The Gaea Emblem [#1]

The Gaea Emblem [#1]

9 chapters / 7456 words

Approximately 37 minutes to read


2017 » ONGOING

Jonathon Mavis never wanted anything to do with his old orphanage Lang Memorial. He had finally gotten away from that life with his best friend and while they had to rough it up on the streets, they managed to survive, and rather well too.

Only now, it seems as if the people at Lang Memorial are catching up to them. They seem to be there at every turn, and Jonathon soon finds himself being introduced to a whole new world...


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8 months ago Noceurx said:

Whew, I must say, I was not expecting to be dragged in like that. I came into this expecting only to read the prologue and maybe the next chapter, but before I knew it, I was done reading everything you had available. The characterization of both EJ and Jon were amazing--each one distinct and prominent throughout the chapters. (I love EJ's character. So fire-y!) The plot seems to be moving along at an appropriate pace and the imagery suits this genre wonderfully!

The read was a pretty smooth one and I don't see too many flaws. Towards the beginning, I felt like your chapter endings were a bit cliche, but that quickly improved. Then, there is some inconsistency. At times, the action and imagery are spot on! Other times, I feel like you get a little blunt with your explanations and it stops the flow ever so briefly. That's about it though!

This is a very VERY mysterious storyline you have so far and you do an excellent job at keeping your readers in suspense! I think you'll be able to take it far~! Best wishes and happy writing!


8 months ago Robin Nova said:

Wow! This has been great so far. I read everything you have available I was hooked. The dynamic between Jonathan and EJ is wonderful, I love the characterization between them. Jonathan and his interaction with plants is intriguing, I can't wait to see where you take it. Well done! -Robin


8 months ago Jazzy said:

Noooo! Where's the rest of the chapters?! I NEED MORE!!! This story was amazing, and I am anxious to find out what happens next. Consider this a free read, since I have moved my writings elsewhere since it was convenient at the time. Keep writing!!!


8 months ago Ritu said:

I do not like this book. I love this book. It really got me hooked to it. I loved your descriptions. It was so realistic. Well adventurous plots are often tough to construct and depict. I loved it the way you actually did it. Yeah the stealing part was awesome. Well one thing I feel is that you could have described the way Jonathan and EJ left the orphanage. Just thinking could have been fun to read.

'Mother Nature puked in the room' Hahahaha this was one of the funniest lines O I have ever read before.Why isn't chapter 5 available????? If you don't bring it faster I will find you and kill you!!! Jk. Just kidding.

Please bring up the other chapters of the book faster and let me know when there is more. Have a great day. Bye!!


Sam full (1)

7 months ago Sysanet said:

[P R O L O G U E]

Second sentence is worded awkwardly and takes away from the atmosphere being set. An example of how to change it would be: ‘At the sound of his name, the boy’s eyes shot open.’ Or ‘At the sound of his name, the eyes of the boy shot open.’

Also, the dialogue tag says she whispered his name, but then this sentence says it was called out. This is a bit inconsistent as calling out something implies it’s said loudly. And it doesn’t need to be pointed out in the narrative she calls again if you’re just going to add the dialogue doing so immediately after.

There seems to be a pattern of long sentences forming. Even if it’s not a run-on sentence, if a sentence carries too many subjects it can become awkward for the mind to follow. In order to write a scene with a well flowing mental image, sentences should have clear direction.

As opposed to naming every instance, I’ll just take the paragraph with, “Jonathon, wake up.” as an example. {This is just an example rewrite to help illustrate my point.}

“Jonathon, wake up.” The voice was more urgent this time. Jonathon turned over in his bed. Amid the darkness, bright cat-like green eyes met him. They didn’t belong to a cat, but rather an eight-year-old Elaine Janoski. Or ‘EJ’ as she called herself.

I would also like to explain that I down-played the cat-like description because unless she is easily confused for a cat, one should just be able to tell she’s a girl, even if her eyes are cat-like.

Once the dialogue in the story picked up, the narrative phrasing seemed to relax a bit, which is good.

Overall, it was kind of cute. Needs a lot of work shopping to get the mental image flowing smoothly. Which can help to keep readers drawn in with the prologue. However, the characters were nicely written and the dialogue feels solid enough that many would still continue to read for the characters alone.

Personally -- While I was intrigued by what was happening to the children being taken, I wasn’t drawn into the prologue. I personally found it to be lackluster and while the kids were cute, I had no real reason to truly sympathize with them and want them to succeed. While it does seem shady for kids to be adopted at night, it could also have some logical reasons we’re just not given.

All in all, an okay start to a story. If you want me to continue reviewing, just let me know. Otherwise I wish you luck with the rest of your story.


8 months ago Erin Rae said:

Hi! Sorry it took so long to get to the swap you asked for... It's been crazy busy for me, and I've had a terrible case of writers block lol.

Within just the few chapters you've written, I already see the personalities of your characters coming out. You've done a great job on Jon. He hesitates at times and is scared, but you can tell the protectiveness he has for EJ, which he should have after spending years with her. I would suggest giving a little more meat in the early chapters. Explain a little of their lives in the first days/years of living in the streets. As others said, I would also give them more emotions. Let us inside of Jon and EJ's mind, what are they thinking-their thinking process. Make me feel what they're feeling.

Good job, I loved the originality of the plot and your word choice. Keep writing! :)