Collision: Fusion of Worlds

Collision: Fusion of Worlds

18 chapters / 54971 words

Approximately about 5 hours to read

Description:

Two friends attempting to stop an old enemy threatening another universe; a family trying to stop a sour company from letting him in; and an assassin struggling to find the truth. Follow several individuals from different backgrounds, families and even universes as they each travel their own path to achieve the same goal.
This is my second (or third?) draft but I feel it still needs some work. If you're reading it, please help me identify what's wrong with chapter 16. I just can't see it.
BTW I was not in any way trying to mimic DC's Multiverse concept. I concocted the Panthiverse months before I had seen any DC movie.
This book was purposefully written to not make sense, as the whole thing is meant to stress how even in the most trying and confusing times, He is with you. You'll notice the characters use the words "Where next," "What should we do" and "Where do we go" a lot.
If you notice any little issues, please let me know in the comments.
Cover by The Noctuary

Comments(8)

Trin_aster_pro

23 days ago Trin Aster said:

Dang, okay, so I read the Prologue and Robert, and I can already see you're really good and this is really interesting. I don't' have any critiques only that Robert seemed immediately like trusting Butch when he handed him the gun instead if I was in his spot(not that I'd ever be :P) being told to go away all his life and beat and having no one who trusts him, I'd think he'd be suspicious of Butch and Jesse, but it's up to you if that makes any sense at all.

But this is SOOO well written and I'm curious to what happens next :)

Candy corn

3 months ago Christine Hungerford said:

I think this story is extremely interesting. You have a ton of action going on, and it's set up pretty well. The only thing I advise is to have a little better POV. In other words, make sure the reader knows what is going on because when you go from one character to the next, the character has to follow with what's going on.

Above all, I think you're doing a really, really good job with the plotline. Also, just go into depth with character look (make the reader visualize the people as well; this way, you'll really bring out their personalities).

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3 months ago Moses Lingle said:

In 'The Crash', after Joshua and Trinity are out of the car and debating Robert's whereabouts, you need to introduce the building they go into before they go into it. It really confused me when I couldn't find any reference to a new location.

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3 months ago Moses Lingle said:

Since I'm having to use someone else's computer (mine is out of commission with a virus) and can't stay on for long, I will read and review in segments of six chapters over a period of days (that is, whenever I can get to it. My life is pretty crazy and busy right now, I've got a lot on my plate at the moment.).

Reviews(7)

Blooming heart

about 1 month ago Vera Wolf said:

Chapter 3 (The Crash) Review

"Just as they neared the woods, the car suddenly began to speed up." - because you tell us rather then "show" and jump immediately to panicked dialogue this feels rather rushed and forced.

The engine revved steadily louder as the trees began to blur rapidly past them. Joshua frowned, rubbed his eyes, and studied the speed dial which flickered steadily over towards 120. He shook his head, tapping the gas uncertainly, then removing his foot entirely. The speedometer reflected not change but continued to climb higher as the car raced dangerously down the road.

"Josh, slow down," (who is speaking here btw? I assume the wife) his wife murmured with more irritation than panic.

"I'm trying, I don't understand," he stamped impatiently on the breaks. "What-the brakes aren't working."

^We build into the danger slowly here, also more realistically. Don't jump into danger, build towards it. If its too fast the reader can't feel the tension at all. It leaves us very much on the outside of things.

"I knew I should have had it checked before we left" - why on earth? what would he have checked that would cause a car to accelerate on its own? I was a little perplexed and thrown off by this, its a little to vague.

"The car flipped off the road" - to "They finally stopped" you have two different perspectives here. One focused on the outside at the car, the other jumps inside to the people. I think it would be stronger here to keep the outside perspective otherwise it jumps around too much, and you do seem to be using omniscient here. "It crashed into a grove of pine trees, halting so abruptly it curved around them. The wheels spun wildly towards the sky as the car hissed belly up in the tall murky grass." - not I give a little detail here of the scene as well. This gives the readers a pause to settling into 'the accident' before we jump back to a more 'internal omniscient' narrative.

I'm not sure how Robert didn't hear them? The car couldn't have traveled that far from the road realistically. Or why they thought he would go into the woods of all things as opposed to heading to the road (like he did) to find help. Perhaps that's just more part of the mystery of the woods.

"Maybe he was scared" - how old is this kid?

"Joshua then realizing his leg was broken" - okay, NO. STOP. Fix this. *cringes* No one is going to buy this... omg

Again, the dialogue feels forced here. Unrealistic at parts, and pointless over all. The big question of Why Are They Going Into the Woods rather infuriates me because none of it makes logical sense.

Okay...Why is Ruyon telling them all this. If he can do all the fancy stuff with the house why wouldn't he just make it invisible. I assume something about his being there is causing the vehicles on the road to speed up and caused the accident. Did he also somehow propel this couple to come towards his shed. If so why?

Yea, sure. Guardian of the universe set up in a shack in the woods. Why? Couple who survive an accident walks through the woods towards his shed (one with a broken leg). Why? Guardian proceeds to give them a "history" of who his is and the universe they know nothing about. Why? Why is he even "allowed" to tell them this?

I'm beginning to see how this all links to the MC from the first two chapters. Honestly this story has the feel of 'Stranger Things' to it. Its so bizarre, but a little too much of it doesn't make sense. Hence the bundle of 'Whys' above. You might want to think them through a little bit more. Just because isn't working for me. Right now it just feels like a series of unlikely events that have been forced to happen to make the plot work.

Candy corn

3 months ago Christine Hungerford said:

I believe you have a story going, and I think other Figgies will enjoy it really well.

I also think you can improve the scenes more. Make sure the readers are tracking with what's going on. You have multiple action scenes in the two chapters I've read and it gets very hard to follow when one character is trying to avoid the police and then another character brings up his company. Explain the reason for Robert not being able to get the police to find his parents. What is the company Jesse's brother worked for really all about? Go into depth so the character does not have to jump around and make sure he is tracking with what is going on in a different sense. For example, when you have Robert and the fact that he is trying to find his parents, make sure you go into enough detail that the reader knows that the police should help him. He's only fourteen and he lost his parents, for Pete's sake. The police should be a lot gentler with him.

When you talk about Jesse and his brother and the company, make sure the character talks enough about it to get the gist of why the guns needed to be brought out and they having to leave the Grill restuarant.