What If You're My World?

What If You're My World?

25 chapters / 13167 words

Approximately about 1 hour to read

Description:

What is life? Is it just breathing? Eating? Sleeping? Fighting each day to survive? I don't know. My name's Raina, and I've never truly lived life. I've lived my whole life inside a small room. Daddy is my only connection with the outside world. He says it's a scary place. Dangerous, green men that can rip me apart with no effort. Diseases, famines, natural disasters, wars. That's the reason I stay in this little room. Because it's safe. And the outside world is dangerous.

Genres:

Writing, Romance

Comments(21)

Images (3)

about 1 month ago Hells Night said:

KEEP WRITING NOW!!! YOU CAN'T LEAVE IT LIKE THIS!!! *Cry's to myself* please. I need to know what happens. PLEASE!!!!

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about 1 month ago Rose K said:

NOOOOO!!!! YOU CANNOT LEAVE IT LIKE THAT!!!!!!!!!!! NOOOOOO... WRITE MORE!!! Now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Pp

about 1 month ago Kylie Elaine said:

I love the new cover!!

Images (3)

about 1 month ago Hells Night said:

OMG! Finally!!! I can't wait for you to finish chapter 24. I'm so excited.

Reviews(3)

Mickey

3 months ago Ellie said:

Okay, so before I start off on reviewing everything, I just want to say that my heart is beating so fast right now. I'm going back and forth between trusting Raina's dad and trusting Mason and then not trusting anyone but sweet, innocent Raina. This was SUCH a good read! I think it really brings awareness to both sides: the world can be very dangerous, it's true, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't live your life and have adventures.

Still, I'm not so sure about Mason right now... That last question - "Where do you live?" freaked me out a little. I feel like I am Raina. You've brought so much detailed character development to the story that I actually feel connected with her in that way. So GREAT job on that. I really think it was a great touch to have her so clueless as she is, trusting only her father's words until she meets Mason.

I'm really eager to read the finishing of this story and I hope you do continue it soon.

There were a few grammatical errors, but nothing too distracting from the actual plot. I also found that your sentence structure had little variation - most sentences began with the word "I" and very repetitive words like that. Have you ever heard of Andrew Pudewa's IEW? You might find it interesting to look into his sentence opener ideas just to get that variation back into your writing. That was really the only thing I found distracting when reading this story.

Now, back to the actual story - wow! This was just an excellent read. Very great job! I'm excited to see what comes next!

- Ellie :-)

Mi

3 months ago Artemis J. Potter said:

(I take notes as I read, so I apologize if my review seems sporadic!)

Chapter 1

I really like how you expressed her feelings about the outside world in the diary prologue and her innocence, telling the diary not to “laugh” at her

I'm curious as to why you named her Raina instead of Rapunzel. I feel like, since this is a remake of the story, it would be fitting to give her the same name. But at the same time, Raina does sound more modern, and since the story is more modern, it makes more sense that way. I guess I just like the name Rapunzel :)

C2

“There are no windows, my room is in the basement.” I feel like a semicolon would fit better here

I feel like the dad allowing Raina to have wifi would be too risky for him because, even if she’s not allowed on social media, she can still find out information about the outside world. There’s a lot of information on the world wide web, after all. Even by restricting where she can go there are a lot of places she could go, like news websites or Wikipedia or where there’s more information, especially if he lets her use it behind closed doors.

C3

With the cellphone, I feel like the dad would run into the same problem as with the internet—what if someone contacts Raina? Lots of people get calls on the cellphones from people they don’t know even if they don’t give it out to a lot of people.

C4

Yeah, this was the problem I thought he’d run into. I think it would make more sense if he hadn’t given her a cellphone, or put some super extreme restrictions on it (though I’m not sure if that would stop it).

“Daddy always tells me that curiosity killed the cat. I don’t remember ever owning a cat, but I guess I did. Curiosity killed it, though.” I don’t know why this made me laugh xD

Overall

Can I just say, how messed up the whole story of Rapunzel is? Mother Gothel (or in your case, the male version) gaslights, emotionally, and psychologically abuses Rapunzel in the worst way possible—by making the victim think they love them. That is absolutely disgusting to me. Nothing towards your story, it’s just I never realized how messed up Rapunzel was until I got older xP That said, I like your story a lot and love the simple yet effective way you express Raina’s emotions. I really loved the way you wrote her. Keep up the good work!