is on the better side of things I've read. But you're missing some things.

It's weird to see this giant jumbled paragraph, with repetitive words, all talking about something that we honestly should be shown, and then get a 'sophisticated' sentence like 'And thus, the due parted.' (For it to be grammatically incorrect in three different ways nonetheless.)

I can tell you're trying. That's more than I can say about a lot of people.

"And thus duo parted, yes as..." You really shouldn't start a sentence with 'and'. In novels, there's not really a reason for it. Obviously there's the missing word I already mentioned, but this really should be two different sentences as well.

'Thus, the duo parted. Yet, as Jess thought...'

"...Jess thought back to their earlier chat," We literally just read this chat/stuff about this chat. Like a paragraph ago. I don't think you need to say 'earlier'.

"It's too much of a coincidence." I don't believe in coincidence. I feel like this isn't once.

I feel like things are moving along a little quick here. I know this was for a contest, so I understand there was probably a word limit, but if you plan on editing this and really working on it, I would consider expanding this out. This first night could easily be a chapter of it's own.

"...the stuck up Kaitlyn..." This shouldn't be the first time we learn her name. Especially since you've already spoken so much about her. Why not bring up her name when Jess is writing about her? If she's brought her up before to York, then it makes sense.

Ohhhhh. Oh. It's probably because York is Kaitlyn, and that's where this whole thing is going?

Oh. OK. Well I can honestly say I didn't see that coming. HOWEVER, I did find it really weird for Jess not to mention Kaitlyn's name during the messages, or apparently, at all. Or for York to be her only friend and for her not to know anything about her. That's a little weird to be honest.

I kinda skimmed through the rest of it. Quick point, 'The two stared at each other for a long while.' They're still in school. They have a time limit here. How long is a long while?

OVERALL:

Eh. I need to say, I have no idea what the rules to the contest are. I don't know what you had to write. I intentionally kept it that way. Partly because I don't care, partly because I shouldn't have to.

This story is not bad, and I want to emphasize that. It's not bad. It's actually kinda good. It's not great. Just good. It can be great. I truly think you can make this a great piece, that really stands out and wows people. There are just some things holding it back.

You start off the story extremely well. I loved the setting, but then it never really gets back to that level, and things don't really go anywhere.

She super worried about her phone and textbooks, and I know you're using that to show us that she's poor, but then it ends up not mattering because you just tell us anyways. Plus once she's inside, they're not even brought up again. (The phone is, but for a different reason.) She never checks to see if they're OK.

The conversation with York is a little weird. I assume it's part of the contest, so I can't really say much about having it in the story. As it is, it immediately rings some alarm bells. I get why you didn't tell us York's real name, but it felt weird. Jess not knowing anything about her, and yet York being her only friend, doesn't really make sense.

Jess not saying Kaitlyn's name also doesn't really make sense. Especially since she's brought her up before.

Again, I understand this was for a contest. By this point, I'm pretty sure I've figured out what was required, and under the circumstances, I think you did a fine job.

I think you can do better. With some tweaking, you can make this really work, and make this a great story.

Hwgfoll

7 months ago Courtney Dozier said:

Wow! This sounds really good! Unlike some of the other entries, Jess actually figured it out on her own instead of them choosing to meet up or anything. I think that was unique and interesting about it. Also, I like how you ended it, leaving the mystery there of what they'd do next. There was one part that I got what you meant but it wasn't entirely clear - when Jess says that that was exactly what happened to her, that sounds as though they both were made fun of by another girl who was richer than them for being poor. It's probably fine because I get your intent, just wanted to point out that it could sound confusing. Besides that, you did an awesome job relating the awkwardness of the situation, and the story flows really well.