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Approximately less than a minute to read
A soldier can’t find his place in the world anymore.
over 6 years ago Russell Bates said:
I like your metaphors for the changes in his brother. It does seem to be more descriptive than lamenting though, so you might be able to squeeze for a bit more emotional impact with, as Kyle said, more active wording. I love the last couple stanzas, and I also like the way you use repetition and inconsistent metering to convey a sort of sense of something being broken, as it fits perfectly with the content of the poem. Keep up the good work, you get +1
over 6 years ago Fish Fingers and Custard said:
This reminds me of my grandfather, who was also in a war and had Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Thank you for putting it in a new light.
over 6 years ago Kyle Nimmrichter said:
Maybe it wasn’t intentional, but the first stanza is in trisyllabic meter :P Like Dr. Seuss poems. da DA da da DA da da DA, da dA da da DA da da DA (capitalized words are emphasized and create a light playful mood and atmosphere for the reader, which juxtaposes your subject matter... maybe intentional? But to me it detracts from the meaning. If you were talking about butterflies and bunnies then this would be a perfect meter, but this particular flow doesn’t line up with the subject matter for me - see below)
He’s HERE, but he NEver came HOME
NEver came HOME from the WAR
He’s HERE, with his EYES cold as STONE
STONE looking BACK to befORE
But it isn’t continued, which in my opinion is a good thing :P
but you still do it in some lines...
All in all, it’s a really interesting poem. And the ideas are fantastic, I would have loved some darker language, I feel this is a subject which would affect a lot of people if you could perhaps evoke stronger emotions with stronger language... to me it’s just too passive. But it’s well crafted nonetheless, so good job :)