Release

Release

4 chapters / 2732 words

Approximately 14 minutes to read

Description:

A short high fantasy story told from second person POV.
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Cover by Emberlin .

Comments(10)

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3 months ago FC2006 said:

I simply DEVOURERED this book. Such an amazing experience. One of the best fantasy short stories I have read recently. Looking out for more stories from you ^^

Best regards, Frank

Skitty

3 months ago Blue Lexius said:

By the way I've just realized that your story's actually finished. XD

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4 months ago Chris Pena said:

Well of course I would like this... Favorite part was in chapter 4 when the imprisoned being starts feeling the evil.

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5 months ago Scarlet Warrior said:

Speechless

Reviews(2)

Skitty

3 months ago Blue Lexius said:

That’s a very nice cover. It’s interesting to read a story from a different perspective. When you include the reader as a character who’s been watching this woman’s tranquil life in the forest, it’s actually like you’re seeing her for the first time and livens up the imagination. In Chapter 3 you wrote down:“You both swim to the surface” however you then say: “you float up out of the water, not wet in the slightest”? I didn’t get that part until it all became clear in Chapter 4. The cliff hanger and the making the reader into the villain are so far my favorite bits. Release is both engaging and very beautifully written, and I hope to read more of this should another chapter be published.

Wall3

4 months ago Saleena Nival said:

Hello! So I will review your piece as I read:

So right away I see an issue with tenses. You switch from past to present tense constantly; keep it consistent. Pick either past or present tense and stick with it.

You are very good with descriptions and imagery, and I wish you had more since that appears to be a strength of yours. I particularly liked "the snowy forest around her grew heavy with shadows as the light fades into the west"

At the end of chapter one, I'm beginning to wonder if second person works here. I am also left with a few questions: who am I supposed to be, what kind of creature? Why do I automatically trust this woman? Can this woman see me, or am I just a specter following her around?

So, chapter two: You often start sentences off in the passive; try to stay away from unnecessary passive voice. For example, you say "Reaching underneath, she pulls out a long..." Instead you could say "She reaches underneath and pulls out a long..." In this particular chapter, I notice a lot of passive voice: "moving to look over," "setting it off to the side," "reaching back down." Instead you could say "You look over her shoulder to get a better view of the unstrung bow" and "She sets the bow off to the side and reaches back underneath to pull our a leather quiver..." Your writing would be so much stronger if you used active voice rather than passive.

Chapter three is intriguing. I like the development of the story here. It has the feeling of a Skyrim dungeon.

Chapter four: okay what are the chances that, out of all the diamonds raining down around her, it goes around her as if she has a force field protecting her? It's doubtful. A few cuts won't really impair her and may bring a more realistic feel to this scene.

Okay, I liked this chapter. It is different, and I like the twist. The only thing I have to say is that I wish there was more. It ends a bit abruptly.

I do think that this story has potential to be more, if you ever wished to expand on it. You have a unique creature (god or angel?) and background story that can hold a lot more weight. I definitely think you can take what you have now and expand on it, not content-wise, but writing wise. You have room for really meaty descriptions and way more foreshadowing.

I personally think the second person doesn't work. It seems a bit random, like it doesn't really have a purpose other than to just be there. I didn't really feel like it was descriptive enough with the five senses to put me in the story, and it felt sort of forced. Second person is really hard to do, it's a very ambitious point of view, and I like how you took the risk and gave it a shot. However, for this particular plotline, it doesn't seem to fit.

Overall, this is a good first draft, and I think it really has potential. Good job, and keep writing!