My Right, Your Right

My Right, Your Right

1 chapter / 979 words

Approximately 5 minutes to read

Description:

**Thank you so much for Emily Matz for the main character, and Julie Baziuk for the awesome setting:)** My entry for the MTVAct.
When thirteen year old Kara was sitting on a train to New York, a women creates a scene.

Genres:

Short Story

Tags:

Comments(5)

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over 5 years ago Wyatt Jaymes said:

Very good! Please continue this!

Meow

over 5 years ago Her said:

wow thats really well written

it make me think of how much i love nyc

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almost 6 years ago Uomo di Speranza said:

A few spelling mistakes and a bit cheesy, but a good concept overall. I would love if you took out some of the exclamation points and added some more detail as to how the Muslims pulled off their mosque right next to Ground Zero...as you know, there was quite a bit of resistance. Overall, you're off to a great start!

Please check out my piece, "How to Live a Noose-Free Life." Thanks!

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almost 6 years ago Brianna W. said:

This is a wonderful piece! Good luck, in the contest! Hope you check out my entry. Hearts are appreciated ;D

Reviews(2)

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over 5 years ago Anna said:

That was cool!

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almost 6 years ago Irene Ledieh said:

Hey, I want to apologize for taking so long in getting around to reading and hearting your stuff for our swap. I'm getting ready to head out to University and I've been hectically busy these last few days, so, review for you! (It's my "I'm-sorry-I-was-late" Special :D)

So, in reading the description, it's fairly simple and self-explanatory. But I'll just have to read the rest of it to find out ;)

First of all, your description is really nice. There's quite a lot of it, but you set up the scene well. :)

"A little ways down, the door of another box, had broken, so that it rattled when ever the ride became a little bumpy."--> The commas around "had broken" are unnecessary. Try reading the whole sentence with little pauses before and after had broken and you'll find that they just make the sentence choppy.

"I pulled out my smartphone, and typed in what I had heard: "saba al kare". Up popped a little message saying, "Did you mean sabaa al-khare?" I tap on the link and a new page turned up. Choosing Wiki Answers, I confirmed my suspicion; the language he had spoke to me was Arabic. I tucked my phone back into my pocket, and continue looking out of the window." --> Two things, here. First of all, I'm not sure if her looking up what he says is absolutely necessary. It's a detour from the story. Yes, it's realistic, but when there are only 1000 words to be used then completely running off onto another path only to come back seems a bit pointless. You've already mentioned that he looks Middle-Eastern, so maybe you could leave what he said up to the reader to translate instead. It might just be me, but my own curiosity would lead me to do so. You could have the main character briefly consider what language it was and then move on? Or maybe the character would guess and guess right. Or, if you want to leave the smart phone in, say something like "I input his greeting into my smart phone and it came up with Arabic, as I suspected."

Also, in the last sentence, you switch tenses. "I tucked my phone back into my pocket, and continue looking out the window." Continue should be Continued. Also, the "and" before "continue" doesn't need to have a comma before it.

""Do you know about what happened on the ninth of september two thousand and one?"..."Of course you do. Everyone does! And you know what those Muslims did?"" --> This made me laugh, not because of the subject matter, because when I read "Do you know what happened on 9/11" I was thinking to myself "Of course she does. Everyone does." Literally word for word, and then I read it and I just couldn't help it. I love it when stories complete my thoughts when it comes to these things because then I don't have to bring up that most everyone would have known what happened on 9/11.

"They built a mosque… right next to Ground Zero!"--> Oh, *this*. I hope someone tells that lady off in a hurry. I'm glad you incorporated this into your story because it's a real issue that we're still facing today. Not that the other stories in this contest aren't focussing on real issues, but they are (mostly) fictional events. This one is actually happening, even today.

"Hey Mrs." --> Something just looks wrong about that. It's probably because Mrs. feels like it's short for something. I would replace it with "Ma'am" or "Lady", (because if I were about to tell someone to back off with some strongly-worded argumentation, I would skip the formalities). You don't have to, though, I'm just kind of thinking to myself, here.

""No you don't!""--> There should be a comma between "No" and "You don't!"

"They at least know that everyones equal!"--> "Everyones" should be "Everyone's"

"...I hope the answer is obvious." I was shouting now."--> I would change the period after obvious to a comma.

"You don't have the right! Because, it's people like you who start war."--> I think this would be better as one sentence: "You don't have the right, because it's people like you who start war!"

"...And it's people like you who don't allow world peace.""--> Good argument.

To be fair, though, I'd like to see the main character add something about understanding this woman's pain. She did, after all, lose a husband. That's no reason to take it out on others, but she was personally affected by the tragedy and has a right to be angry about it. I'm not saying that she has the right to be angry at innocent people who weren't involved, but she has the right to be upset. You might want to mention something like that.

Overall this was a simple and very real story. Well written (aside from some parts, but I'm very nit-picky) and easily related to. The only piece of advice I have is to cut down on the description a bit (I'm not saying all of it, because it's really good) and elaborate some more in the "meat" of your story.

Potatoes are nice, but they aren't what everyone is really looking for on their plate.

Otherwise, really well done. Good job and good luck with the contest!