Space Perils

Space Perils

2 chapters / 48 words

Approximately less than 20 seconds to read

Description:

*TAKEN DOWN FOR EDITING. IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO READ IT, PLEASE COMMENT ON MY PROFILE*

Comments(14)

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almost 6 years ago Brady Banana-Neck said:

Chapter 2 is really difficult to swallow for me. You used a lot of techie terms and I barely followed it... All I really got was Alyssa got angry, Some guy named Sam quit, and a guy named Gary showed up and replaced him. It was really hard to follow.

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almost 6 years ago Brady Banana-Neck said:

Dedication- That's always nice, and from the looks of it you must really be interested in the space program.

Prologue- Gotta love a good prologue :) You could probably get rid of the "Prologue that you wrote in the body, it's unnecessary when the chapter is called "Prologue". Anyway, you start off with basically "we're gonna crash" which is awesome (not for them of course :P) So far the grammar seems fine and nothing seems wrong phonetically. Nice chapter.

Chapter 1- It seems that there will be a lot going on in this story just from this one chapter. You use a lot of technical terms when you describe what's going on in the story. It was hard for me to get it at first, but I think I mostly understood what was going on. And I'm also surprised at how calm all these guys are, it's pretty cool. And again you could probably get rid of the "Chapter 1" you wrote in the story, the name of the chapter is enough."

That's all I can do for now, but I'll come back, whether it be later on tonight or tomorrow afternoon. It's alright so far, and it sounds like you know you're stuff :D

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almost 6 years ago Alana Topakian said:

this is really good.... it was incredibly interesting, and a definite great idea.... keep up the good work!

Tifa eyes2

about 6 years ago Account Moved said:

Personally, I don't know anything about NASA, but it feels like my knowledge of it has gone up a few notches after reading this. I really like this idea, and I can tell how much you love NASA. Keep up the great work!

Reviews(1)

Ascw33464

about 6 years ago Vik said:

OK, it's a great idea, and I'm honestly quite intrigued by the plot and characters. However, there are some flaws that I need to mention. In the beginning chapters, there are quite a few spelling errors that you should go back and fix. Also, there are a lot of missing prepositions that you need to fix; similarly, there are numerous other grammar issues that you should go back and fix up. They really get frustrating if you have to deal with them for a while.

Now, I feel like you're rushing the story. You don't spend enough time giving us a full description of the situation and showing us what the atmosphere in the shuttle is. I understand that it's very frantic, but I also feel that there should be a level of "I'm going to die" in the atmosphere that I found greatly lacking in the story.

Also, you might want to give us a history of Shuttle Declaration. Tell us how it came into being and why. It'd really be nice for us dorks to read that.

Most importantly, though, you need to give more information about each of the maneuvers that is going on. We're not all manned-space-flight nerds. We have no idea what any of this means. You need to EXPLAIN what it all means.

Other than that, keep up the good work, and I eagerly await chapter twelve!

Oh yeah! Reply to this review either on my figment wall or my facebook wall.