The Heartbreak Hotel

The Heartbreak Hotel

2 chapters / 2468 words

Approximately 12 minutes to read


Kevin Cassidy was headed west, away from New York, for a fresh start. California was the destination, and he's nearly there. However, something about the small Nevadan hotel he's staying in is keeping him there. Will the people he meets, along with the time spent alone reshape his view on life?



1 day ago Scribere said:

I like the character of Kevin (if that is his name). He is kind of rude but still likable. From the first chapter the plot of the story is still vague but that's okay since this chapter focussed more on character description. Overall it was a tidy opening Chapter. Full credits.


1 day ago Chris Pena said:

Nice quaint little first chapter you have there. The introductions of the different characters really gave a western/mid continental USA feel.

Overall I liked the way you set up the location with the dialogue, scene details, and the loneliness.

My favorite character was the old stoner that gave the main Character a ride because of your description of him.

Photo on 7-5-16 at 9.45 pm

3 days ago Jaxon Storm said:

I really like the whole "feel"of your writing. It has a really strong style to it that I really enjoyed. You do a great job hinting at the backstory to peak my interest without giving away too much. I also thought your dialogue was really well written and realistic. The only notable content change I'd make would be the last two sentences, which seemed a little rushed. I think you could either lengthen them to add more description or shorten them to be even more brief. Overall, I think it's a really great start and I'm intrigued to see how this story continues.

Also, thanks for the review, it was really appreciated.


4 days ago An9e1 said:

I did a double take at the name Allie Turner XD Just a bit close to mine. I was in a roleplay about this, so it was really fun to read! I actually was the waitress (idk if you were in the roleplay sorry) and it was great :D This writing really does it justice.



1 day ago Emma Funk said:

Pros: You have a good cohesive voice throughout the chapter. Good job setting up future reveals and drawing the reader in by sprinkling unanswered questions throughout. The very Beginning is awesome. With more detail it could really set the mood of the novel as a whole. Most physical character descriptions were very good, clear picture of characters formed in my mind.

Cons: More description. Everywhere in this chapter I want more. What does the hotel look like on the outside? On the inside? I should be able to picture the space completely. This is a small thing but the first few sentences make it sound like he was looking for Heartbreak Hotel. The woman's southern drawl makes the whole novel feel a little honkey tonk to me. I just think that's a little overplayed. Stylistic desicion though. Your most memorable character so far is pot smoking old hippie who never actually appeared, so maybe flesh out the character that matter more... description helps with this. Describe mannerisms and little extras about clothes or appearances. Show more, tell less.

This is just a random suggestion but instead of showing his restraint in not getting trashed maybe you should have him get trashed to show how rock bottom he is and also so the character has room to grow and hasn't already overcame his conflict it seems... unless it's important to the plot that he's already recovering.


Overall I'm excited to see where the plot goes. We have our drugged up protagonist struggling with his past, and I'm excited to see how his experiences change him. More detail and immersion will really make this piece stand out. Thanks for sharing.


2 days ago Alexandra Sky said:

First off take this as you will, you can use all of my suggestings, none of them, or some of them; it's up to you. Also sorry if I come off harsh. You do way too much telling. There is no showing. Right now the world is very flat like a child’s coloring book.

You say she looked sixty, but she looked good for her age… it would be better if she said something that made the character wonder if she was older than she looked. Like “I’ve run this place for ‘bout forty-five year on now. Hard to believe that she looks this good.” You could talk about how the honey sweet southern accent dance off her lips like the wind. Leaving you to wonder if she was playing you with the way she didn’t seem to hide the words.

She talked about how there wasn’t a handy man to fix the hotel up. So, is the wallpaper or paint peeling from the corners? Is there a bit of mildew smell coming from the bathroom? Do the sheets look threadbare? Are the lights flickering?

Twenty and twenty-five-year-olds look pretty different. The difference between kid and adult. Especially in a small town verse a city kid.


This isn’t a half bad you have good bones for the story. But personally, I would like more descriptors and more showing off what is going on. I’m interested to see how you weave the clear underage drinking with the father’s death and where the weed comes in. There is a disconnected that could be caused by grief. I’m also interested to see where this kid falls economically and if his mom funded this trip.