1 chapter / 145 words

Approximately less than a minute to read



This is a poem I wrote for one of my most favorite players. He's retiring from a version of the game and my feelings about this are clearly mentioned in the piece. I don't know if you call sports-addiction a type of insanity. This game means a lot to me.



My oc profile for twitch

21 days ago Elf Queen said:

It is a very emotional piece of writing and you manage to portray the entire concept very well. I hope you keep writing. And if you want to do a swap that would be cool. You don't have to though.


27 days ago sussanbetcher said:

I love reading sports category books, such as the biography of our famous sports stars. There would be many such incidents in every sportsmen life which were not shared with the directv select package public. Their biography helps us know about their life.


about 1 month ago Rose K said:

This is so relatable for me... I just left my friends and school and life to move to a completely different place. 7 hour plane ride away. I miss them so bad.

Chaotic neutral

about 1 month ago Lucy Holiday said:

I think you did a good job getting the emotion across. I like the repetition. Even without knowing who, I felt the sadness you expressed about them leaving. Good work.



22 days ago Tanuma Kuroyike said:

I should write the review while reading, as you've done for me :) btw I really like your review, thanks a lot !

I like the very first paragraph, especially the verse 'my heart starts to bleed.' The syllables for the first paragraph is consistent with 5-5-5.

Moving on to second paragraph, the momentum and rhythm built in the previous paragraph is kinda lost, because of the change in consistency with the syllables. I do not know whether it is intentional or not, but it does bring a chaotic element to your poem.

The word 'triggered', the way you use it is correct. It's just that the memes associated with that word kind ruins it for me haha.

'I can't but accept' sounds a bit awkward. I think the other review mentioned the same point.'I'm compelled to accept' or 'nothing I can do but to accept..' may sound better.

Overall, it is an interesting read. I understand the general emotions you are trying to convey through this poem. However, I believe improvements can still be made.


about 1 month ago Dusty Parrish said:

So after reading this I have to say I love the hook of the first line, it really sets the tone for the rest of the poem.

I like the repetition of the title throughout the piece and how it keeps bringing you back to that idea.

I wonder with "A storm is brewing inside" if you could put: "A storm brews inside" so that it matches the structure of the opening line a bit more. This way it brings the piece around a little more full circle and so it's not just the repetition of the phrase "for the final time".

Maybe "Invisible to the eye" or something like that rather than "No one can see it" I feel like 'it' is an unnecessary article in this case.

"Something stabs my heart" rather than "Something is stabbing my heart" again tying the structure from the first line to reinforce the repetition a bit more.

Maybe just "Teardrops are nothing." Rather than "The teardrops are nothing." I think 'the' might be an unnecessary article in this case as well.

"Still it's something more than (a) burning sensation" I think you forgot the word 'a'.

"I can't but accept" and "I can't but say farewell" seem a bit awkwardly worded to me, but I get what you're saying.

Other than those few things (to help make the poem read a bit smoother) I think you did a really lovely job.

I'm not a huge sports fan, but I can feel your emotions clearly through the piece and I can tell how heartbroken you were about his leaving the field.

You deal with the concept of loss in such a way that it is relatable even without being a sports fan. I think for this very reason it proves how well of a writer you are. :3

Keep writing!