Innocent Minds

Innocent Minds

2 chapters / 1662 words

Approximately 8 minutes to read

Description:

(Another WIP) After the death of his daughter, a man takes matters into his own hands to track down her killers and avenge her death.

Genres:

Writing, Thriller

Comments(5)

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15 days ago Malvika Rk said:

Woah that was fun first chapter there. I loved the cliffhanger. It must be so devastating to see your own daughter dead like that. Ah!

I wanted to give just a small feedback because I found that the repetition of the word 'causing', is making the flow somewhat inconsistent. Maybe an alternative sentence would really improve it. Anyway, otherwise I enjoyed reading this book (:

12110532425_fa0e6022eb_b

15 days ago Malvika Rk said:

Woah that was fun first chapter there. I loved the cliffhanger. It must be so devastating to see your own daughter dead like that. Ah!

I wanted to give just a small feedback because I found that the repetition of the word 'causing', is making the flow somewhat inconsistent. Maybe an alternative sentence would really improve it. Anyway, otherwise I enjoyed reading this book (:

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22 days ago Strider said:

HOLY CRAP I loved this! Throughout the first chapter you allowed the readers, especially adult parents, to relate to the main character through having the stress of internships, along with maintaining a peaceful relationship with his daughter.

Throughout the first half of chapter two, I love how you created a sense of worry that the main character somewhat overcame in order to respect his daughter's personal space, but in the end was courageous enough to check on her, and WOW! I don't know what I would have done in his situation, but you definitely got some realistic views to your story. If it were a published and in the book store, I would seriously buy it.

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23 days ago A.G. Wade said:

Right off the bat, I love this. Adulting is HARD and getting experience is harder because you have to have experience to get experience (ugh!). XD I love your writing style, by the way! It's ver relaxed and flows well.

ACK! The horror! I was NOT expecting that at the end of the first chapter! Aw man, his daughter? :( The writer in me is congratulating you on writing the emotion and grief of the scene refreshingly well...

Gawsh...please continue this! You've got a great hook and set up. I like how you pretty much went straight into the action. :D

~ A.G.

Reviews(6)

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19 days ago Carson Sandell said:

I just want to say one word, amazing. the descriptions were vivid and felt as if I was Jay. I usually don't cry when reading stories, but this one hit close to home and didn't expect it. There are a couple suggestions I have,

All writers hear them, show don't tell. That is what drags most writers down and with time can be corrected. There also were some sentence fragments, but other than those two the story is great. I am excited to see whether or not you choose to continue with it.

Thank you for reviewing my story. :)

Images (4)

24 days ago Reiga said:

Man your story is great^^ I like the way you vividly describe the way Jay is feeling its cool. There is only a few things I'd like to point out and of course both are my opinions so feel free to discard or whatever XD

1)The first one would be when u called his eyes his hues: hues refers to color. Or if u knew that and still worded it the way u did it through me off lol but that's fine like I said my opinion^^

2)When u wrote Jay talking to his (guessing its a dude by name, doesn't clarify) neighbor u described what he was doing then put what he said in the next paragraph. That confused me. I thought the neighbor was still speaking. :)

3)If u could make your chapters longer that would be great^^ Like merge ch. 2 and ch. 3 then make a new long chapter three. I like books with decent sized chapters like your ch. 1^^

Overall:Well that's all I have to say^^ I liked your book and will be waiting for more^^ I'm not sure where the plot is going exactly but that makes it all the more interesting^^ hopefully I'll see more updates soon :D