Apocalyptic Love

Apocalyptic Love

10 chapters / 7902 words

Approximately 40 minutes to read

Description:

Stereotypical zombies? Only a fallacy.

The world has been taken by a murderous intelligence with dead, grey eyes. Those who are still themselves, still fully human, call it the zombie apocalypse, while others just call it the end of the world.

Zane wakes up in a small basement cell with a hazy memory and a strong sense of foreboding. He is at a loss until Dr. Valum, a man with cold, slate grey eyes and a syringe, confronts him and explains that Zane is no ordinary human. Zane is special, and Mr. Valum wants to conquer his uniqueness.

Jackie was an ordinary girl, living a happy life with her family in California when the apocalypse began. Even her father’s eyes turned grey, and he, too, became the enemy. He kidnapped his youngest daughter, Jackie’s baby sister, and fled their home. Jackie’s older brother fled to the north in search of a cure. With her mother, Jackie plans to travel as far as it takes to find her sister, her missing older brother, and reunite her family once again.

Jackie and Zane’s paths will inevitably intersect as both of them start on the journey of their lives in search of family, freedom, and apocalyptic love.

Comments(10)

Imagesca08xkny

about 6 years ago Jay Bird said:

Wow I love the cover as well as i love the book! Great work please add more!!!

Golddays2

about 6 years ago Maggie Warren said:

I'm not usually into zombie stories...but this is really good. Can't wait to see what happens next! :)

Golddays2

about 6 years ago Maggie Warren said:

I'm not usually into zombie stories...but this is really good. Can't wait to see what happens next! :)

The groove shark

about 6 years ago Lynne Delaine said:

AAHH! What happens next?? I wanna read more, but you said it would be too confuzzling.... :( Anyway, sorry I took so long to get to this--I was working on a new piece. ^^'

Reviews(8)

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over 3 years ago Ellie Williams said:

Hey, Markie!

I'm here to offer my critique on your sixth chapter for The Novel Factor competition. As always, please keep in mind that these are my opinions alone and are by no means the final say-so on anything. Apply my corrections and suggestions as you deem fit.

I agree with Zane--it all seems too easy. My suspicion is keeping me on the edge of my seat, and that's great. It's got an exciting feel to it, this chapter. It's intense, although nothing really happens. I mean, yeah, he escapes from his cell and breaks a door down, but that's it. Exciting stuff, but it's like a teaser.

You know when you go into a bakery, and they offer you the tiniest morsel to sample of the most delicious looking piece of cake you've ever seen? And that tiny morsel does nothing to quinch your craving? Your chapters are so short. You give me an idea of what's to come, but you never let me have it. You have to find a decent balance between too short and too long. Add some bulk to your chapters, give me more than just the straight-forward events. I want to take a moment to savor your story, enjoy it a little more.

There are many ways in which you could accomplish this. You could add subplots that are secondary to your main plot. You could describe the scenery a little more. Use that to help tell your story. For example, you wrote, "...my vision become so stunningly clear that I noticed the wood grain of the white door, the paint gloss, the slight scratches on the door." Instead of telling me this in a single sentence, drag it out. What did the wood grain look like? Was it intricate or smooth or splintering? Did the paint gloss reflect any light? Did the scratches on the door look like it may have come from something sinister? Or were they maybe the effects of wear-and-tear? Those are the kinds of details that could really help to bring your story to life. I'm a huge fan of small details.

You wrote, "It didn't take long for my plan to take effect, and the ring to finally snap." You don't need a comma in this sentence as the bit after the conjunction word is not a complete thought.

You wrote, "After the ring was done, I turned to the cell bars." I questioned the phrasing of this sentence. "After the ring was done..." Done, how? You mean broken? Torn out of the wall? It's the word "done" that bothers me.

You wrote, "Just as I gripped the door handle in my and, and turned it, I felt my eyes dilate, and my vision become so stunningly clear that I noticed the wood grain of the white door, the paint gloss, the slight scratches on the door." I know I already used this sentence previously in this review, but this is a run-on sentence. If you don't want to go with my previous advice (which is your call), I'd suggest breaking this sentence right in half. After the bit about his eyes dilating, begin a new sentence. Also, "become" needs to be in the past tense--became.

You wrote, "Then I turned the handle. It was locked. But should have excepted it." "Excepted", I think, should be "expected". You're missing the word "I" in that sentence, as well. Also, combine the last two sentences. Short, choppy sentences are fine and dandy, but more than a couple back-to-back can become tedious to read.

You wrote, "One last chance at freedom, at humanity. One last memory flashed before my eyes as the door weakened..." Having the phrase "One last..." so close together like that feels repetitive. Instead of that, you could just say, "A memory flashed..." or something to that tune.

You wrote, "After a few minutes I hear a loud crash, a youthful scream, and finally I open my bedroom door." You need a comma after "minutes". Also, to keep the sentence from getting overly punctuated, I would flip the words "finally I" in the last bit to read, "I finally". Otherwise, you need to surround the word "finally" with commas.

You wrote, "Downstairs I find a scene that is forever engraved in my mind; the scene that will drive me for eternity against the zombie race." Semi-colons are used only to combine two complete thoughts that are about similar subjects. The second part of this sentence is not a complete thought, and therefore, you need a comma.

You wrote, "Then, as suddenly as my brother's life was taken from him, the door shattered and I was free." You need a comma before "...and I was free".

Overall, I like the chapter. You end it with a bit of a cliffhanger, and that's always frustrating on the reader's part. But it makes me want to read more. That's the point of writing, right? To drag the reader in and make them want to explore your world more? Great job on engagment. I still wish you'd go into more details, though. That remains my challenge for you. I haven't seen it yet.

Happy writing!

--Ellie

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over 3 years ago Ellie Williams said:

Hi, Markie! I'm filling in for Lisandra once more as your mentor for The Novel Factor. This time, I'll be focusing solely on your fifth chapter as I'm actually up to date this go-around. As always, please be aware that these are merely my opinions. Apply any corrections I suggest as you deem necessary.

Hmm. Everything in your story happens very quickly. He wakes up. Mr. Valum shows up with a syringe. He's injected. He's a zombie again. Mr. Valum leaves. It's very... wham-bam! Thank you, ma'am-ish. You still have a very clear direction in which you want to take this, but I would really love to read more story. Expand on your chapters, give me more substance.

And that's what I'm challenging you with: give me more. I love that you get to the point. It's great. Your focus is to be commended. However, now that you've got the main idea established, it's okay to stray a little bit. Take your time with things and really delve into what's going on. How did Zane feel when Hanna called out to her father? You touched on it, but you kind of shied away from it. Did he feel the same pull as before? Did he feel his blood start to race? Did his eyes lock on her like a sniper? Or did he not feel anything? Did his lack of reaction freak him out?

You imply that he still had function of his mind when you make no mention of it being tainted whatsoever, and you didn't mention there were any emotional changes in him. So, his animal-like reactions (or lack there of) could be alarming to him. That's what I'm getting at. You've glossed over everything, but now I want you to create a texture.

But can I mention the cliffhanger at the end there? Wow, talk about suspense! My mind is racing in about fifteen different directions in which this story could go, and even though half of them are depressing and gory, I'm still rooting for Zane. I want him to escape in whatever means necessary. I don't want him to die, but, ah! He's not in a very good position, is he?

And that was pretty foolish of Mr. Valum. I just questioned his lack of forethought. He seems like a pretty sneaky, intelligent person, and you make it seem like this zombie project is his life's work. If that's the case, wouldn't he have factored in their subhuman strength when cuffing him to the wall? I'm just curious. Maybe he wouldn't, I dunno. You'd know him better than I would. Maybe he miscalculated. That's something you may want to touch on in future chapters, though, if you don't already.

Overall, you've continued nicely. I do like the details you supplied here. Especially the bit about his heart trying to pump the tar-like substance. That was a great touch. It really helped bring to life the thickness and texture of what was being injected into Zane's body. It's slightly disgusting, too, but I think that's the point. Expand on your ideas more. That's what I want to see from you.

Happy writing! =]