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Approximately 2 minutes to read
A collection of short stories and other things
*~*The story in this collection changes from time to time to get different feedback. There will be a notice in the comments/review section when that happens. Thanks*~*
2 days ago Courtney Dozier said:
I can also totally relate because sometimes I reflect on like life and everything and other people just don't understand. Perhaps being crazy is what we should be. That's the message you got across here - that everything is relative. We think being crazy is bad because it's different and people don't act normal, but maybe in reality being normal is what's wrong. This was short but really cool! I hope you continue it!
5 days ago Ritu said:
That was a really awesome story. There was a little punctuation problems. At least I think so. Anyways great book. Let me know when there is more.
5 days ago JarleyDiAngelo said:
love your book. I didn't find anything that needs to be fixed really. I love the plot and it's just, perfect!
9 days ago September Edenshaw said:
Weew! I like this story, it's full of meanings! Maybe you can add some commas and maybe less cussing? I hope to read more of this. I like your writing style and the narrator's point of view.
3 days ago Call Me Alysa said:
I'm here to help you polish this piece, so please take it into mind that these are my opinions and you don't necessarily have to take them into action. I don't have a lot to say about this story because it's so short, but I'll do my best.
Okay, first of all, this is a really intriguing story. Secondly, I feel like you could polish up the grammar a bit more. (Example: Your first sentence: "Have you ever been... Distracted?" The D in distracted should be lowercase.) You could run it through a spellcheck before posting. :)
Your descriptions are really quite vivid, "Her eyes are pearl gray and her skin is like smooth caramel." Good job!
I like how you bring up what other people are saying about the emcee, it gives us a sense to his personality.
I kind of wish you had what he said to the therapist not in italics, that felt pointless, but I'm sure that you had a reason for it.
"I pity others like her. I really do..." Good ending lines. I think you don't need the three periods at the end, one would do.
Good job with this! This truly has potential with a bit of polishing to really shine. :)
5 days ago Sam said:
The intro paragraph does a good job setting up the, ‘Okay, where is this going?’ vibe that feels appropriate for this kind of short story.
Typo: ‘Distracted’ shouldn’t be capitalized. In the sentence starting, ‘It bother me’ there should be a comma after ‘me’ and before ‘but’.
Formatting: Sentence starting, ‘Her eyes’ should start a new paragraph.
In the sentence starting, ‘All these’ instead of saying ‘things’ being more specific would add more wait to the imagine. Some suggested replacement, ‘thoughts’, ‘voices’, ‘memories’, ‘accusations’, ‘claims’.
Formatting: ‘My thoughts evaporate’ should start a new paragraph.
The sentence starting ‘Leaning back,’ should be combined with the next one. Or you could just edit the beginning to ‘I lean back.’ Currently the sentence lacks a subject and while sentences without subjects can be used in writing the inferred subject is the last one of the previous sentence. Which in this case would be the doctor.
Formatting: His words shouldn’t be italicized. He’s just speaking and italics are visual cues of thoughts or words spoken with emphasis. If it were a style thing for just his words, the beginning sentence should be italicized.
I’m not sure why the doctor doesn’t understand him. His thought process follows the Socratic Philosophy of questioning everything. If she’s a trained professional assigned to his case, she should know that.
Overall it was a well written story. Present tense is always tricky and it isn’t often done well, but it was done very well here. The story doesn’t feel like it has an ending and has that odd plot hole at the end. It works wonderfully as an introductory piece, but is weak as a standalone.
Personally, I did enjoy it and would read a continuation if there ever was one. Good luck with your future writing and hope this helps!