Prison

Prison

1 chapter / 136 words

Approximately less than a minute to read

Description:

Contest Entry

Genres:

Writing, Poetry

Comments(5)

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1 day ago M.E.M. said:

Really intense and dark. I love the detail you put into it

Better

16 days ago A.G. Wade said:

Yikes, that ending tho O_O Still, this was really good. There were a few awkwardly worded instances, but nothing that interrupted the flow of the poem too much.

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17 days ago Rose K said:

Yay!!! Sorry it took me SO LONG to be able to do it but yeah, happy belated review: Second stanza; "They can do nothing except, Tearing her soul apart. " Should Be: "They can do nothing except, Tear her soul apart."

Because 'Tearing' is in present tense while the rest is in past tense. ;)

There are a few other places where it seemed Kind of rocky, and a little uneven, but I thought the idea was really good and I loved the ending, wow. It was kind of amazing how you managed to make it Rhyme and yet still be so beautiful and meaningful. When I try to Rhyme it becomes; Bob is a cat, He has a hat, and a bat. Bob is dat fat cat. xD lol. ANYWAYS; I thought overall it was really beautiful, I'm sorry it was so late, school just started and it was really busy but, yeah. I have to go now. Bye!!!!!

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20 days ago Rave said:

Very nice! However, I do agree with Sophia Edwards about the first stanza. It would be better rewritten. I also think that expanding the poem a bit would help explain how that knife got in there.

Reviews(4)

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10 days ago Kiamesha Denise Sims said:

I love how you explained her old life before she was kidnapped. The emotions were on point. I could actually see it in my head. I love how it was a poem of survival. I love how it tells a story. There are errors but they can easily be fixed.

Sunrise

20 days ago Sophia Edwards said:

To start off: Everything I write are my opinions, thoughts, emotions. You don’t have to take any advice that I give. I just think it’s helpful to see/read my reactions as I read your piece. If you have any questions about my notes, don’t hesitate to reach out to me and I’ll clarify. I’m sorry if my notes seem harsh…I’m just literally writing them as I would say it if I was explaining it to your face and the way I’m thinking about it in my head.

I never edit my notes after I write them, that way you get the feel of it as I’m reading (even if a question or concern is answered later on)

Don’t feel compelled to answer my questions or explain the things I’m confused about. I write for YOUR benefit and, explaining what you mean or answering my questions doesn’t improve your writing. My notes are made to help you go back and make edits so the next person doesn’t have the same questions. So really, you don’t have to write a comment to answer my questions (unless you really want to lol)!

[ ] means to add { } means to delete

I kind of wish you rewrote the first stanza. I like how you give these emotions names and treat them like tangible objects. But I wish, rather than specify what each one of them does, write that they are her companions. Such as” The prisoner isn’t lonely/ she has three good friends/ depression and frustration always there/ and disastrous pain until the end” or something like that.

Also, the imagery of the tear as a raindrop is kind of already instilled in people’s head. Pick something else to interact with the tear, especially since it doesn’t have to match. Something that we wouldn’t except, but that can give us a visual image, since the tears and raindrops isn’t something new.

In stanza three you write, “still being blessed by a ray of hope”. Do you mean like some sunlight? I don’t get the visual imagery you mean. Also (after reading the next stanza), it becomes confusing because I want to know what this ray of hope is? How does she feel it and then become engulfed in darkness.

“But the walls pay no heed” great line

I thought she was hopeful, now in the matter of a stanza, she gives up? That seems rather quick and confusing.

“But nothing could she see” did she become blind? If her eyes never stopped dreaming, how could she not see. Unless you meant literally.

WHERE DID SHE GET A KNIFE? ISN’T SHE A PRISONER?

I felt like the ending would make more sense if she was a prisoner in a “glass house”. Like a royal prisoner with access to things like knife. If she’s in a cage, no one would give her a knife. Unless she fashioned one. But then what would she have made it out of.

But that’s definitely a sad ending.

If you meant it as a fairy tale prisoner, I’d suggest spending more time in the world building. If you meant it as an emotional prisoner (i.e. depression), I’d suggest discussing more of the emotional stuff.

I think you definitely have an interesting concept and beginning. I just felt like the driving idea was muddled a bit. Either because it was rushed or because I was really unaware of the type of threat and the type of prisoner that she was.

Overall good job! Keep writing!