I'm Not Ashamed Trailer

I'm Not Ashamed Trailer

1 chapter / 502 words

Approximately 3 minutes to read

Description:

Rachel Joy Scott was an American student and the first murder victim of the Columbine High School massacre, which also claimed the lives of 11 other students and a teacher as well as both perpetrators.

"I have this theory that if one person can go out of their way to show compassion, it could start a chain reaction."-Rachel Joy Scott

Comments(5)

Capture

4 days ago Jazzy said:

I've not read the Columbine High School massacre myself so this was very interesting to read. Keep on writing, but as the comment below said you could put that it's based on a true story for the readers so they don't get confused.

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10 days ago Priscilla Nakanwagi said:

That's amazing.She is right.

Iamthegeneration_zpsi6vzrdyy

10 days ago A.L. Lombaard said:

Well you nailed the trailer part! I could imagine dramatic music playing, the words flashing across the screen, beautiful scenes playing out and with myself teary at the end.

I really want to read the finished product! This grabbed my interest :)

Erza 2

10 days ago Neona Nyx said:

This doesn't have to do with your story (and I didn't find any problems with it), but you could always put based on a true story because you have quotes from her and a part that was inspired by her personal journal.

Reviews(1)

Me

10 days ago Jon said:

So like I said on your page, I started to write a review for this last night and my computer crashed. So here's take 2, with my thoughts more thought out. For lack of a better term.

Maybe it was because of how late at night it was, but I didn't really get that this was a literal trailer for your story. Trailers don't really work in written format. Just think about what a movie trailer is.

It's a short, usually 2 or 3 minutes long, showcasing a two hour movie, with the attempt to get you to go see that film. This is done through showing, literally showing, parts of the film cut together. The action is what is showcased. Even in non-action movies.

That format just doesn't translate into writing.

There are trailers for books, but they are excerpts from the story. You get a dose of what the writing is like, and if that small part brings you in, then it's done its job.

But this literal trailer, well to each their own.

That all said-

Usually I talk about the title and cover first. No really need here, since it's not really a story. The title is nice. I think it says everything it has to and I think I know what the story is about.

I do want to focus on the description. It seems you have done your research on Rachel Scott, which is really nice. That is actually really cool. I'm not sure if it's a good idea to literally take that research and use it as your description.

You've copied/pasted the first line from Rachel's Wikipedia page.

THE STORY:

"Two guys dressed in black carrying guns walked up to..." A few things here.

First, I wouldn't say 'guys'. It way too informal. Columbine is a serious topic to write about. The writing itself should reflect that. I would recommend saying 'young men' or something.

Second, I know you did your research on Rachel, but have you done your research on the actual shooting? Because I don't think you have, and why becomes more clear in a second.

They were dressed in black trench coats, and that is something constantly talked about with them. It is important.

They did not walk up to the school though. More on this in a second.

Third, I was going to point out the grammatical errors, but, since this is a real event, I find it more important you portray what actually happened first.

-SIDE NOTE- I need to say, I am from Colorado. Though I was very young at the time, I do remember Columbine.

"Dave, noticed the two guys actually students walking up with guns." Commas. Why is there a comma after Dave? It doesn't make sense to be there? There should be commas around 'actually students'. Also, why mention them walking up with guns here again? You already did. Though again, more on that in a second.

"Is this some kind of prank?"

Here is why I don't think you did your research.

Dave doesn't exist. Who is he? Rachel WAS sitting on the grass next to the west entrance of the school. She WAS with a male student, but his name was Richard. Richard Castaldo. He was the second student shot, and was paralyzed.

Richard, not Dave, DID think it was some sort of prank. However, it was not because he saw the two carrying guns.

The two shooters had this whole thing way planned out. They had set up bombs in the cafeteria to go off. When they failed to go off, they met at one of their cars. This car was parked in the west parking lot. Right next to where Rachel and Richard were.

There, at their car, everything was hidden underneath their trench coats. (Which is why it's important to mention they were wearing them.)

Richard believed it was some sort of senior prank because he saw one of the two throw a pipe bomb. The bomb failed to explode. This is when the shooting began. When it failed, one of them shouted "Go! Go!", they pulled out their guns, murdered Rachel and shot Richard.

So who is Dave?

On the reporter:

This sounds like something said on the 9 O'clock news, and not something that would be said to an ongoing tragedy.

With all the quotes, there's not really anything for me to say. They're quotes. I dunno. I can't critique them in any way.

On the premise of the story: Go for it.

Overall:

Who is Dave? If you're going to write a piece about something that actually happened, PLEASE get the information right. It's all out there. When you're writing something like this, imagine a family member of the victim is reading it. How would Rachel's mother react to reading this story?

Or how would Richard react? What would he think?

This trailer didn't really sell me on the overall story. For a few different reasons. One, I'm just not really into these kinds of stories. Two, there's not really anything that stands out and makes me want to read it. There's not really a flow here. Three, Dave. Who in the world is Dave?

I'm really concerned with the fact that you brought in someone who doesn't exist in the place of an actual victim.