Brenda Wasenda

Brenda Wasenda

1 chapter / 721 words

Approximately 4 minutes to read

Description:

Crazy people love subways. And screaming.

Comments(7)

Ashland

over 6 years ago Rowan Abbott said:

What a great story! I loved the descriptiveness and the way you portrayed this character. The ending was great! Made me laugh! Keeo up the good work

Pool

almost 7 years ago Joyce Von Turner said:

really good describtion and that's what i like. your transitions were smooth and it's humourus. there were a few instants toward the middle where i thought your phrasing was a little odd, but aside from that i like it

Black eagle 1

almost 7 years ago Evan Bruning said:

Where do i start? My first thought was, did this women escape from the mental asylum? The whole story had a nice flow to it, and your descriptions of the cray women were very good, i could picture her like she was sitting across from me right now. Having her follow the narrator home was and then almost getting run over was a perfect way to end this story.

Cute

almost 7 years ago Irina T. said:

That was very realistic i liked it a lot

Reviews(4)

Grass

almost 7 years ago Lauren Komer said:

You said to be brutally honest, so here it goes.

I liked this story, but I didn't really feel the message I was supposed to get out of it. I'm not sure what the theme of this is supposed to be.

We don't really get a sense of who the narrator is. Is it a child, a man, a woman, a cat? I pictured you as the writer seeing this, but I think it would be stronger if we knew more about the narrator.

As everyone said, the descriptions are sublime. However, some of your word choice is a bit off. Words like "severe" and “jurisdiction” jolted me out of the flow of the story and made me wonder why you chose those specific words to use. Hopefully, some of this was helpful. Feel free to bash my own work.

Righthandoflight

almost 7 years ago Luke Pencil said:

Liked it overall, but here are some edits: I don’t think you need a comma in the last sentence of the first paragraph. Not sure you need a comma after the ‘and’ in sentence 1, paragraph 2, either. I know you’re trying to create pauses with the commas, but, at times, so many of them can trip the reader up. As the paragraph goes on, you use these commas reliably between clauses. Since it’s such a motif, I guess you could leave them, but I find that the going becomes choppy with so many of them peppering the page. Then again, I think you need a comma after ‘forehead’. I would swap ‘inexplicable’ with something like, ‘erratic’, ‘chaotic’, ‘rambling’, ‘disheveled’, but that’s a stylistic thing. Um, I would also swap ‘hairy’ with ‘manic’ or ‘frizzy’ or ‘wild’; since we know it’s her hair, you don’t have to call it hairy. Um, I would also put an ‘under’ after ‘from’. Just feels that way to me. ‘Indecipherable’ does not make sense to me in contact. It speaks too much of words and reading; since you aren’t trying to read the food, I recommend something like, ‘random’, ‘obscure’, or ‘unidentifiable’. I would change ‘would admire’ to ‘admired’ because that keeps the tense on the same level as the sentence’s second clause. I really enjoyed the twist at the end and the very last line. I always have a tough time ending things so I was really impressed by the finesse with which you accomplished that. But your comma use really did trip me up. It prevented me as a reader from moving through the work smoothly. I really think you should consider omitting commas in front of most ‘ands’ and in other places where a conjunction effectively pulls two or more clauses together. That being said, your imagery was phenomenal (I had no trouble seeing it all in my head) and the development of the crazy woman was incredibly thorough. Keep up the good work!