Monarch

Monarch

4 chapters / 5994 words

Approximately 30 minutes to read

Description:

A civil war has split the United States in two, divided by the Mississippi River. The Western Colony continued to govern with a democratic style of leadership, but the Eastern Colony decided to go back to a traditional Monarchy, giving the power to individual villages. **

Hundreds of years after the split, no one has ever crossed the border between the two colonies. This is, until Cameron Torres, along with his brother and his best friend, three boys with strange powers that the western government does not understand, are arrested for the murder of a king and dragged across the river into a castle prison. **

With the help of Nicolette, a royal born servant in love with a guy she can never have, Cameron must hide his true identity to fit in at the castle, but when he gets offered a position working for the new queen, protecting his secret will be harder than he realized.

Comments(2)

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about 1 month ago tarekil2 said:

I read it with pleasure. continued

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4 months ago Seth Glasser said:

The story you share here is interesting. I have just come to your page to order essay for the first time to read the third chapter and found the story was very interesting. Can you please tell me how can I read the earlier two chapters please reply me soon as I really wanted to read them out.

Reviews(6)

Kelsey chow

3 months ago Nocturne said:

Right off the bat the description sounds really creative and awesome. Although now that I think about it, the idea of one side reverting to monarchy is a bit far-fetched considering the Americans were all like “down with the monarchs!” But nonetheless, it’s still an interesting idea to explore. Later in the description I do find it unrealistic that NO ONE has ever crossed the border. Do you mean there have been no relations between them whatsoever? That would make sense I guess, but at least individual people crossing the border would happen. And the boys murdered a king? So the western colony had a king, but wasn’t it the one that stayed in the democratic route? Or do you mean they got arrested by the EASTERN colony? Maybe make that a bit clearer. Also I wonder who exactly Nicolette is in love with...maybe a guy born in royalty? I think mentioning who wouldn’t hurt. And I’m guessing the secret Cameron’s keeping is his magic powers? Lol, the end of the description almost sounds like your other book, The Dark Triad, with the whole getting thrown in prison and getting offered a position within the government. But nonetheless the overall idea sounds really cool and I’m so excited to start reading!!!!

(1) Cameron

Geez I wonder what they actually did, cuz they definitely did something to get thrown in prison

So maybe the trio was there at the wrong time when the actual murderers committed the crime?

Okay Jamie maybe you’re out of your government’s hair for good, but just think how a monarchy would view your powers too. If anything you’re worse off now...

The para starting with “Centuries ago” feels like a giant unnecessary info dump. You could try making a prologue about it or incorporate the info in a more relevant part of the story. In context the para just feels random

Sure, it’s illegal to cross the border, but a few people would still do it anyway. So that part in your description about it still feels kind of far-fetched

Now I REALLY wanna know what exactly happened. Yes they were most likely seen at the crime scene, but I’m curious as to why they were there and who the murderers are

“otherwise we’d be in separate cells” - welllll you can’t know that. Again you have no idea how their judicial system works.

Whose dialogue is it in the para starting with “And what do you intend to do”? Maybe clarify with a tag following the first sentence

So far I see that Jamie is the more reasonable brother while Cameron is more spontaneous, and their ages seem to fit those personalities too

Also I noticed that you switched from Cameron’s POV to Jamie’s unannounced and doing that is normally frowned upon, which I know I said before in another review. But yeah, just something to think about

“If you think our government hates us, just wait ‘til you see theirs” exactly what I said!

Great first chapter! It was pretty heavy with dialogue, obviously cuz it’s just an argument between the three characters. But I do kind of wish you started with the crime scene, or at least when they got arrested and thrown in prison. Whenever they mention the murder of the king it feels like I’m missing out on a huge important part of the story. Or maybe you’re saving that scene for a later time? If you are, I hope it’ll fit well with the progression of the story. With this chapter it just felt tell-y with only the dialogue of the characters referring to the incident.

But other than that, I’m excited to see how Cameron will try to find a way out with his clone! And I’m especially interested in how the culture and people and laws of a US monarchy are actually like! I’m assuming the western colony is pretty similar to the real US, so learning how the eastern colony is after returning to monarchy will be a blast.

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3 months ago galken said:

I love the new site!! I know how much time, thought, and hard work it takes to bring a new site to fruition. You've done it, and beautifully! I'm raising my glass of tea to you in celebration of this enormous achievement!!! Hopefully, one day I'll have the pleasure to clink glasses with you personally! color switch