The Heartbreak Hotel

The Heartbreak Hotel

3 chapters / 4265 words

Approximately 21 minutes to read

Description:

Kevin Cassidy was headed west, away from New York, for a fresh start. California was the destination, and he's nearly there. However, something about the small Nevadan hotel he's staying in is keeping him there. Will the people he meets, along with the time spent alone reshape his view on life?
===================================================================
Excellent cover by Daniel Jimenez

Comments(25)

M&mkitty

6 days ago Mina Autumn said:

Something weird is going on with your book. Whenever I click on continue reading. A page the same as this one just pops up instead of the book. It won't let me view your book for some reason. I know this isn't really your fault, but I thought I'd let you know in case other people are having this problem. It's just your book that's done that to me.

Nasa space2

28 days ago Summer Cummings said:

This story, was very interesting, I enjoy all the descriptions, but I hope there will be more action scenes in the future. For the swap, I'd like you to read at the first chapter of marked.

Senior pics 3

29 days ago Elizabeth McCready said:

Chapter 1: This is a very intriguing start that leaves a lot of questions. One small thing I noticed was that the detail was vague, whether you meant to do that or not, a reader like me finds it hard to focus when I can't literally picture everything in detail.

Img_1528

about 1 month ago Sadogue Enigma said:

Also, on a totally unrelated note, one of my characters happens to be named Daniel Jimenez. Sorry if that was random :D But when I saw the name in your description, I almost passed out! Anyway... Great read. Can't wait for an update!

Reviews(35)

Screen shot 2017-07-14 at 1.30.15 pm

about 22 hours ago Lauren Harrell said:

Chapter 1: I am personally not a fan of the word, “cheesy.” Maybe consider revising to “dilapidated,” or “run-down” etc.

Who is the “he” the narrator is referring to in the second paragraph? I see that you refer to the driver as a man in his sixties, but maybe clarify that first. So consider revising to, “I was a stranger, picked up by a older man who had a ponytail that ran down his back and kind eyes…” (Just a suggestion.) I would also suggest taking out the word “hippie,” I like that you are trying to offer descriptions for the driver, but I am personally not a fan.

Ok, so I’m from Texas, and nobody around here talks like that lol. You may want to clarify, “old south” or “Georgia accent” etc. Maybe the time period of your story needs to be clarified? So I see that your main character is heading to California. Where would he possibly be in order for the woman to have such a thick country accent?

Personally, I would like to read more emotion or backstory about your main character. Like, was he running from something? Trying to escape his past? Looking for a fresh start...etc? I would also like more about what he is feeling/thinking while approaching the hotel and observing the place. I would like a subtle chill like Bates Motel, where I don’t know who to trust and the owners are kind of sketchy...just a thought, and this may turn out to be completely different story.

Where can you say for thirty bucks? It must be SERIOUSLY dilapidated. Most cheap hotels start at about $60…

This chapter was really intriguing, and I’m curious to see where this goes. You’ve already captured my attention, and there are a lot of questions that need to be answered. I will say things are a little difficult to picture, but I am interested to see what is going to happen next. So far so good!!

Me

3 days ago Erin said:

Hi! I am here to do my part of the swap. I hope you find my feedback helpful to you!

As I read the first chapter, I had a hard time imagining the story in my head. I have no idea what your main character looks like, and although you give descriptions on your other characters and the setting, I would suggest using more visual words. You also seem to really gloss over a lot of stuff in the first chapter. I think you could really dive deeper in. Show his thought process, his emotions. Instead of saying "I was surprised," show how he showed that emotion, maybe with just the raise of an eyebrow, or a quick inhale.

I enjoyed the second chapter, the dialog was good and flowed smoothly. I would like to see more insight on why Kevin decided to stay, though. From what I've seen, he is desperate to get to California and doesn't like opening up, so why would he agree to Sabrina's request?

All in all, I think you have a very promising start to your story. The idea is unique and I would really like to know more of Kevins story and why he decided to move. Good job!