Alternate Us

Alternate Us

29 chapters / 2853 words

Approximately 14 minutes to read

Description:

Sorrell's life has never been the same since she became a princess. The jump from her career at the brewery to a luxurious life as a princess wasn't easy, but at the very least, this means she has the power to get her long-boiling revenge on Reign Pennington.
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Amazing cover by The One and Only!

Genres:

Fantasy

Comments(7)

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2 days ago Dani Scarlett said:

I'm so sorry it took me forever to read your story, life had me locked up! I love it and I'm really interested to see where it goes! I really like sorrell. She's my kind of girl! But sometimes I feel like her words don't really match her personality ( I may just be reading it wrong honestly) I really want to know this story of how Reign warranted such scorn lol Might I also suggest a little more description in the surroundings? I would like to know more about what the palace looks like. Overall it's lovely! Keep up the good work!

Artsy fartsy

23 days ago Shannon Leah said:

Read the first few chapters and love it! I am a sucker for romance, cats, magic, revenge. The prologue leads up the love story and I was all giddity and the the first chapter you turn it around and her attitude and ferocity was so exciting! Love it. Also, you are so great at imagery I felt as though I was actually there. I didn't notice too many grammatical errors, mostly just an soccasional comma thing but nothing major. Really enjoyed your unique writing style and intend to continue reading this awesome story!

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29 days ago Devon Golden said:

This book has some good starts. I commend you for what you are showing so far. A note on the first chapter: revise the "worse yet/even worse" redundancy. It's awkward to suggest something is awkward regressively like this. Another aspect to consider would be the cliche of a strong-willed character struck by a man she finds attractive. Otherwise I think you do a great job at showing the story to the reader. **

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29 days ago Devon Golden said:

This books has some good starts. I commend you for what you are showing so far. A note in the first chapter, revise the "worse yet/even worse" redundancy. It's awkward to suggest something is awkward regressively like this. Another aspect to consider would be the cliche of a strong-willed character struck by a man she finds attractive. Otherwise I think you do a great job at showing the story to the reader.

Reviews(8)

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17 days ago Stephanie Horror said:

~*Review for Alternate Us*~

I write my reviews as I read along so anything I say is just suggestions you may take into consideration to help improve your writing or not.

I like the title. That's very eye-catching as well at the cover, but the book description on the other hand...eh. Not so much. For me, there's just not enough information for me to feel interested in reading this.

Author's Note: Ohhh! Okay! That sums up everything on what I'm about to read then. c:

Prologue

I love the opening sentence. Or maybe I love the character's name, Sorrell. Very unique and creative.

I try not to focus on grammar/punctuation errors but shouldn't "dirt" be "dirty" in the following sentence: 'She tossed the now-grimy rag onto the dirt floor.'?

Eh, ignore that. Maybe it really is a dirt floor.

Why is Sorrell even working in a place like that...? Poor gal.

To put it simply: Sorrell hated her job. Eh, I got that sense from the beginning of the chapter. I can't imagine anyone enjoying cleaning up vomit or working there for that matter.

Oh...so that's why she's working there. :( Understandable.

Small village of Tahoe? That's interesting.

I like the scene where the beautiful man drops his glass "accidentally" and this is where things begin to pick up. Honestly for me, I think it feels a bit rushed for this female character to have these feelings of him staying longer for no reason at all. Not even to wonder what his name is. I believe this scene should be expanded a bit more than what it is just for the reader to get a "feel" of the attraction for this male character. There's just got to be more to this scene. I'm not sure exactly what it is, but something...

Awww, that was sweet of him to tip her. c:

Reign. Reign Pennington. I love, love, LOVE that name for his character.

"I think we may be seeing more of each other in the future." That was definitely a bit too forward to say. But definitely adds more to his character.

I want to see you again. Okay, um. Why...? She has this thought in mind, but why would he want to see her again? Was it on purpose (I assume it is) that he dropped that glass? Have they personally met before, but just don't remember? I assume he's attracted to her in a way as she's attracted to him.

'Sorrell looked down at her hands. They were bleeding.' ....what? Did she cut them? If so, don't you think she would've felt the pain from it earlier? That doesn't really make sense.

How could one be distracted by one's charming features to ignore a sharp, painful glass cut? I've been cut before by broken glass and believe me, my attention was fully on the cut itself and trying to make the pain go away.

I love that last line. Definitely makes the reader want to turn the next page for more. c:

Notes: Okay, I won't say that this story is off to a great start so far, no. I think for me, in my opinion, that this prologue should be expanded in some scenes. Like the one I mentioned above where Sorrell and Reign first meet. Well, I can't actually call it a "meet-and-greet", but it is the start of their relationship. And with it being their first meeting, there's got to be more to it than what you just written. There's got to be more there than just Reign's charming looks to make her feel the need to know his name. I know in real life anyone can become drawn to another's beautiful features, but when it comes to writing, I want to feel more of the attraction that a character has for another. I want to know why they feel so drawn to another character, not just because of the looks. Maybe there's a sense that Sorrell has about him that she's never felt before...? Eh, these are just my opinions you can take into consideration or not. c: Good luck with this story and your writing. Your story has lots of potential.

-Stephanie

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26 days ago TheHalf-Light said:

Chapter 1:

OH SNAP! I did not previously see the bit in the description where she’s after revenge on Reign. I am now insanely curious as to what he did to piss her off! That’s some sneaky description work there.

“…shaking in his boots below them…” uh, below who? I don’t get what you’re referencing.

Not sure I believe that “surviving royal fam” should have the s capitalized.

“sorceress or worse, a witch”???? Is there a significant difference?

Oh snap, but she is a witchhhh (but still, what's the diff?)

“Oh, um, I’m sorry, what?” isn’t very princess-y talk, even if she is new to the game.

“…to do the wrongdoing to you” is a headachy mess of tos and dos.

“…icy blue, blue eyes” should only have one blue to it.

“…as hot to her as salt and ice”??? Salt plus ice is not hot. Salt does melt ice, but it doesn’t make a good simile.

“trialed” isn’t really a thing. Go for “tried.”

Don’t put “please?” on a separate line.

I really don’t jive with this “trial” instead of “try” thing. Feels so wrong.

I understand your goal with the “eye-to-eye” thing, but that is way too many uses of the word in a sentence. Generally more than twice is a headache. Try: “..eye-to-eye, mahogany versus ice blue.” Cutting out the extra dashes also really helps legibility.

Tapping his nose is weird. Very weird.

So thoughts on this scene, again I feel like you don’t explain enough of what’s going on around the characters. Where are they in this scene? Is it private? Is there a big audience? What are the reactions/feelings/descriptions of the other royals up there? Is Reign clean and still doing fine up until this point, or is he beaten up and dirty? The dialogue isn’t bad, but try reading it aloud to see if you still like it. Also like whytf would she let him live for three months before killing him? So he can suffer? So he can have a chance for redemption?? What is she thinking here?

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“pauper to princess” is cliched.

I’m 100% sure in most monarchies, being a sibling of a royal’s spouse doesn’t get you far, but okay. Maybe Tahoe is different. Why would the place close if she quit? I don’t get this.

So Sorrell already has the fancy room and furniture? Okay, okay. Ugh, you cannot seriously have her quoting Joan Jett. That’s just yikes. This is set in a feudal state. There is no femme rock in feudal states. So weird.

If you’re meaning for this to be like a modern monarchy, then perhaps their speech patterns make sense, but I feel like these characters are way too casual in dialogue and actions. Royals, even amongst themselves, should be a little stiffer. Also, the lil bit where Sorrell explains how she knows her sister is pregnant is a bit much. It is way too over-explanatory and quite awkward.

“rubbing Sorrell’s head”??? That’s weird. She’s not a dog. You could maybe get away with “patted.”

Again, I’m really confused as to what era this is supposedly set in. If it is supposed to be in a world with primitive medical technology, then no one would ask “boy or girl” since at best you could only guess. If you phrased it like Sorrell asking her sister which she thought it would be, then that would make me think olden times, but this question makes me wonder if maybe this is semi-modern. Please work in more clues to the era. I’m spending way too much time wondering what the setting of this dang story is and that’s not what you want me thinking about.

I get that they’re then talking about what they /think/ it is, but I’ve already spent all of this time confused and not just reading and enjoying.

“I vote girl; …” “I vote girl. …” Just don’t use a comma here.

I once had a writing instructor tell me that the word “very” should be banned from use. It doesn’t really add anything but words to your count. Think about the difference between “flat” and “very flat” … … Does one even exist? (The answer is basically no.) Just trying to get you to think about making better word choices. Is “very flat” heinous? Not really, but is it useful? No.

For some reason, I thought that Caspian was in the room but apparently not??

And magic begins!

“supplies” … a greatly descriptive term (sarcasm, sorry). Maybe give a few examples to replace to vague term. Are supplies dead goats or herbs? Paints vastly different pictures.

“peeked out its head” Not it’s.

Probably best to write “when she (had) found her first spell book” rather than using “she’d” again (had optional).

A quick note to consider going through and replacing some ‘said’s with better words.

The whole sentence starting “Her eyes were as blue…” is weirdly phrased. Scrap and rewrite. “Her eyes were as blue as Rei’s eyes. Sorrell frowned at the cat…” and I don’t know how to fix how weird the index finger sounds, and then don’t repeat “the cat” again.

So, moment of wondering, what is the personality of the cat? After a few lines of dialogue she seems flat, uninteresting, unremarkable. Is the cat supposed to sound young and naïve, or just matter-of-fact? Spend a moment thinking about how to make the cat’s character clear and unique from Sorrell. So far a lot of the characters exhibit a lot of the same qualities and speech patterns.

“Lola shot back. She reluctantly got up…” Doesn’t work with the comma you have in there. Then, “…on the maroon rug next to Sorrell.” Try to avoid repeating the “on.”

… Why can’t cats roll their eyes? If the cat can talk, why can’t she also look over, up, then down?

A beaker? Again with this era thing, beaker sounds modern. You’re killing me on this.

“plain cotton brown cloak” is a hella lot of adjectives. Add a comma in there or something.

Also, so what does she have to be unhappy about?? Doesn’t make sense to me. And flour for a spell? Weird.

Overall thoughts: I like the game you’re playing here, jumping around through time to get readers wanting answers, but I think you’re leaving a few too many unanswered. See: all of the dang ???s I have scattered throughout here. This isn’t horrid writing, not at all, but there are a few gaps you really need to fill in in order to get this to be a smoother read. I’m certainly interested how things escalated as they did in the later snippet. Write on, friend. -K