The Alpha Sacrifice

The Alpha Sacrifice

1 chapter / 667 words

Approximately 3 minutes to read

Description:

* DO NOT READ ! UNDER CONSTRUCTION *
This is a story that I wrote inspired by all the supernatural books and authors .
Hope you like it and please heart it as much you can every heart is needed .

Comments(19)

Me!!!

over 5 years ago Duston Finch said:

I thought it was a really good story. Have you finished it though?

Profile

over 5 years ago Chloe said:

I liked this! It was good, and you should continue. And I know everyone's been saying this, but its true: You need to edit, and fix the errors! Anyways, It was good.

Snow queen

over 5 years ago Margot Lefevre said:

Awesome! I love the last bit the best! Great job!

Emily

over 5 years ago Mauri ;) said:

I like your story so far. I feel you need someone to help edit it for you.. help fix somethings. Would you mind reading my story?? Thanks if you do!

Reviews(3)

Dsc_1397

about 6 years ago Aladdin said:

I'm really not a werewolf fan or even a fantasy fan, to be honest. So, I can't necessarily say that I enjoyed this story, but I can offer you valid criticism and commentary.

The grammar NEEDS to be fixed. You have TONS of feedback telling you the same thing, yet you haven't gone back and revised yet? You shouldn't even let your FRIENDS read your writing until it's presentable. Presentable doesn't mean finished. Half of writing is storytelling, the other half is editing. Please edit this. It is in desperate need and you have neglected it.

But....on the other hand, I guess it's a good story. You let it end gruesomely. But its unclear and rushed. Don't write so cogently. This could be a very good story. However, here are some pointers:

- rewrite this, but rewrite every little detail you can think of. Use your third, creative eye and see the story playing out before you from beginning (as far back as you want to start) to end. - EDIT IT - When you edit, you can look at all these details you have collected (think of them as notes) and then select the ones that you think are most important to the story and keep them. Toss the rest. - Talk to a teacher or find an article online about writing dialogue. You may be told that you are a good writer, but that is one area where you need some help. - Also, I know you were trying to make the story unclear, but there are other ways to pull it off. This way doesn't make the story unclear. It just makes your writing look sloppy and made me want to stop reading after the second paragraph.

I'm really sorry if I have offended you, but these are things that you are eventually going to hear if you pursue writing professionally or if you keep trying to get feedback from people when your writing is in this state of crisis. I know a lot of people here have been nice and said how well you write and what a good job you've done blahblahblah bull shit, but this was awful. Not because of the story, but because of your presentation. Don't spend the time asking people to read your writing if it's looking like this, alright?

Screen shot 2013-10-24 at 1.22.30 pm

about 6 years ago Tobi Fabian said:

I like the story of this piece, even though I'm not the biggest fan of werewolves. I'm not even going to mention the grammar because everyone else basically said what I would have. Also, I would love a bit more description in the beginning because I was a bit lost throughout the first paragraphs. Otherwise, I think you have a wonderful start! Keep working and good luck in the contest! ~Tobi