Collision: Fusion of Worlds

Collision: Fusion of Worlds

18 chapters / 54971 words

Approximately about 5 hours to read

Description:

Two friends attempting to stop an old enemy threatening another universe; a family trying to stop a sour company from letting him in; and an assassin struggling to find the truth. Follow several individuals from different backgrounds, families and even universes as they each travel their own path to achieve the same goal.
This is my second (or third?) draft but I feel it still needs some work. If you're reading it, please help me identify what's wrong with chapter 16. I just can't see it.
BTW I was not in any way trying to mimic DC's Multiverse concept. I concocted the Panthiverse months before I had seen any DC movie.
This book was purposefully written to not make sense, as the whole thing is meant to stress how even in the most trying and confusing times, He is with you. You'll notice the characters use the words "Where next," "What should we do" and "Where do we go" a lot.
If you notice any little issues, please let me know in the comments.
Cover by The Noctuary

Comments(7)

Candy corn

24 days ago Christine Hungerford said:

I think this story is extremely interesting. You have a ton of action going on, and it's set up pretty well. The only thing I advise is to have a little better POV. In other words, make sure the reader knows what is going on because when you go from one character to the next, the character has to follow with what's going on.

Above all, I think you're doing a really, really good job with the plotline. Also, just go into depth with character look (make the reader visualize the people as well; this way, you'll really bring out their personalities).

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28 days ago Moses Lingle said:

In 'The Crash', after Joshua and Trinity are out of the car and debating Robert's whereabouts, you need to introduce the building they go into before they go into it. It really confused me when I couldn't find any reference to a new location.

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28 days ago Moses Lingle said:

Since I'm having to use someone else's computer (mine is out of commission with a virus) and can't stay on for long, I will read and review in segments of six chapters over a period of days (that is, whenever I can get to it. My life is pretty crazy and busy right now, I've got a lot on my plate at the moment.).

Pp

29 days ago Kylie Elaine said:

You can tell you've put a lot of work into this. I only read the prologue and the next chapter, but they are really good. The description is good and your characters are good, so awesome job! Maybe if I get more time sometime I can come back and read some more. I did find one typo:

"...no one has mentioned your parents in months, let alone (told) us..."

Again, good job, it was a nice read!

Reviews(6)

Candy corn

24 days ago Christine Hungerford said:

I believe you have a story going, and I think other Figgies will enjoy it really well.

I also think you can improve the scenes more. Make sure the readers are tracking with what's going on. You have multiple action scenes in the two chapters I've read and it gets very hard to follow when one character is trying to avoid the police and then another character brings up his company. Explain the reason for Robert not being able to get the police to find his parents. What is the company Jesse's brother worked for really all about? Go into depth so the character does not have to jump around and make sure he is tracking with what is going on in a different sense. For example, when you have Robert and the fact that he is trying to find his parents, make sure you go into enough detail that the reader knows that the police should help him. He's only fourteen and he lost his parents, for Pete's sake. The police should be a lot gentler with him.

When you talk about Jesse and his brother and the company, make sure the character talks enough about it to get the gist of why the guns needed to be brought out and they having to leave the Grill restuarant.

Me

25 days ago Mari said:

Chapter 1: Robert Again, reviewing as I go, so it may jump around a bit

"...and refused to be called an 'orphan', because..." There shouldn't be a comma after 'orphan'

This one is more of a personal preference, but I feel like the descriptions in the beginning jump around a bit too much, and it's making it sound a bit choppy to me. I would personally make "He was small for his age" its own sentence, and start of that long one at the end with "He didn't know where his parents were..." since that goes better with the orphan stuff immediately following. (I hope that description makes sense, I can clarify if you need).

"He knew, and kept searching." There shouldn't be a comma in this sentence either.

Wow the police are rude for telling him that. Did they try looking for his parents before they told him that? Especially since they were all around Arizona. Did the other police stations like alert them that Robert was crazy? Otherwise I don't think the police can just turn someone away without at least looking into the case (at least the first time he visits them).

"It took more effort than he could find to avoid the police..." Why is HE avoiding the police? The sentence immediately before is about him going to police stations. I would separate these into different paragraphs and possibly reword it to make it more clear.

I love the different voices of the people in town. It's good that they all have a distinct voice!

Why did he ask for directions to the police station that he'd already been to a dozen times? I feel like he'd know the way by now, or at least avoid asking for directions because everyone knew he was crazy.

"He never asked for anything, and never..." There shouldn't be a comma here.

"He was ready to give up; but he was..." I think, personally that the semi-colon should be a comma. Right now, the semi-colon kinda separates the two thoughts into 2 related sentences, but honestly they go together just like one, but that's just a suggestion.

It doesn't seem realistic to me that they would let a 12 year old walk around with a loaded gun in a police station, even if they knew him. Maybe you could make it something more like they used to not search him for weapons, leaving him free to conceal carry the gun back when he was 12, but now they would search him and confiscate it, because of his reputation? That's something that would make more sense to me, but again, just a suggestion.

You said earlier in the chapter that the crash was a head-on collision at 70 mph, but the police said the other guy was going over 90 mph. Usually, at least in my experience, collisions are labeled based on the higher speed, but you could be referring to the parent's car when you said "70 mph," and if that's the case I would specify.

"It's in the woods. It has to be" Is he talking about his parents here? Because if so it's a bit strange to be using the word "it," and if you mean something else, then I don't think you ever specified what else he was looking for.

Since the "Operation Ironthorn...." and on is a flashback/story, I would italicize it so it's more clear to the reader that you've switched times/POVs.

Overall I thought the chapter was good. Sometimes the way you worded things was a bit awkward and took me a minute to figure out what you were saying, though it in the end made sense. Something that always helps me is to read your story out loud, or have someone else read it to you (if you can). I guarantee you'll catch any awkwardly worded sentences like this! And as always, I'm by no means a professional, and a lot of these comments are personal preferences, so feel free to modify any suggestions to fit your writing style and story!