Mortal Bliss

Mortal Bliss

1 chapter / 212 words

Approximately 1 minute to read



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4 months ago Paige Johnson said:

Period after grinned. You can only do commas into dialogue if you're using a said type word. Don't overdo the !s. Some writers joke they only allow themselves one ! per book. They are unneeded most of the time because we assume how the words are said. This seems like a scene in a superhero movie where the villain has his girlfriend chained up.


4 months ago Wiwaxia said:

I was actually a little impressed with this one. That was a pretty nice idea. Some suggestions still though: For the second to last paragraph, take out "images played through Renee's mind" and add that sentence plus more detail into the "Renee's eyes flooded with tears" sentence to make Renee's realization more dramatic and gradual. That makes Richard's sentence better too since no one would suddenly say "Your eyes are so blue. Renee was gratified. I never saw them clearly." when he or she is talking to Renee, unless the person is suddenly possessed by the narrator. Also, separate the "Welcome home, soul mate!" sentence into another line to clarify that Richard said it. Finally, I like the title but I personally feel something like "Linked" fits better to the context, but that's really minor. Nice one.