The Swing

The Swing

1 chapter / 2252 words

Approximately 11 minutes to read

Description:

He's sick. She's worried. But The Swing gives them hope. Cover by Brookie :)

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Comments(77)

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almost 5 years ago Ava2121 said:

Very sad! The relaitionship those two have is adorable!

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almost 5 years ago Haley Kurtz said:

I found this a compelling and amazing story. I was sucked into it and didn't want to stop reading for anything. Amzing work, keep it up! :D

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almost 5 years ago TheHalf-Light said:

I really liked this, it was like a perfect little snippet of a complex situation. There was just enough information to keep me interested without over-doing things. I'm really glad I took the time to read it :) KH

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almost 5 years ago Rose said:

Great job! Hearted!

Reviews(15)

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almost 5 years ago Sarah_smile3 said:

The Swing

-Never start a sentence with but, unless its in dialogue.

-Try changing, "Charlie shouts back before giving a heart laugh at his own joke. He begins to slow down, though, now panting even harder than I am."

-I am sensing that you use "even" a lot when doing comparisons. Try to mix it up a little or just try removing it from some sentence (i.e. the fourth sentence of the piece).

-Try changing, "In spite of the pain my feet are in, I speed up to reach him when I see him slow down."

-Try changing, "Sometimes I wonder how such a small young boy can carry.."

-Try changing, "He just came home with Dad from his second surgery three days ago. Mum and Dad didn't tell me whether the surgery did Charlie any good. God only knows what happened. From the pain he seems to be suffering now, I guess the surgery didn't do him much good, regardless of the fortune it cost." (Also remember to capitalize Mum and Dad. They are proper nouns in this sentence)

-Try changing, "If he's fine then I'm the fittest person in the world." (you have to keep tenses the same)

-Try changing, "Just where were you heading when you ran off like that?"

-**attach[ed] to a willow tree..

-Try changing, "When it comes to reaching this swing, nothing will stop him." (Also reconsider your next sentence "Not even with two elephants pulling him." Trying something that might fit better or using something realistic?

-Capitalize Mum unless the word "my" is behind it.

-Try changing, "God, this is real mental torture."

-You do not need two separate time explainations.. Pick either "in one swift movement" or "within three seconds." (Also, remember to write out the word three and not have "3" in a story..)

-Try changing, "I definitely haven't seen him so happy in the last two weeks when he was in the hospital. He was constantly injected--at least three times a day--while getting bored watching Spongebob, Ben10, and whatever other cartoons the hospital let him watch." (You have a crazy-long run on sentence here)

-the first thought that pop[s] into their minds..

-out of my la-la-land and back to the present..

-stuck in that hell of a hospital>>Charlie seems to young to call it Hell. Maybe I'm mistaken at his age, but he seems very young.

-Try changing, "...on the grass this whole time. If I had been standing, I would have collapsed and hit my head on the willow tree when my legs suddenly turned into jelly."

-I never knew he was that insecure.. (keep tenses)

-a wide grin plaster[ed]

-Charlie, I'm sorry." I managed to get the words out.. (managed is not a dialogue verb)

-Try changing, "Charlie sighs and walks over to sit down next to me on the grass."

-Try changing, "Charlie says, shrugging as he begins to pluck out.."

-..on time everyday, but if the clover turned out to be an.."

-..when she is really mad.. (you only said Mum, not Mum and Dad)

-Overall, I think this is a wonderful scene to write. You did a good job keeping with the tone. However, you need to get rid of all the Ands and Buts that start your sentences. Make sure your tenses follow throughout your piece. I would run spell check on this piece (it also does a grammar check). Also, try to not sound so teenage-y. The tone is good, but when you have long, tangent-like sentences, no one wants to keep reading. Its like when your parents start lecturing you..you tune them out :P Anyhow, I enjoyed this. Good job! :)

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almost 5 years ago Parfait said:

It was so perfect! Good job, keep writing, sorry I wasn't much help.