Peek-a-Boo

Peek-a-Boo

1 chapter / 382 words

Approximately 2 minutes to read

Description:

© Marissa Steidl 2011

Genres:

Comedy, Short Story

Comments(9)

Astripromo

almost 6 years ago Zara the Shikara tara said:

It is funny. I like it.

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almost 6 years ago Issa Trinidad said:

A cute little story, though it was kinda random. I found an error: "No knew messages from Emily" should be "new". Good luck in the contest!

Picture 57

almost 6 years ago Chao said:

HAHA! I enjoyed this quite a bit, even if it was random and ... strange. :)

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almost 6 years ago Anon Y. Mouse said:

i liked it, and the cool twist, but i think it goes too fast. like the hot dog thing and carl are all kinda irrelevant to the story -- i don't really think they have anything to do with it. and by the way...was the bathroom on the first floor? or the second?

Reviews(2)

Santacruzme

almost 6 years ago Trina Elisabeth said:

LOL This is just hilarious! You've got a few grammatical mistakes that need fixing, but a quick look-over can fix that. Nice job XD

Drumsticks

almost 6 years ago Olivia Thrasher said:

This is a strange story. Random, funny, and strange, but enjoyable. I found a few grammar mistakes:

Punching in the numbers, I stop by the hot dog stand. Handing the vendor a crumpled five, I wait for Carl to answer his phone. These are two of the same type of sentences, and it feels a little redundant. Maybe you should change one of them.

"Yo Carl whats up?" I manage through a mouthful of hot dog. Whats should be what’s, and I’m pretty sure there should be a comma in there somewhere.

"Were you sleeping?" I ask mocking him. There should be a comma between ‘ask’ and ‘mocking’. I personally think that it should just be, “I mock him” but you’re free to leave it as is.

"Yes." I can picture it now. Him rubbing his eyes moving his way too long brown hair out of his face, exhausted from a long day at work. There should be an ‘and’ between ‘eyes’ and ‘moving’.

I cross the street, and duck into an alley headed home. There shouldn’t be a comma in this sentence.

When I get there, I unlock the door. Again, no comma needed.

"I want you to get lost creep." There should be a comma before ‘creep’.

Despite the mistakes I found the story quite enjoyable and funny. Good luck in the contest!