The Heartbreak Hotel

The Heartbreak Hotel

5 chapters / 7112 words

Approximately 36 minutes to read

Description:

Kevin Cassidy was headed west, away from New York, for a fresh start. California was the destination, and he's nearly there. However, something about the small Nevadan hotel he's staying in is keeping him there. Will the people he meets, along with the time spent alone reshape his view on life?
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Excellent cover by Daniel Jimenez

Comments(33)

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5 days ago Struggle_of_a_writer said:

I liked how you took the challenge of writing about drugs and alcohol. Not many characters show that lifestyle so I give props to you! I like how Sabrina is slowly bringing Kevin out of his shell. Haven't read a book that deals with the setting of a hotel so it was really interesting to be immersed in it. Everyone has a story and it will be exciting and yet sad to learn their pasts, including Kevin's. Thank you for writing this.

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about 1 month ago Rose K said:

--JUST BTW, BEFORE YOU START READING, THESE ARE ALL SIMPLY SUGGESTIONS THAT I THINK WOULD IMPROVE IT, BUT YOU, OR OTHER PEOPLE, MIGHT NOT THINK THAT, AND THAT'S PERFECTLY FINE, THEY ARE JUST SUGGESTIONS.--

-In paragraph 3 of chapter 1 consider writing 'the hotel' instead of 'this hotel'. -Consider moving the dialog, "It's Kevin (...)" Up one or two paragraphs, I find myself waiting a little too long for his reply, and that means we can't focus on the beautiful descriptions. ;) -The back story is so good, such a good time to be setting the story, amazing descriptions. The plot is excellent, I'm already hooked. The hotel seems like just a stop on the journey, but the title suggests otherwise. (b/c the title of the WHOLE BOOK is 'Heartbreak Hotel'). This makes me want to know what happens at the hotel, what keeps him there, why is it not just a stop in the journey? -There weren't many things that needed to be worked on, I can tell it's a later draft. I think if you fix those two small problems everything should be perfect. :) -I love ur descriptions!! ;o P.S., I'm sorry my review isn't longer, usually I try to write long things and include everything, but there weren't many things that needed to be fixed, lol. Sorry. :/ ~Rose K :)

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about 1 month ago Ian Reeve said:

Really impressed with this story. I've only read the first two chapters yet but I'm really looking forward to finishing it. Keep it up!

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about 1 month ago Christine Hungerford said:

I read the first two chapters. I really enjoyed the fact that you kept the story going. Although I can't agree that I liked the story much (because it wasn't my type of story), I think you're a great storyteller and you can keep the audience wanting more.

Reviews(64)

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about 15 hours ago TheHalf-Light said:

Chapter One:

The first thing that struck me was how I was unsure of your usage of tawdry. (Perhaps this isn’t the first thing you want readers to pick up on, but I couldn’t quite decide if it was used appropriately. Below is a definition, decide for yourself.) Tawdry: (of finery, trappings, etc.) gaudy; showy and cheap. Low or mean; base I like the description of “wrinkles just beginning to form,” it’s a really great way to describe the unavoidable but overused idea of wrinkles denoting age. Usually when people tell me to do more showing, less telling, I roll my eyes cuz that sounds like such crap advice, but I think it applies here. You’re making a lot of statements of surroundings, or over-explanations. Examples: “This surprised me, because almost no businesses ran on the barter system anymore.” Cut down to: “This surprised me.” Also consider the long catalogue of the room contents. Try something more like, “I was struck by how plain the room was. The Heartbreak Hotel only provided the bare minimum, which of course included a Bible.” Much like how you described the bathroom, keep it short. Reading the description of a plain room should either be made thrilling, or quick. Also, cutting into the flow of the story (and dissipating some of the intrigue), you give away a lot of answers to questions we’re just starting to form. I don’t see a problem with making your reader wonder for a chapter or two. In the moment that our MC is buying a room in the hotel, it’s extremely unimportant that the little money he has comes from working at a “local pizzeria.” I understand the desire to explain everything at first, but it makes us lose focus on the scene that’s supposed to be occurring. In this distraction, we start hearing about the inside of the hotel, and then (before Kevin gives his name) it says they enter the hotel and go to the front desk. If he’s thinking about the walls, carpeting, inner diner and flickering lights, how can he not yet be inside? When Kevin narrates that there was some unknown force making sure he couldn’t separate himself from his East Coast life, I was intrigued, but more confused. So far we haven’t seen any evidence of him being tied down to anywhere/one/thing, let alone New York. If his thoughts kept circling back to a person, place, or event, I’d get that vibe, or if someone kept texting/calling/emailing, etc, but we don’t have anything that makes this statement feel possible. Sure, maybe part of the plot is that something is holding him back, but saying it’s something unknown without any symptoms makes it feel like a hollow statement. I really don’t believe it. Here he is out in the desert! He seems to be doing just fine getting away. I also didn’t really buy the conversation between Kevin and Sabrina. Most places that don’t card don’t ask, and anyone trying to get away with being underage would avoid admitting they’re under. I get that you want this place to sound like it just doesn’t care but this sounds like something written by someone without a lot of experience drinking at a bar. (Also, just sitting at a bar RARELY leads to someone asking your age. Lots of people, especially at diners, sit at the bar and don’t order alcohol.) I know this is nit-picky, but it’s all about making a more believable story. (Also, when a person orders a burger, waiters ask how they want it done.) The whole paragraph after Sabrina correcting Kevin on her name makes me a little cringe-y. Him thinking about how he’s “fiercely loyal” is a little much for someone who’s just trying to get a drink and a meal. The following bits I don’t really jive well with either. I don’t know anyhow who would say they were “tired of burdening friends with drunken calls.” That’s one of the funny parts of going out and drinking and as long as you’re not like 40 and doing this to your friends with kids, it’s rarely burdening anyone. Maybe if Kevin was an alcoholic or addict, the term burden could fit, but otherwise, I’m not buying it. “…I’ll be off to sleep after it anyway[.]” I sigh[ed.] “[M]an, …” Don’t use commas here. I don’t know many guys who would say they would “nibble on” a burger, but if that’s what you want there, then okay… Lol, “you caught me in a talkative mood.” I would not have described her earlier lines as “talkative.” A picky moment, it would flow better to say, “Instead of ordering a third, I handed my glass back…” Two things here, first using “drink” again would be getting repetitive, and you drink alcohol from a glass, not a cup. All in all, this isn’t too thrilling of an opener, but we get a general sense of what’s happening here. Since the story is called “Heartbreak Hotel,” it’s safe to say the story is about what happens to Kevin here. There’s no immediate danger, mystery or romance in action by the end of the chapter, so what Kevin will face while at the hotel is a toss-up. Will it be like a remix of Hotel California or will it be more like Suite Life of Zach and Cody? Who knows? I’m willing to continue on to see if we hit some plot points soon, but the chapter doesn’t leave me dying to continue reading. (But the swap shall go on!)

I hope this has been helpful. -K

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about 17 hours ago L U N A said:

I only got to read the first chapter of the story, but so far I like it. I don't want to be redundant and tell you a bunch of things that you need to work on that you've probably already received on other reviews so my only real suggestion is to check on some of your grammar and punctuation, etc. Basic stuff. But otherwise, I found almost nothing about it. Overall, keep up the good work and I'll like to see where you go with this :)