The Surface

The Surface

6 chapters / 6822 words

Approximately 34 minutes to read

Description:

[CURRENT WIP]**Cover by Daniel Jimenez** A young prince just entering the throne. A female assassin trained to destroy his rule...
A King who trapped an entire society underground. An Emperor who is determined to allow his people to surface...
Kaisra begins to learn why she and thousands of people are trapped underground. But there is always two sides to a story, and she discovers things about her past and her abilities that she has never known...
Who will claim the surface?

Comments(9)

Hermionegranger3

18 days ago Rey Granger said:

Oh, my goodness, I've read Chapter One, and it was amazing. I can't wait to read more. This has definitely earned a heart. Hugs! ~Rey

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19 days ago Malvika Rk said:

The first chapter was great! I just joined this site and this book is giving me a good start (:

Excitedsun

23 days ago Mickey Mouse said:

Your world building is definitely on point. The metaphor in the first chapter about the light and darkness was pretty heavy handed though. It's exciting that the two worlds are about to meet.

Reviews(29)

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9 days ago K.H said:

Okay. So... for me the story starts of strong with a good introduction of the main characters in ch1. What confuses me is that in the first chapter stars are mentioned to be in the sky but later on we find out that they are underground. The princess being thrown into a very dangerous situation that could result in her death also seems slightly illogical. There are certain moments that could require a longer description to provide feeling ex. The princess almost dying. It happenes so fast and she comes out unscathed which kinda ruined any feeling. A distinct voice for every character and more character development would be nice so the gem hunting scene would be more impactful. Kay. Not my best review but thats what I got.

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15 days ago houli said:

Kayla,

This is for Chapter 1 :) Excited to get started with this!

Beautiful opening scene! It really paints a clear picture, and you cleverly already gave the reader the context of time without making it obvious. I love the quote, and the immediate relation to the setting.

In the 2nd paragraph, there's a lot of telling going on. It's an easy trap to fall into when using 3rd, so be careful with it. For example, the scene would be much more impactful if the reader was made aware of someone entering the room by hearing the door click shut.

The flow in the next paragraph is choppy and several sentences could be combined. I recommend combining, "He sat" and "Motioned for her.." and also, "He stared" and "He said nothing".

Once again, instead of telling me that the man saw something, show it! Forget the sentence, "He saw something," and simply tell me that his daughters eyes glisten with determination.

The paragraph that starts with, "The girl gasped" is a great paragraph! The flow is nice and natural and your sentence length varies rather than staying the same length.

And great ending to the scene! You did an incredible job of putting that quote to use and referencing it both at the beginning and end. I'm a huge sucker for themes, and you stuck with this one very well!

Oh, yes yes yes. Wonderful contrast between the two pairs, and incredible imagery in this scene. You brought it together very nicely!

Rad piece of work you have here! I think the biggest change you could make is to work on the flow of your sentences - remember to vary length! Great job, and can't wait to hear what you have to say on Ghost :)