The dust prison

The dust prison

5 chapters / 1201 words

Approximately 6 minutes to read


A prisoner who's been experimented on for years on the bandit planet mars create's a Psychotic personality that takes control of their now shared body. Escaping, he makes his way around the red planet, killing "The deserving" and searching for something lost years ago.


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7 days ago Dannielle Byard said:

I love the idea you have for this and it seems like an interesting plot! The main thing I noticed while reading though was repetition, which dulls the effect of your writing and makes it harder to actually reading. Especially when the action scene came up. I would recommend reading it out loud, that way you can catch any grammar errors easily. I would also recommend altering some words to keep from repetition. For example at the beginning when you described the paint then the pants, change one of the yellows to possibly mustard colored. Also you had "I" occur extremely often which also dulled the story, you don't need to repeatedly state who is doing the actions, once you have who it is just describe the actions and the victims so you don't have to keep saying "I". But I think this will be an interesting story the farther along in the reading. Also these are just my thoughts, you are the author, make it how you feel.