Once Upon A Wishing Star

Once Upon A Wishing Star

5 chapters / 4179 words

Approximately 21 minutes to read

Description:

15 year old Ellie lives in a family dampened and darkened by a cloak of murder and blackmail. However, one night her world is rocked to its very core when a falling wishing star leads her to a mysterious young boy. He begins to tell Ellie that he's her "guardian angel" and that he's here to save her from her life. However, there a twist; he isn't there to save her life but to claim her soul and steal her body.

Cover by Becky Hill! I love that girl for her amazing cover!

Comments(14)

K

about 6 years ago K.A.E said:

Hmmm... I don't really know how I feel about this yet. It is creepy, for sure. I am not really sure if I like it yet.. But I definitely want to see where it goes.

Things I noticed -

The beginning is much stronger than before when I read it, and makes Kay seem a little more.. real.. So does Ellie.... But it still needs... something. I can't say what, maybe it is just the overall weird feel of the story, but I am not quite connecting to it yet.

Moonintrees

about 6 years ago Lady Cirrus said:

LOVE the prologue. After I read that, I knew the story was worth my time. So I read it. first off, your images are to die for. The emotion the whole thing creates is killer- a lightly creepy, darkly intriguing. I like how you didn't exactly describe things, it made reading your story more of an imagination work out. (which is a good thing, no matter what they all say). You didn't have very many mistakes, and none that interfered with the story as a whole. Great job, and I hope you publish more stories!

Ian

about 6 years ago Damon Salvatore said:

Haunting. ABSOLUTELY the kind of thing I love reading ;)

Disneyprincess

about 6 years ago Amme Forever said:

Wow. The description is fantastic.

Reviews(4)

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about 6 years ago Noel Vincent Potage said:

"That's a really creepy story grandma. Why can't it be happy?"

I think this is an acurate summary of the general feeling of this story. It's really creepy and sad, but at the same time, I think it's really well written. I like your style and your words, but there are a few things lacking.

For one, I had trouble at the beginning of the story to understand if they were actual people or talking animals. Maybe you should describe them physically, it will also help to visualise it all.

I also feel that you need to give a bit more details about who Ellie is. Oh, and also Lucifer. The Alien/Angel of Death is quite an interesting character, I just don't see yet what his role is.

Great work though.

V.

Dragon wallpaper

about 6 years ago AndreaKHill said:

This is a really creepy story. The abusive mother, the strange boy, the very loving grandmother. All of the basics are there, you simply need to add some meat to it.

I didn't get to read the fourth chapter, because of the access key, so I'm only commenting on the other ones.

You should go back and check for grammar. It's hard for me to do grammar critiques here on Figment because I can't refer back to the story while writing the review, but there were a lot of places you are missing commas, especially in addresses. For example:

You said: 'What are you doing Pet?'

What it should say: 'What are you doing, Pet?'

Get what I'm saying? Sorry, grammar critiquing is not easy on this.

Anyways, I don't quite understand Brandon's reasoning with going along with Kay's madness. Does he love her? Does she hold something over him? I know it says that she blackmails him with his brother's death, but I fail to see how they are connected. Was he there and didn't stop it? Did she plant evidence that proves he did it? If so, then why was it classified as an accident? If it was classified as an accident, then why does Brandon have to be worried about her pinning something on him? I know she has something over him with his mother's death, but it seemed like Kay already had him under control by then. There are two main reasons psychopaths and sociopaths are able to control people; through love and through fear (love obviously being stronger). I can't see why Brandon either loves her or fears her. I hope this is something you expand on later on. Sorry for harping on this, but I'm a psych major :).

Also, I think there is some good characterization that you missed when it came to Ellie. As it stands, I'm not sure why she is so obsessed with the idea of the Wishing Star. Her mother doesn't seem like one who would stop and tell stories about it. So, I'm not sure where she got it from. Maybe they are from stories her grandmother told her? It would add some depth to their relationship and give good characterization to Ellie. The Wishing Star is her last connection to her missing grandmother, which is why she still wishes on it ten years later.

Either way, this could become a very good revenge, or redemption, or escape story. Keep writing!