5 chapters / 5193 words

Approximately 26 minutes to read


A high school girl finds her boyfriend is cheating on her . . . with her best friend. But when she walks out of Black Nectar, the club she saw them make out in, she trips into a very unsuspected romance.


Writing, Romance


Screen shot 2016-04-21 at 5.45.57 pm

about 5 years ago Avery Morin said:

I read the beginning, figuring I would just stop if it got boring (happens 95% of the time when I read stuff, I have a short attention span) but I ended up reading all 5 chapters because it was so good. Please write more!!!


about 5 years ago Not Applicable said:

The beginning was a bit eh for me, but it picked up after that. Your writing is good however, like another commenter said, I almost thought the character was talking to a friend. Good job though, it's good as a whole! :)


over 5 years ago amara said:

I just finished chapter two, and it's great. I like how she cleverly gets everyone's attention and breaks up with Zev. Kirra pisses me off (which is probably the point.) I mean she is her "best friend." At the very least she should pretend to be sorry and ashamed! Sorry. I'm ranting. I just read a book about a girl taking back the guy who used her in high school and cheated on her etc. It drove me crazy. Anyway, I love MPC. Can't wait to get to know him. In the first couple paragraphs there's some switching back and forth between present and past tense, which confused me. I don't have time to read more now, but I will come back.


over 5 years ago amara said:

I like it, though her voice is a little crazy. It feels like she's telling this story to a friend with all the slang and the "So's." It's turning me off a little bit. I agree with Deserae that "Yah" should be changed to "Yeah." I like the whole MPC acronym, but I think that he would probably ask her what MPC means when she says "You must be someone else's MPC." I can't wait to read more! I want to get to know the MPC and what she does about her boyfriend and her best friend.



over 5 years ago Deserae McGlothen said:

Review Summary: -It’s a bit telly. Okay, quite telly. -The main character’s got a voice! Can’t wait to see her gain personality. -I like where it’s going but it definitely needs attention.

GRADE: C+ almost a B-. (Good, healthy start, but has room for improvement.)

MPC stands for Mr. Prince Charming, and so the story goes that Shay, our heroine, meets a boy who could be hers as she stumbles out of a club, puking up her freaking guts. It’s a great set up for a story with tons of potential, but like all first drafts, it needs work. That’s a given.

The bones are there. We’ve got a narrator with an actual voice. We’ve got a set up that permits for all kinds of romantic mischief. We’ve got relationships being built up and broken. We’ve got a good enough look at the family life to see maybe why Shay is the way she is…

What we don’t have is (dare I say it?) enough going on. I mean, enough happening presently. In other words, it’s all set up. We haven’t heard from her MPC (a creepy feeling someone’s watching you in the park doesn’t count). We don’t really have too much drama otherwise because Shay’s so confident, so self-assured that even with the boyfriend-best-friend situation, no real consequences have come of it. So far, all we have is a girl. A pretty cool girl. She draws, and she has a brother, and despite everything she lives her life… but we don’t really have much more than that. SHE doesn’t have much more than that, and yeah, that bothers me.

I want to like Shay with all my heart, but it’s kind of hard to connect to her. NOT BECAUSE SHE’S NOT LIKABLE! Just because she doesn’t have much of a personality. But perhaps her lack of a personality IS her personality. Or perhaps the lack of personality will give the author room to help her develop one as her story unfolds. She has rules that keep her cool, calm, and collected. It might just be me, but right now this “cool Shay” seems to be attributing to the story’s lack of tension.

That’s not the only thing. I know this story isn’t finished yet so I’m sure once the love interest is reintroduced, things will pick up again. I’m just thinking, if HE’S the story, why haven’t we seen him again? I can be patient. Really! I can! It’s just at the moment, the narrative isn’t doing much for me. It’s TELLING me a bunch of things are happening, rather than showing me. The parenthetical statements? Yeah, most if not all of those have got to go. The narration gets repetitive at times, too. In the first chapter alone, I had to reimagine her puking SEVERAL times because we kept bouncing forward and backwards, backwards and forwards. There was a point where Shay tells me “So picture this…” and in my head I’m thinking, “aren’t I already doing that?” There’re points where we’re doing things just to do them. I’m not getting closer to the character or plot or the boy so why?

I guess I’ll have to wait until we go through editing. And you can’t decide what gets edited out until you… well, finish. So while the author goes through this first draft, I encourage them to watch the amount of “I mean”-s they string to form Shay’s thoughts, to change “Yah” (pronounced yaw) to “Yeah” (pronounced yeh-ah aka what I think the author means by “yah”)… I encourage the author to watch their wording (Sometimes it’s off. See this example: “I literally trip outside the back door of this totally rockin’ club, but I’m not really feelin’ it.” It as in the trip? It as in the club? Or this one: “…when you’re drunk to the amount of puking up your guts.” Amount of should be point of. Faulty wording not only throws the reader off, but makes your story something we’re interpreting. And we could be doing that wrong, so help us out.) The last thing I want to see the author do is get to the story and allow Shay’s character to grow. There’s no such thing as a perfect character. I love that Shay is an artist, so let her express herself every once in a while! Who are we going to tell?

Overall, this was a good piece. It still needs work, but you know what? It hasn’t even kicked off yet. We’re at Chapter Five and we’re still nowhere. I have faith that once this story kicks off, it’ll be an enjoyable read that you probably won’t get enough of. Until then, Readers, take time to get to know Shay. She’s pretty cool. And when you’re finished, Author, let me know. I really do think it’ll be a fun read once it’s finished.

Keep at it, Deserae P.S. The MPC and acronym hang up might have to be cut back on, Author. Sometimes the way Shay introduces, brings up, or explains this stuff is a bit overkill. Use discretion.

Girl_road_rain _tan

over 6 years ago Meredith Hilton said:

I really liked this, especially the fun, sarcastic voice of your narrator. I generally like things written in the first person, but only if they're done well. Good job.

Your opening works well. I love the fluidity of the transation between the opening and the actual situation.

There's some repetition. Look out for paragraph three.

Also, the dialogue between MPC (I love that nickname, btw) and the girl (do we ever know her name?) is hard to follow, and I don't think it's just because she's drunk.

I love your characters. They're all so funny, especially MPC.

If you were thinking about continuing this, do so. If not, it's kindof a contained short story the way it is, the only thing I would add is some background info on the boyfriend and best friend. Overall, you have very little editing to do here. Just try reading it through outloud. Especially in a first person narrative, that's a sure way to catch awkward bits.