The dust prison

The dust prison

6 chapters / 1576 words

Approximately 8 minutes to read

Description:

A prisoner who's been experimented on for years on the bandit planet mars create's a Psychotic personality that takes control of their now shared body. Escaping, he makes his way around the red planet, killing "The deserving" and searching for something lost years ago.

Comments(2)

Picsart_09-24-12.27.11

about 1 month ago Dustyn Johnson said:

This is so brutal but I LOVE IT!!! I can't wait to read more!!

Picsart_09-21-09.16.30

about 1 month ago Synthey said:

As soon as I finished the first chapter I was hooked, I would just love to know what happened before the escape and hope this will be cleared up soon, also who are these doctors? And why did they do the experiments? Can't wait to read more of it!

Reviews(2)

Kayla_pro

2 months ago Kayla Amaro said:

Chapter One Review:

Bad Cop: I would fix the sentence to "he hit the bars and fell unconscious". I think that would sound less awkward than what you had.

When the second guard comes with a rifle, I think he should say something, like "Hey!" or "Freeze!", some sort of command.

I would take out "The sound of" at the beginning of the boots sentence. It sounds more refined without it.

The scene where the MC is throwing the dead guard at the group is confusing. Revisit that paragraph. Your ideas need more organization to make things clearer.

Good cop: This story started of with a lot of action and a bit of mysteriousness....who is the MC? Why was he in jail? Very interesting and a good hooker. I'm curious to see how the story continues.

You definitely added a very interesting morph power to the MC! I haven't read a morphing described quite like that. You have fresh ideas. I love it!

1475345632987

2 months ago Dannielle Byard said:

I love the idea you have for this and it seems like an interesting plot! The main thing I noticed while reading though was repetition, which dulls the effect of your writing and makes it harder to actually reading. Especially when the action scene came up. I would recommend reading it out loud, that way you can catch any grammar errors easily. I would also recommend altering some words to keep from repetition. For example at the beginning when you described the paint then the pants, change one of the yellows to possibly mustard colored. Also you had "I" occur extremely often which also dulled the story, you don't need to repeatedly state who is doing the actions, once you have who it is just describe the actions and the victims so you don't have to keep saying "I". But I think this will be an interesting story the farther along in the reading. Also these are just my thoughts, you are the author, make it how you feel.