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Approximately 18 minutes to read
NATIONAL GOLD MEDAL WINNER OF THE 2012 SCHOLASTIC COMPETITION, SCIENCE FICTION/FANTASY CATEGORY (this is the unabridged version. an abridged version was submitted for the competition.) (a Gold Medal represents 1st place in the nation per grade.)
almost 2 years ago Soraya said:
Wow! This is definitely a winner ;) Beautiful descriptions, very well written and extremely powerful! Mind checking out my story "57 BLOCKS" and leaving me some feedback as well? I'd appreciate it! Thanks in advance :)
over 2 years ago No longer Lotus said:
Congratulations on winning gold in scholastic. I have entered my art in the scholastic art and writing awards.
over 2 years ago Beautiful and Strange said:
I can honestly say this is the best thing I've ever read on Figment. I absolutely understand why this won a Medal.
I don't feel that there is any point in critiquing this story or even in pointing out its strengths.
It's perfect. That's all I need to say.
over 2 years ago Riley Black said:
Eugh... that made my stomach twist.
Beautifully orchestrated piece. Simple, but it gets the point across. And the ending made me happy but really... sickened? at the same time.
I think the last thing I thought about this piece was "what will his mom think when he's gone?"
Kind of made me really sad.
almost 2 years ago Kaitlynn Aisling said:
It took me some time to feel invested in this story. I didn't feel that Thomas showed enough emotion for his mother's plight. My own grandmother died of brain cancer and I know that there are a wealth of conflicting emotions that go along with such a diagnosis. However, there was something about this piece that pushed me to keep reading. Chapter 9's ending truly got me. The way that was written was intense and just felt so final. Chapter 10 is what makes this piece. The ending and the correlation between Thomas and Eric and the realization Thomas felt for Eric's humanness just pulled the story together. The straight forward tone of the writing in this story truly sells it and your grammar and phrasing is spot on.
almost 3 years ago TemptedFiction said:
I got to the third chapter then decided to comment. This is really good, with what you've written so far, but I do think that it needs some polishing.
>In case I missed it, which know me, I may have, we don't really have enough background on the MC or his Bully (if the Mc is a make anyway). I don't know enough about him to really feel sorry for him. He's just another fictional character I'm reading, and I don't want it to be like that. I want to feel for him.
>I don't like how you just through in the MC's mom having cancer. I don't think with where he was it was relevant. Now maybe if you would have introduced it before that would've been fine. I remember reading where the MC said that he didn't want his dad to see him cry, or his mom. Right there would have been a good place to put, "...escpecially with everything that's going on with her already. All the cancer treatments, and all the medicines, this would have killed her." Or something along those lines so we understood more.
>Also, throughout the chapter I read, I don't really see a lot of descriptions or imagery. Maybe it's your intent to make the story as vague as possible for effect, I've read some books where it works fine, but I think here I as a reader would've connected more with the story if I saw this.
>Overall, this is a solid start, and once you polish some things up the chapters can be longer and even more enjoyable to read. Good luck with this.