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Approximately about 2 hours to read
9 days ago Jeremy Blaire said:
Been awhile since I logged on, but here are my responses to all of you.
Petra: Thank you so much! I will take your criticisms into mind. I feel like I've grown with the character as I wrote her. I'll go back and edit the beginning at some point to convey that same sense of self that she has later.
Lizzy: Same goes. I actually wrote the first couple pages much earlier in the timeline than the rest of it. I suffer from a major depressive disorder that makes it hard to do work sometimes, so I take long breaks from writing and often the tone is somewhat different when I come back.
Jellie Cake: They all treat each other the same, regardless of age. They have been imprisoned within an environment where the passing of time is an impossible thing to measure. Sure some are older, and some are younger, but they've all spent years there without any real way to tell how much time has passed. I guess every day's the same, after awhile.
Matthew: I really appreciate your review! The first chapter, or the first half of it more so than the second, definitely needs some sort of re-write. Edward and Dulce WILL make another rather important appearance, a bit later on. We still have more heroes villains and misunderstood magical creatures to meet before the writing is done. When Leah awakes in the camp, I tried my best to convey a complete sensory overload. So if your senses were overloaded by the amount of description used, that was in fact my intent. I may trim it down at some point, but the seeming over use of descriptive terms during that scene best conveys, I think, how incredibly overwhelming it is for all one's senses to be suddenly increased in sensitivity 1000 fold.
10 days ago Lizzy said:
I love your book!! It's so totally awesome. I do agree a bit with Petra about the first paragraphs, but every book has one of those, :). I can not wait till you update it!!
17 days ago Petra said:
Let me say this at first: I didn't like the first paragraph. The description of the rain was a good idea. Nevertheless, I think you can do better! Well, at least judging on the rest of your story.
I think you have a natural flow with the words and descriptions, so it reads pretty easily. Sometimes though, it gets a bit too informal which I didn't like but other than that, I liked it. I don't know if it was intentional but it reminds me of hunger games. I must admit that I haven't read the book until the ending but still, I think I have got the big picture.
So as for me it is a great story. If I have time in future, ill try reading the rest.
21 days ago Jellie Cake said:
WHAt?! If forty is young, and Leah is even younger, then Leah really has no business talking down to Devon all the time, haha. Maybe its just her protective instincts
16 days ago Matthew Klingforth said:
This is very engaging sci/fi and I love the fantasy twist. The action scenes are truly brilliant. Your knack for balancing both tempo and description are at par with R A Salvatore, whom there is simply none better. The characters are good. A little boxy at first, but the reader warms to them as the writer does. Really liked Edward and Dulce (the rebel contingency?) and hope you broaden them with the story. Your layering is great. Truly. Each new character and idea is introduced in a well paced, carefully placed arrangement and reconfirmed throughout. Her ongoing self-loathing (less than human) and the way she sees her skin growing back like creepy fungus. Great room for growth there.
I think that you are a very talented writer and look forward to reading this ms. If I were to really suggest anything it would be the amount of symbolism and emotional description used. It's not that they're not well written, just a few too many (i.e. when leah wakes for the first time in camp). When you're playing around with a re-write, try using just your favorites and I think that you can iron out a few rockier areas.