16 chapters / 37481 words

Approximately about 3 hours to read


ABANDONED. I won't take this story down but I have lost all hope for it and have moved on to other works. Please check out my story "Xero's Dystopia"
NOTE: Not for younger audiences. There is profanity throughout the novel. If you cannot handle profanity, do not read.
SYNOPSIS: Hayley Lennox isn't exactly a typical girl in Caliente, Nevada. In fact, she currently has no friends but not exactly a shortage of enemies. The most popular girl in school and her ex-friend, Morgan Hathaway is dying for revenge against Hayley for something in their past. Daniel Jamison, however, the school stud and on-and-off boyfriend to Morgan, just wants to get into her pants. Nevertheless, it's safe to say that Hayley isn't exactly "all that" in her high school. Jack Gimmick and Seth Greene are a different story. Jack is the school's rebellious playboy with a tendency to pyromania and Seth happens to be his quieter but equally outcasted counterpart. Although the trio don't know one another all that well, that doesn't stop Jack and Seth from bringing Hayley in on a plan to blackmail their principal, who just so happens to be an former mob hitman in Witness Protection. From planning the school break in and everything that follows to avoiding high school drama, Hayley is in for the time of her life as she falls in love in the midst of avoiding capture for their... Felony.
CHARACTER PROFILES AT: http://irrelephant-alaura.polyvore.com/


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over 5 years ago Alyce McKnight said:

I read the first chapter and it is really interesting. I love your characters and I want to know more. I might come back and read more later. The only thing I want to point out is your first few paragraphs could be a bit stronger but overall I enjoyed it. =)

-Alyce McKnight =)


over 5 years ago Hans said:

I read it all and loved it =)


over 5 years ago Hans said:

I'm only at Chapter 4 and I love it! I love when Seth says "(Poop)happens. That's how Jack was born." I just had to write down that line 'cause I love it =)


over 5 years ago Marissa Childers said:

hilarious, great job, the story flowed pretty well and it was very enjoyable.



about 4 years ago Lynn said:

() – remove

[] – add

{} – fixed typo

Chapter 1

“He was a man of few words so he then pressed play on the DVD player and turned on the television before going back to his desk to play Solitaire on his computer”

Split this sentence up and re-word it. Just sounds awkward.

“Near her, a couple of boys near her”

That’s just redundant. Take out one of the “near her”

“this conversation was intriguing. Intrigued, Hayley…”

Again, redundant. You can take out the “Intrigued” and just keep the “Hayley lifted her head”

“To be able to”

That’s a wordy phrase. You can just say, “just enough to watch the two of them”

“Well, you come up with something[,] then!”

“That could work[,] but how do you know that?”

“…seriously be in your own little world if you’ve never heard him (being) called that”

Why would a principal keep his bills at the school???

My English teacher use to always tell my class: the correct spelling of “all right” is never “alright”.

All right, so it was an okay first chapter. There’s some things to work on, though:

For one, you do a bit of telling instead of showing. Instead of telling the reader that they were angry, annoyed, etc., show it. What do people do when they’re angry or annoyed?

I’m going to refer you to one of my favorite blogs, The Writing Café , and particularly these tags:




I may come back and finish reviewing the whole thing depending on how much time I have. Happy writing!


about 4 years ago A.G. Wade said:

~~~Terminology & Symbols~~~~

( ) = add

[ ] = cut word/sentence

{ } = consider revision

* * = Text unclear

WARNING: I do give my brutally honest opinion, but keep in mind that these are only suggestions.

{It was a typical Tuesday afternoon in...}

Sorry, but right away, that was also a 'typical' beginning to a book. A lot of people tend to start their books off like this, and it's lost a bit of its charm. The foreshadowing is just a bit too dramatic, enough to perhaps elicit a chuckle.

{...Mr. Moss, stood up and walked to the front of the class before he said, "Alright....}

Something about that whole sentence before he begins speaking is rough. It doesn't read very smoothly when read aloud. You might want to consider sandpapering it a bit.

'Typical' needs to have a new paragraph started after it.

...but instead [was] taking this opportunity to try an nap.

...with minimal effort put forth(,) so she didn't find...

When Jack is speaking, put emphasis on 'somehow', perhaps by putting it in italics.

{"There are alarms,"} Seth continued.

Who says 'there are'? Try 'there's'.

Just to throw it out there, you have some very interesting characters and some great dialouge. :) Kudos to you on that!

"Yup[,](.) (T)hat's it. I like her(.)"

Overall, great first chapter. I honestly have nothing to critique on plot-wise, because you seem to be setting it up quite nicely. Your characters seem to have a lot of depth and your grammar, while it could use a little work, seems to be pretty decent.

If you would like me to continue reviewing, just say so on the forum. :) It may take a little time, but I'll try to get around to it.

cheers! And once again, excellent job!