The Return of Magic

The Return of Magic

24 chapters / 30865 words

Approximately about 3 hours to read

Description:

A thousand years ago, all creatures and beings of magic were driven out of Alibian at the end of the Last War of Magic. They were forgotten over the centuries until a curse sets in motion events that may bring the long lost magic back into the world.
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Rough draft of a high fantasy novel
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Previously titled Wyvern
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Cover by Mercury Winters

Comments(12)

Atheon_rising_vault_of_glass-dark jestr-2

25 days ago DARK Jestr said:

might be too good. I got to chapter 5 then my computer crashed. I'll read more later when i get a chance. but just wow! that's pretty good

2017-04-12-21-34-45-933

about 1 month ago The Faery Tarotist said:

Very interesting concept and the imagery is well done. I love forest scenery and I could hear the twigs-a-snappin! Good job, will totally read more when I get a chance.

Y

3 months ago Lyria said:

Why must you write so well?

Y

3 months ago Lyria said:

Reread it and i still love it

Reviews(18)

Me

8 days ago Mari said:

In Altasin:

"...risen[,] and the city..." - comma

"Shops opened[,] and people..." - comma

I would use more "dialogue" tags when shes talking in her mind, since I'm not quite sure who's say/thinking what - so just clarify who's speaking(well, thinking) a bit more to avoid confusion

"Oh, sorry, sir." - rather than use commas to indicate stumbling, I would use either periods or ellipses so something like "Oh. Uhh...s-sorry...sir." - it doesn't have to be like that, but that shows us that she stumbled over her words, rather than just telling us.

"...hide my face[] and cutting..." - no comma

Try not to have paragraphs with just one sentence unless it's a really strong one-liner. So like "The front of the building..." that sentence should be combined with one of the paragraphs around it, if that makes sense?

"[s]he said in a thick accent..." - you're describing the dialogue so this is still part of the same sentence, should be lower case.

"...Daisy[,] and you are...?" - comma

Same goes for the descriptions and actions of her walking up to the room - you can combine them into one paragraph there's no need to have them separate, in my opinion, since they're all related

Another good addition to the story, can't wait to read more! Same comments pretty much that I've been saying before - you can totally add more descriptions, and make sure that if you're having Tanis and Asteri be all buddy-buddy now, you show the development of the "friendship" because I still feel like Tanis should be more resentful of her, but you could explain her thoughts on that to make it more clear!

Me

12 days ago Mari said:

Into the Unknown:

"...producing eerie sounds." - this phrasing is a bit awkward, I would consider revising

"We had been travelling for two days, this being our second night since we left the village." This sentence is really repetitive - you really don't have to say both

When she turns into Asteri and you switch POVs to 3rd person, personally I don't think you need to do that. It was cool to see her transform, but honestly the less you switch out of Tanis's POV, the less confusing it'll be, and since the tone and actions could easily be portrayed through Tanis (there's no like additional information that Tanis doesn't know or anything, and she can already read Asteri's thoughts) I think you should consider keeping the POV consistent for that part as well - though it's just a suggestion!

"I had suspected it would be Atlasin" - Well, she just said she had no idea what area this was, so maybe you could try saying like "Oh of course it's Atlasin! It's a village that many of the traveler's stop in..." rather than have he say she had a feeling, since it contradicts what she said earlier?

"You're probably right...though I still don't like it" - This is a reiteration from the last chapter, but Tanis doesn't put up much of a fight, which doesn't really seem consistent with her personality from before

Overall I'm still interested in where this plot is going! You could still add more details about Tanis's emotions and even descriptions of setting and physical things like heart rate, etc, but otherwise I'm still intrigued! Keep writing!