Shadow Games

Shadow Games

1 chapter / 1345 words

Approximately 7 minutes to read

Description:

For their survival, not for fun yet.

Comments(1)

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4 days ago ScarletKnight said:

I think this is actually going to be a good story.

Reviews(1)

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5 days ago Ellie Williams said:

Here are my thoughts on your piece. The first several were pulled out as I read, leaving my overall impression for the end.

"...with the moonlight filtering an entrance high above the only thing illuminated his swirling dark tattoos..." Sometimes, you miss words in your sentences. In this case, you're missing "through," as in, "...filtering THROUGH an..." Be sure to do a read-through once your story isn't as fresh in your mind so your brain doesn't automatically fill in the holes for you. Reading out loud will also aid you in catching these mistakes. A side note, since I already have this sentence pulled out: "illuminated" should be "illuminating."

"...the empty wasn't helping him concentrate on the level that he used to." I know the judges have gotten on you about complex plot ideas and not conveying them fully. I don't think it's necessarily that you don't fully convey your ideas but moreso that you get lost in them yourself. At least, not always. You get so consumed by these images that you forget to remind us of what is really going on. This is one of those moments. The first time I read this line, I thought you were missing a word and pulled it out. After staring at it for five minutes, I remembered that "empty" refers to his lack of energy, lack of power. Refer back to that so we can be reminded of his purpose, of the reason he's facing a basilisk. It's easy for us to forget when it's not constantly in our face.

"A yellow glimmer flickered at the bottom of the chasm... That was from the basilisk's eyes..." Now, all I know about basilisks I learned from the second Harry Potter novel. Just a glance into the eyes of a basilisk is enough to lead to devastating results, right? Even catching a reflection of the beast's stare is enough to do some damage. So, wouldn't catching a flash of yellow from the basilisk's gaze do some harm? If not, what theories do you have about basilisks? Use this moment to bring these legends to life. Don't rely on our previous knowledge of the mythical beast as this is where confusion starts. Through your story, convey what you know so we can be on the same page as you.

"The yellow light was getting closer..." Wait. Are the basilisk's eyes actually illuminated? Like, producing light? That I didn't picture at all. If this is the case, the previous sentence that I pulled out makes more sense. I would suggest making it more clear. My previous note about explaining what a basilisk actually is (in your mind), however, still stands.

"Tera's aclove was larger than his, so it landed a fair distance away from her... the beast would be focused on Tera's side..." This kind of contradicts itself. You say the basilisk is not looking on Tera's side and yet is. Be sure your details are matching up because, right now, they really aren't. How I imagine it that Wend and Tera are directly across from each other on either side of this open circular pit. When you said Tera threw the rock in a direction away from Tera, I imagined him throwing it into the corner between their two acloves. When you say "Tera's side," I'm thinnking the giant snake is looking near Tera again but am also wondering if this is actually a canyon-like hole in the ground as opposed to a circular pit.

I'm explaining what I'm seeing because I feel like you need to add more descriptions. I don't think I'm on the same page as you, and that's a problem. Don't be afraid to give us too much detail; chances are that you are not. And if you are, it's easier to pull you back than to yank more out of you. So, don't be afraid to go there, yeah?

"He uncurled and pounced just as the head started to turn toward the noise he was making, the yellow light growing brighter, an Wend closed his eyes as his hands hit the cool, dusty scales." This is a run-on. In addition to missing words, you also have a few of these. I appreciate diversity in your sentence structure, but make sure you're not breaking any major grammar rules in the process.

"There was a scream as the basilisk writhed underneath him, it's (should be its) very form rippling as the magic half of it began ripping through it to get to Wend." You use "it" a lot in this sentence. Vary it, refer to the basilisk in different ways. Keep it interesting.

"The ambient magic began swirling around and into him throughout the entire tomb." So, Wend's essence is now spread throughout the entire tomb? That's what this sentence implies. You need to flip these details in order for it to make sense: "The ambient magic began swirling around the tomb and into him." Maybe make it more interesting with changing the wording a bit and adding more details. Does he absorb it through is skin? Breathe it in? Have a tool that captures the magic and allows it to infiltrate into his being? How does it work?

"Then Tera landed on his bare chest, her claws quickly sinking into him." Wouldn't this potentially crush him? She's a dragon, so I imagine she's much larger in size than Wend. She's not a small house cat, which is what I visualize when she lands on his chest. But the size thing is what gets me. I don't see how this is plausible. EDIT: Ah, I read the last paragraphs. So, she's a "little" dragon, is she? This goes back to you needing to add more details. We are definitely not on the same page here.

Your approach to this prompt is great. I love the silent communication between Wend and his dragon companion. It fits the criteria of the prompt and makes it interesting. It's clear the two have a strong connection.

What bothers me the most about this piece, though, as that I feel like it's a snippet of a larger piece. I don't understand their connection, their relationship. I need more information in order to be satisfied with what you're giving me. You need to add some background details. When he's staring at her across this chasm, have an inner dialogue going about how much this dragon means to him, how they met, and what he would do if something were to happen to her. After all, his desperate hunger for magic put them both in this situation. Doesn't that make him feel some regret or shame? Bring that into the story and allow that to create the bridge from the past to the present and future.

More details and descriptions I mentioned.

But those are the biggest issues I have with this piece. Need more background information, need more descriptions and scenery details, and I want to know more about Wend and Tera's relationship. I like the idea of your story, though. I'm intrigued by Wend's need for magic and how it is used as an energy source. It makes me think of vampires, only with wizards and witches instead of nocturnal blood suckers. It's creative and fun. It just needs to be developed a bit more in order for it to be fantastic.

Please let me know if you would like me to clarify any of my remarks or want me to take another glance. I'll have some down time all weekend if you need me.

Good luck!

--Ellie