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Approximately 7 minutes to read
Inspired by a soulmate timer I found on Tumblr.
Link to cover image: https://trishamitra.files.wordpress.com/2014/07/tumblr_mfiiu57q4p1rjjvruo1_1280.png
8 days ago NF Christine said:
This was filled with so many different emotions. Wow. This was really amazing.
6 days ago Tiny Viking said:
Okay so just to let you know that I comment as I read.
Oh it sounds very interesting about the implants. Very cool idea.
I would though remove the part about “just like every other parent in the world” - it’s just an extreme generalisation. Even when something is very normal it’s never universal (think vaccines: 95% has them but there’s always some who are against).
I kind of have the same issue with “Everyone expected the number to read about 90 years” since age is very individual. I get it’s a shock that she only has that little time to live, but she can’t be the only one. Some kids are born with illnesses that makes it unlikely to reach old age. Maybe change “everyone” to “my parents”.
And “left to live” would mean that she’s just been born. Either delete this part, or tell how long she has left to live from her present day age.
Death lobe sounds cool. But “subconsciously knows” means that it’s purely psychological. Maybe replace it with “indicates” or something similar instead.
Why do her parents only have 18 years together with her? Shouldn’t it be 26? I know that she moves form home when she’s 18 but that doesn’t mean her parents loose time with her. I still have a lot of contact with my parents even though I haven’t lived at home for years.
They sound like awesome parents by the way. I would love to do those things (the only thing I’ve tried is diving with stingrays and that was such an experience). Though I guess I understand how that can become too much in the length when your just trying to grow up.
“I get up groggy…” I would make some kind of break before this, maybe a line ----- or something else to indicate a shift in the structure of the story.
Wouldn’t she and her parents have planned something for her last day alive? At least been there together with her? They would if anyone know the day.
“But time is going by so quickly today” love that line. Very expressive.
Don’t answer emails on your last day! Don’t go to work! Sorry, just airing my thoughts.
“settle myself *into* the chair”
“when my parents *made* coffee”
Afterlife should be in small letters.
It’s your last day. TREAT YOURSELF!
“collapse *into* the seat”
“sit like *that*”
She shouldn’t be driving if she’s about to die.
Oh twist ending!
Well, overall I think it’s a really nice, short, and well concluded story. But I think out could use some more work. There’s quite a few things that just don’t logically make sense, that I’ve mentioned. But I’m sure those can be figured out without ruining the ending and overall moral of the story.
I think the concept is very original and super interesting. I have seen stories about death clocks but nothing quite like this.
By the way I'm really happy that this is a concluded, self-contained story. They're rare but awesome ^^
7 days ago Isabel S. said:
Wow. Great job! It's a very intriguing short story, and I liked how it made me think about how different life would be if we knew the time of our deaths.
I think you did a great job with showing the passage of time, especially towards the end of the story. Normally, you would write numbers below twenty out in word form, but having the numbers in numeral form helps build the suspense of your story. It gives the feeling that you are counting down to the end, which you were.
I only have three comments: near the end of your story, you accidentally put a paragraph break between the words "8" and "hours". But that's an easy thing to fix. Second, who is the main character? I assumed that it was a girl, but you never explicitly said her gender or even her name. Even if you don't say this in the story, make sure that you know it for yourself. The last comment is that your beginning is a little slow. You summarize the first eighteen years of her life in just a few sentences, and I didn't get a very good impression of what her childhood was like. Could you build up on that a bit more? Maybe describe one significant event that represents her childhood in a way?
Again, great job! Keep writing!