The Gaea Emblem [#1]

The Gaea Emblem [#1]

9 chapters / 7456 words

Approximately 37 minutes to read

Description:

2017 » ONGOING


Jonathon Mavis never wanted anything to do with his old orphanage Lang Memorial. He had finally gotten away from that life with his best friend and while they had to rough it up on the streets, they managed to survive, and rather well too.

Only now, it seems as if the people at Lang Memorial are catching up to them. They seem to be there at every turn, and Jonathon soon finds himself being introduced to a whole new world...


Comments(9)

Capture

4 days ago Jazzy said:

Noooo! Where's the rest of the chapters?! I NEED MORE!!! This story was amazing, and I am anxious to find out what happens next. Consider this a free read, since I have moved my writings elsewhere since it was convenient at the time. Keep writing!!!

Sd3kj44

6 days ago Ritu said:

I do not like this book. I love this book. It really got me hooked to it. I loved your descriptions. It was so realistic. Well adventurous plots are often tough to construct and depict. I loved it the way you actually did it. Yeah the stealing part was awesome. Well one thing I feel is that you could have described the way Jonathan and EJ left the orphanage. Just thinking could have been fun to read.

'Mother Nature puked in the room' Hahahaha this was one of the funniest lines O I have ever read before.Why isn't chapter 5 available????? If you don't bring it faster I will find you and kill you!!! Jk. Just kidding.

Please bring up the other chapters of the book faster and let me know when there is more. Have a great day. Bye!!

H

8 days ago Chelsey said:

Yea sure ill be interested in a swap. https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Dy-7uv7GGhN1xwIm5dIp2mpckadoEbhThN3LizVdcMM/edit?usp=sharing you can use that link to open a book i started

Iamthegeneration_zpsi6vzrdyy

8 days ago A.L. Lombaard said:

I am so intrigued! I really enjoy this, honestly! So here are my thoughts on the rest of the chapters:

Chapter 2: "Panting like a dog in heat" - very unusual, but also very descriptive XD

It's also unusual for a guy to be referred to as brunette, since the word "brunette" in French is actually an adjective describing a female (Brun being the male equivalent).

Chapter 3: "The silence was deafening"- I love it so much!

"Looked like mother nature puked in the room" - even though I have a personal dislike of the word "puke", this is very funny and very descriptive.

"Talk about accessorizing" - this made me laugh.

Overall I love your writing style, it's almost tongue-in-the-cheek without becoming silly and reminds me a bit of Rick Riordan's, one of my favourite authors. The characters are really cool and I enjoy the dynamic between EJ and Jonathan. Though it needs polish, the story is amazing so far, perfect pacing and great descriptions!

AAAAAAAAAH!!!! Chapter 5 and on are unavailable *sobs uncontrollably*. Chapter 4 ended on such a cliffhanger! What's with the plants and the orbs?? Must know!

Great job and please please continue!

Reviews(9)

Rncy5598

4 days ago houli said:

Hiya! :) I'm here by request of swap and I am so glad you asked because I really enjoyed your writing!

First off - I got some serious Peter Pan/Annie/Robin Hood vibes from this (which is GREAT!) and I love that you're putting your own spin on this! I'm excited to see where you're taking this green orb/creepy plant thing and I'm sure you have something rad planned.

Secondly - your writing is pretty flawless man. Grammar is pretty dang perfect, sentence structure is beautiful, descriptive language is looking good... you're on the road to success, my friend.

The only things I noticed that could use some improvement is just to brighten it up a bit. Make it dramatic. In my opinion, every story, no matter if it's a romance, scifi, adventure, whatever genre you wish, should be highlighted with suspense. It helps to keep things interesting and really sticks your reader into the world. My favorite way of building up the drama is to focus on the emotions of your characters. This helps the reader to relate to your characters and it makes your plotline a whole lot more interesting. Another way is to think about the senses - what is your character feeling, hearing, seeing, smelling, or tasting during this scene? Is his heart pounding? Is he sweating or is his body like ice? Does he taste blood, or only regret? I encourage you to play with it!

Really though, this is a rad book in the making! I think it's turning out great so far. I would love it if you could give one of my works a little help for your part of the swap - either Ghost or One Pessimistic Photographer would be great! Both are about 15-20 minutes to read and feel free to just read a few chapters if you would like (I read until chapter 5 for yours). Hope this is helpful! Feel free to ask if you have questions! - houli :)

Blanket burrito

7 days ago Nove Payne said:

I'm here! Sorry this took me so long.

First off, I want to say I love your cover! It looks really professional and definitely draws me in. I'm getting sort of sci-fi/dystopian vibes from it.

Prologue:

I'd like a bit more of background here in general. Why is Jonathon at the orphanage in the first place? How long has he been there? Maybe he's been there since he was a baby, so he doesn't remember anything before. Maybe his parents disappeared one day and he was too young to know what happened. You don't have to make a big deal of it, maybe just a few phrases here and there. For example, where you talk about how Jonathon had noticed the children being taken "a while ago." Perhaps he noticed it "over the X years he'd been there," or something like that.

Also: what's the orphanage like? Is it crowded? Are the daily routines restrictive? Do they get any education or is it skimped on?

The person below me mentioned it and I'll second it: I'd like to see more of a thought process behind deciding to run away. It's probably the point that sets the rest of the story in motion, but it doesn't feel strong right now.

Chapter 1:

I feel like we jumped from seeing them at eight years old and leaving the orphanage to them at fourteen very, very quickly. I think it would help raise the stakes and make me feel more concerned for them if there was just a little more time spent on their leaving. They left with bags—what was in them? Was it hard to run away—did they have to sneak out a window, creep down a hallway past a caregiver on patrol? I know you wanted to skip a few years ahead and that's fine, I just feel like the actual leaving was too rushed.

Jeremy is an interesting character—I love those morally ambiguous ones.

"Anyone that seemed like a huge prick": how so? The cocky ones, the rich-looking ones?

Overall:

I think the prose itself could be a little tighter. For example: "He seemed to be about the only person who seemed really excited to be doing the same job for so many years" could be "He seemed like the only person still enthused about the same job after so many years." Some sentences feel a little clunky; I know it's less of a big thing than plot/flow and such, but it's something to keep in mind when you go back and start doing technical edits.

In terms of details, you have some really good ones—keep them! EJ's red curls, Jeremy's mousy face and frozen smile. Don't get rid of those, but like I said for the prologue, I'd just like to see some more backstory and scene setting earlier on. If I know that, say, Jonathon's been in the orphanage for as long as he can remember and he hates how they're woken up at 6AM every morning and made to do the cooking and cleaning, I'll care more about why he decided to leave.

You did a great job of hooking me—when I finish writing this review I'm definitely going to keep reading and leave some comments. So far, I'm intrigued, and I'm liking the characters of Jeremy, EJ, and Jonathon. Keep writing, and I hope this was helpful!

- Nove