Comments(10)

Ball

18 days ago Lauren Fricke said:

This feels like a song to me; did you write it like that?

Either way, I enjoyed this. The emotion was apparent, and I liked the flow. It was simplistic, yet not simple.

Bravo!

Izzys profile pic

22 days ago Fire Ash said:

That was very good, i could feel the rhythm. Very enjoyable.

Yandere

22 days ago Bean said:

I loved it! It was so amazing! Can you read my story 'The Season Sisters'? It would mean a lot!

Me 247

23 days ago Foxy the fox said:

This is great. I don't understand how someone could complain about the cursing in it. It was not only minimal, but also well-placed. Overall just a wonderful story is told through rhyme. Love it!

Reviews(1)

Brown haired blue eyed

21 days ago LeChevalierRoland said:

First off, I liked your rhyming right off the bat. While I have an issue with the excessive punctuation, I enjoyed the beat the rhyming gave. It becomes much more subtle in chapter two. At first, I was wondering why lines 1 and 2 of chapter three didn’t end in rhymes. The farther I got, the more I realized the first and second line not rhyming is a pattern. The repetition in chapter 4 was good. I love that the first part was a song. The phrase: “collect hearts of cries” didn’t make much sense to me. Specifically the “cries” part. Adored the line “I didn’t believe. Chick didn’t fit the stereo.” Second part really picked up the beat. Damn, dude. That end. Overall, I think this is a really good piece. The language is not always the best. I would suggest going over it and changing some of the language to make it cleaner in a grammatical sense, not a subject sense. I am very glad you made the second part. I feel that without it, the story would be incomplete. I am a huge fan of stories told in poetry. Have you heard of Ellen Hopkins? I like that this gives the reader a full picture of what is going on. Good job! :)