Between Neighbors

Between Neighbors

1 chapter / 1489 words

Approximately 7 minutes to read

Description:

SHORT STORY - Gun shots and blood at a neighborhood party tip Anna and Colt over the edge of friendship into something much more.

Comments(1)

034

almost 6 years ago Jarvis said:

Heartrending. Excellent. Incredible, with a good ending and a wonderful cover!

Reviews(1)

Beautyisintheeyeofthebeholder

almost 6 years ago Margaret K. said:

The plot here is awesome, and it was carried through really well. There were a few grammar errors and things that could have flowed better, as you will find below. Sorry if things come off as blunt and maybe a little mean. But at least now you can work towards being better.

a.)"The waiter seemed to hold a muted rage. " This reads awkwardly. And it's repetitive. It doesn't flow too well with the dialogue before it. Flipping those two parts so it reads, "'How's your father?' asked Damian, the waiter, in a gruff voice. He seemed to be holding back some sort of rage. 'I've heard he's quite busy.'" might help the piece flow better. :) b.)"He reached into his apron's pocket and pulled out a notepad and pen." It would sound better if it was written as, "Reaching into his apron pocket and pulling out a pen, he said...etc." c.) "The boy looked at the girl that sat on the other side of the booth. " The girl is Annaliese, right? That part was a little unclear at first, but I see it now. Annaliese is such a pretty name, too. d.)"It's a english paper and we're just..." Just a grammar error. It should be "English." e.)"'Oh, right. What do I know? I just named you.'" The last sentence was unclear. Does that mean the he is now going to call her Annaliese or what? f.)"They eventually left and crouched over Colt's laptop in his parent's living room. Books sprawled the floor around the couch they sat on and the blue light of the T.V. flashed in their watery eyes." This paragraph is confusing, and a bit too fast paced. Maybe, "They eventually paid and left the store to return home, only to be crouched over Colt's laptop in his parents' living room. Books were sprawled the floor around the couch they sat on and the blue light of the T.V. flashed in their watery eyes," would work best. g.)"placing food warming lamps above the food." There is no need for the first food. It's repetitive with it. h.)"slapped socked feet..." Shouldn't it be "slapping" instead? i.)"dived in and the broad-shouldered Senator..." Wouldn't it be "dove in"? j.)"confused at the comment..." That sounds awkward. It would probably be best if it were changed to, "confused by the comment." k.)"She was confused and felt a static in her head." If someone's brother had just committed suicide and shot the Senator, wouldn't they be crying? And angry? It would be overwhelming, no?

This was really good! It's quite heart-wrenching--continue!