Catastrophe, Pacifism and Honor

Catastrophe, Pacifism and Honor

11 chapters / 18226 words

Approximately about 2 hours to read


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5 months ago Sophia Edwards said:

To start off: Everything I write are my opinions, thoughts, emotions. You don’t have to take any advice that I give. I just think it’s helpful to see/read my reactions as I read your piece. If you have any questions about my notes, don’t hesitate to reach out to me and I’ll clarify. I’m sorry if my notes seem harsh…I’m just literally writing them as I would say it if I was explaining it to your face and the way I’m thinking about it in my head.

I never edit my notes after I write them, that way you get the feel of it as I’m reading (even if a question or concern is answered later on)

Don’t feel compelled to answer my questions or explain the things I’m confused about. I write for YOUR benefit and, explaining what you mean or answering my questions doesn’t improve your writing. My notes are made to help you go back and make edits so the next person doesn’t have the same questions. So really, you don’t have to write a comment to answer my questions (unless you really want to lol)!

Chapter 3: The encounter

“…and on and on and on.” → are italicized. I don’t know if you meant to do that, but it didn’t seem like it.

“The wind started [picking up] as they were approaching camp.” → less words and it flows a bit better

“…he couldn’t hear much except his own thoughts.” → was he listening to something else? If he was, maybe mention it. I thought he could only hear his thoughts since that’s all we “heard”.

“…shouted Bras in order for his friend to hear…”→ that’s not really necessary. It’s kind of assumed, explains his shouting.

“The sun shining onto his bald head…” → this sentence is a bit confusing. I get what you’re trying to say, but it seems a bit wordy.

I’ve noticed that you use “a bit” a lot so far (in the piece as a whole). Find other words. For example, instead of saying “move out the way a bit” say “tilting out of the way” or other ways to say the same thing. It just seems repetitive.

“Oh…and if you’re to mention the ring,” the Ulrag [said “] You’re dead”.

I thought Aleksander ranked higher than Bras. If so, why would he call Bras, “sir”?

That bush scene was very quick. I don’t know if it’s suppose to be significant, but if it is, you can add more. Like maybe show Aleksander checking the bushes or his sword for blood, quickly scouring the area looking for the noise. Maybe he and Bras decided it was some rabbits. Was Aleksander exhausted? Scared? Annoyed? Focused? Explain more of his internal dialogue (which you already do so well) more so we can understand how he feels and looks, that way we can emulate it. The point is, explain more.

How does he know how deep into the forest he through the knife? Did he go get it? Did he see it and lose it?

Oh…I guess he’s going to get his knife and is looking for it. Okay, but can you say that earlier so we know?

He’s a trained fighter, and he couldn’t determine what weapon his enemy had? Seems unlikely.

I don’t get why he raised his left hand. I’m trying to imagine it and can’t see what that was for. Maybe explain how he was using the space between to find his target or that was where he put the knife or something?

I love how Bras kind of speaks his own language. It’s so distinct in your writing that I don’t need you to write his name afterwards. That’s how you know you’ve got a very clear character. Aleksander, on the other hand, I’m still trying to figure him out. It’s chapter 3 and I’m still trying to get to know who he is. Is he like Han Solos (careless and looking out for himself) or like Ethan Hunt (just gets himself into nasty situations)? I kind of get that he’s goofy, but it’s just not super clear who he is.

How did his knife get engraved? Is the handle hot and was it accidentally melted into it? Magic? A sign?

I thought they were basically at the camp? Why would they need to go around? I thought they were like a few yards from the camp when Aleksander was attacked….

So I like the ominous ending.

Overall, I still an enthralled by the plot. I’m definitely still interested in it, but I’m also pretty confused as to why things happen and what EXACTLY is happening. Your pacing is pretty fast (which is good for action scenes), but leaves me needing things answered in the moment that just aren’t. I suggest just going back and explaining somethings. It’s much easier to cut back on over-explaining than it is to add on underexplaining. So it might be a good idea to just OVER explain everything and then cut back.

Overall good job! Keep writing!


6 months ago Christina Jane said:

Chapter 4:

Great start that caught my attention! There was a bit of wordiness, for instance, although I appreciate the creativity of saying "He felt acid from his stomach rocket through the neck..." he vomited. Readers aren't as interested in how many ways you can describe vomit as much as they are in knowing he vomited. Also, even if you keep the phrase, I suggest you change neck to throat :)

There's a bit of wordiness that should be trimmed u after, but also a lot of strong imagery and description. I love how you describe how much pain he is in!

When Mok'Rath is describing what happened, he sounds too much like he's writing a book. For instance saying "'Start!' he exclaimed..." does not sound like something I would hear outside of a book reading. I would suggest you think about how you would relay the event if you were talking to someone. For instance, say, "So the referee yelled at us to start.."

For me, there was a bit of confusion during his flashback. For instance, I would like for you to go more into how he killed his own comrades, and his own emotions when he discovered he did.

Chapter 5

When Schamm says the arena brought him nothing but pain, I want to see that. In the previous chapter, there wasn't much indication at all that he had any form of PTSD or such pain or guilt. I can well imagine it, given how vividly you describe his past, but I want to hear it from him.

Overall, this seems like a very interesting story. Quests can be taken in so many different directions, and I think with your handle on description, and if you continue to develop your characters and lay them bare before your readers, you'll do great. :)