1 chapter / 462 words

Approximately 2 minutes to read


Contains violence.


Writing, Horror


There aren't any comments just yet. You should be the first to .



7 days ago Ashley Randall said:

I’m already hooked right away by the first sentence, despite not being sure of what’s happening, lol. Right off the bat your descriptions of Dax give me chills, I don’t even need to be a prisoner to feel scared. “A monstrous laugh bounced off the walls of the solid, concrete underground,” is such a good line. Personally, I feel like it would create more fear/emotion if you used a word like “boomed” or one similar instead of “bounced” bc bounced feels innocent, but its not a necessary thing. Another interesting note is how they have male and female prisoners together in the same cell, and all of their reactions to Dax are quite different, and I love that. Mostly bc you can tell through descriptions of them hiding behind each other that they all just want to live, which is very realistic, and I like it. I have questions about Karen tho, why isn’t she afraid? why does she stare instead of curl in a ball like the others? I’m aware this is a short prompt, but I’m an inpatient child so I apologize. Some descriptions you use that caught my eyes other than the one about Dax’s voice is “Dax adjusted his position so that he was standing tall in attempts to establish dominance over the prisoners.” Its great bc it shows that Dax is human like them, and trying his hardest to make them fear him, it shows he has a reason for acting insane, bc he’s trying to appear so that it’s not just how he is, and I like it. I also love the twist at the end, I’m happy with the fact that you’re not only going to have Dax kill or do whatever to the inmates but also psychologically torture them by making them wait. Psychological horror is always the best. Super cool story!!! I’m intrigued, and wanting more, which is all you need from readers. Nice work!

Paint 1

7 days ago Juliana Damico said:

~ I really enjoy the action words you ulitize in this story, it not only gives a further description, but describes in motion. ~ I see personification in here which is always really vivd so well done on that. ~ At the end of the first paraghraph I feel like you could expand even more on the atmoshphere of the place. You mention an "uncomfortable silence" but you could describe the reaction to that or what that does. ~The first part of the second paragraph you cound expand with the "watching intensly" part. Maybe talking about their eyes didn't blink once of there eyes were as locked on him as a something. ~The rest of the second paraagraph moves quite quickly which isn't a problem since you are describing the layout of the scene, but you could focus on more little details within if you wanted to. ~since karen was the only one who didn't twitch at the sight, describe how she reacted. ~When you speak of Dax adjusting his position I don't think you need to say the reasoning, I think it would flow better if you just decribe that he did aand not why because I feel the reader would already understand why. ~ I really ebjoy the " Marvelous" part with the way he speaks and the reaction he gets when he says it. ~ I really enjoyed the set up here!