Marionette

Marionette

4 chapters / 6488 words

Approximately 32 minutes to read

Description:

If you could have one wish granted, what would it be? Is this wish worth becoming a servant for life? Blinded by darkness in his immovable world, Mare is a boy that unknowingly caught the attention of a Vampire Royal that's extremely eager to grant his surprising wish .

Comments(14)

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1 day ago The Dark Prince(ss) said:

This story is very interesting! As soon as you start reading it draws you in almost immediately due to the action you thrust into it. I love how you drew everything in but in all honestly I felt like you rushed the first three pages a little too much. I have enjoyed the story so far and I haven't found any issues with it. I do find it very interesting how you're using the term Shikigami, in Japanese that means Grim Reaper so I find it very interesting that you're using that word. Also! I want to give you a small bit of advice, if you're going to use the word Succubus as a plural word then instead of saying Succubus it'll be succubi. Thank you for letting me read this!

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2 days ago TheHalf-Light said:

This isn't necessarily my favorite genre of writing, but it seems like you've created a really complex world for this story. You do have a good few errors of grammar and word choice (I don't think you meant "impotent" in the first chapter), and you frequently capitalize after quotations where you shouldn't. (Ex of how you've been writing: "I want coffee." He said. Correct Ex: "I want coffee," he said.) While this isn't my usual cup of tea, I hope you continue writing and have a good time with it. -K

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2 days ago Dani Scarlett said:

If I could leave more hearts I would! I'm loving it!

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4 days ago Corrie said:

This story is so complex already! I'm loving the society you've built. Nothing like a few vampires and warlocks to shake things up! I kinda feel like I missed something while reading this story (I'm really tired at the moment lol)—are your main characters all telepathic? Leave it to me to accidentally skip over an entire paragraph... Anyway, if they are, I think that's pretty cool!

Reviews(14)

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1 day ago Marie Mitchell said:

Chapter one review The first line had me hooked and made me want to read more. It did confuse me at first because the way you brought in the characters. No, the way you brought them in was fine but it the way you did it. You are you are using presenting and past tense in the same line. Like here a “Gazing out an open, oversized glass window at the starry night sky, stood a young man, looking barely halfway through his twenties.” Try “A young man gazed out an open oversized glass window at the starry night sky who looked barely halfway through his twenties.”

It makes wonder who the characters are and how they are going to grow throughout the story. It makes you wonder where the story going with the way the story starts out. I would love to read more of the story. King Ren seem then type of king that would go to great lengths to get want he wants even if means going against his people.

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2 days ago Charming Quill said:

Your Average Shopping Trip-

…This beginning confuses me. She’s his sister. I mean, why wouldn’t she help him? Especially if she’s done this her whole life. Why does he feel the need to question it? Now, I think I know what you’re going for, and that’s the whole “You’re ruining your life because all you do is take care of me. Why are you doing this? You should just leave me behind.” I think you could make that a bit clearer instead of him asking an obvious question.

“…little bro?” Last chapter, they were saying beseech and your majesty, but this chapter she says little bro. That is instantly confusing. What time period is this in? Because bro is a recent term and yet she’s the only one who has used it so far. I’d suggest defining when this story takes place and making sure everyone’s dialogue reflects that era. If it’s modern, great, but don’t make everyone else’s dialogue formal if that’s the case.

Be careful about using words too frequently. Words like bright, question, dark, old rusted wheelchair, etc. It can start grating on the reader.

“…claiming they wanted to play around.” Play around? What does that mean? Conquer? Just have a fun time with humans? Kill them? Where did they come from? How did they get to Earth?

Also, I don’t like exposition dumps, especially when they feel out of place. All of this could be shown, and not told directly to the reader. I just don’t find it interesting when it reads like a history textbook. That being said, supernatural creatures invading the world is an interesting premise.

“…if you didn’t…” Get rid of you. “You” is only used in dialogue or second person POV. You’re using third person POV which switches constantly between characters. You can’t change POV for one paragraph.

“And that is why any human…” Wait…he’s been explaining this to Nova, who is already his servant. She knows this. Especially since it’s implied she’s been with him for a long time. Why is he explaining this? There’s no reason to except to give a reason for the exposition dump. I’d cut it out.

“…she quickly lashed her head…” Lashed is not the right word. She quickly glanced back to the crowd is better phrasing.

“I told you to stop…Well what is it?” I don’t know why, but these two sentences don’t flow well together. It’s probably because there’s no break between them. You need to have a transition.

This chapter is rather slow and lumbering. I get that it’s setting everything up, but I’m about halfway through and it’s struggling to keep my attention. Once again, I can’t visualize the marketplace or the people in it. I don’t have a sense of how big a crowd there is, what people are selling, etc. I personally need more action or character establishment to keep me interested. Plus, shorter chapters sometimes work better if there isn’t much going on. I’d suggest splitting this chapter. Perhaps you could have the boy in the marketplace up to the point the noble is attacking Ayana. Then, in the next chapter, switch to Nova and Kieski going to rescue them. It’d flow a lot better, and keep the chapters shorter.

“You filthy piece of—“ I don’t really like this cliffhanger ending. It’s not very dramatic because it kind of abruptly ends. It feels incomplete. I’d suggest focusing more on Mare’s panic. Maybe he’s begging someone to help or calling out to her several times. Maybe he’s feeling helpless. Really delve into him since he’s the focal character. Emotionally connecting the reader to him helps to create sympathy and really makes the character stand out.

It is interesting that the reader can now see how the world operates. I feel like you’ve got a good set up, but you just need to flesh out the characters more. Give the reader a little more time with them. Slow down and create a strong foundation to build off of. So far, Nova and Kiseki are my favorite characters. Ayana’s got some spunk too. Mare still seems a bit flat, right now his disability and self-pity is all we really know about him. I need to see a little bit more from him before I really connect with him.

Overall:

The story has a lot of potential. I enjoyed reading it. My biggest suggestion would be to definitely take some time to slow the story down and dive deep into your characters. That will really add to what you have here. Hope this review helps. ;)