Maya at first is hateful of her new classmate, whose father is a murderer, but she learns that Jamie is actually a good friend.
Maya Rue Character by: Kayleigh Fongers
California High: Aidan Blockley
Okay, so I didn't want to post this as another review, but I just noticed something in my review... I said Christ Fleming... Instead of Chris... Oh my god... XD
/hahahahahahaha
I am actually laughing right now.
Haha, sorry about that. :D
This is a wonderful piece. I really like the title too. It really fits the story well. Good luck, in the contest! Hope you check out my entry. Hearts are appreciated ;D
Okay, I had to read this, because my name's Maya and all... :D And I have to say, I love it. It's inspiring (particularly for me XD), and the story is very sweet and compelling. I like your writing style, because though it seems casual, it takes the reader along with you.
I do have some suggestions.
You have a bit of a problem with "showing, not telling" here. You tell us a lot about the school. You tell us that Christ Fleming was a wonderful person. You tell us why. You tell us that they were murdered. But the problem is, the reader has a hard time caring that they're dead. It's just like, "okay, that barely-character is dead now." Show us how nice Chris was, show us what he looked like, show us the family's generosity, its heroism. Show us how great they were. Show us the brutality of the murder (maybe Maya saw it on the news or something). And the Flemings are just an example. Show us that Maya's father is abusive. Show us the bruises. Let us feel her emotions, rather than just telling us her thought process. I think a little more sensory detail, description, imagery and emotion could make this story all the more beautiful, and elicit an emotional reaction from the reader. (Holy crap, I just got to use the word "elicit." :D)
Though the story is very interesting, and the writing is enough to carry you through it, I feel like there could be more. This sounds vague and weird, but currently, it feels like the story is a vehicle for the message, where the writing itself should /be/ the message. While your story is powerful, and your writing is pretty, I'd love to see the same power of your message in your writing. Add more description, more imagery, more emotion. Slow the pace down a little bit (I know this was for a contest, but it's over, right? So you can do what you want with it). Just try to drag it out more, and add more to it. Give your writing the same punch that your moral has, and the story will be much more powerful.
I adore your metaphor about the apple. You took an old standby and elaborated on it to turn it into a beautiful, meaningful metaphor, with the idea of the apple rolling away or being carried. That's the kind of power the rest of your story could have.
I'm certainly not saying the writing is bad. It's very solid, and does convey the message. I'm just trying to say that I feel it could be made even more powerful. This story has a great message, and like I said, it was very inspiring. The idea of breaking out of social...reputations, per se, is really important to me, and I think you did a beautiful job with it.
Great story! :D
- Maya
Comments(11)
8 months ago Cassidy Nolan said:
This is great, but why would her father do that? (Jamie's father I am talking about) I need to know.
12 months ago Maya Quai Abondya Rose said:
Okay, so I didn't want to post this as another review, but I just noticed something in my review... I said Christ Fleming... Instead of Chris... Oh my god... XD /hahahahahahaha I am actually laughing right now. Haha, sorry about that. :D
about 1 year ago B.C. Doyle said:
I liked this a lot!
over 1 year ago Brianna W. Mellark ϟ said:
This is a wonderful piece. I really like the title too. It really fits the story well. Good luck, in the contest! Hope you check out my entry. Hearts are appreciated ;D
Reviews(2)
12 months ago Maya Quai Abondya Rose said:
Okay, I had to read this, because my name's Maya and all... :D And I have to say, I love it. It's inspiring (particularly for me XD), and the story is very sweet and compelling. I like your writing style, because though it seems casual, it takes the reader along with you. I do have some suggestions. You have a bit of a problem with "showing, not telling" here. You tell us a lot about the school. You tell us that Christ Fleming was a wonderful person. You tell us why. You tell us that they were murdered. But the problem is, the reader has a hard time caring that they're dead. It's just like, "okay, that barely-character is dead now." Show us how nice Chris was, show us what he looked like, show us the family's generosity, its heroism. Show us how great they were. Show us the brutality of the murder (maybe Maya saw it on the news or something). And the Flemings are just an example. Show us that Maya's father is abusive. Show us the bruises. Let us feel her emotions, rather than just telling us her thought process. I think a little more sensory detail, description, imagery and emotion could make this story all the more beautiful, and elicit an emotional reaction from the reader. (Holy crap, I just got to use the word "elicit." :D) Though the story is very interesting, and the writing is enough to carry you through it, I feel like there could be more. This sounds vague and weird, but currently, it feels like the story is a vehicle for the message, where the writing itself should /be/ the message. While your story is powerful, and your writing is pretty, I'd love to see the same power of your message in your writing. Add more description, more imagery, more emotion. Slow the pace down a little bit (I know this was for a contest, but it's over, right? So you can do what you want with it). Just try to drag it out more, and add more to it. Give your writing the same punch that your moral has, and the story will be much more powerful. I adore your metaphor about the apple. You took an old standby and elaborated on it to turn it into a beautiful, meaningful metaphor, with the idea of the apple rolling away or being carried. That's the kind of power the rest of your story could have. I'm certainly not saying the writing is bad. It's very solid, and does convey the message. I'm just trying to say that I feel it could be made even more powerful. This story has a great message, and like I said, it was very inspiring. The idea of breaking out of social...reputations, per se, is really important to me, and I think you did a beautiful job with it. Great story! :D - Maya
over 1 year ago emk said:
hey gurl awesome story very inspiring hope you win