Want to follow along with this writing? Sign up Today, it's free and easy
Approximately 3 minutes to read
Maggy was just on vacation with her family when a unexpected hurricane hits. She so realizes that family is dead and she is alone. Told from her P.O.V kind of a work in progress.
over 5 years ago Griffster said:
IT WAS GOOD BUT A BIT FAST AND CONFUSING
over 5 years ago Amanda Cady said:
This starts off very slow and never really picks up. I think the problem is that the narrator tells us about several events, but she never really SHOWS us. Let the reader SEE the devastation of the hurricane. Let her SEE the waterspout (though do waterspouts happen in hurricanes? I always thought that was a tornado thing, but I could be wrong). Also, let us get to know the character a bit before wiping out her entire family. As it is now, I don't feel any sorrow for her because I don't know anything about her. She doesn't seem real to me.
over 5 years ago Salina Alicia said:
It was tense and fast pace it kept my interest and I thought it was a nice plot idea.
over 5 years ago Ze Fluffy Kit on Fire ^3^ said:
hahaha thanks gabby :D
over 5 years ago Lynne Augustine said:
The concept for this story is an interesting one. You've got a lot of interesting things going on here, but it seems a little too rushed. Maybe you should describe your family more, so we as readers will feel sad when they die instead of just shrugging our shoulders. You might also describe the storm more, what you were thinking during all of it, sounds and things you saw during it...
You've got a few misspellings too. My advice is to type this in a Word Document first, spell check it there, and then copy and paste it here. (that's what I do.) ^_^
So I think if you just add a lot more detail and be sure to check for spelling errors, this story will be very good! ^_^
over 5 years ago Amber R. H. said:
I only got through the first chapter. It's intersting, but my opinion is that you should try to attempt a different approach when writing this story. If you read it you'll see some spelling errors and also it's like reading off a list. You TELL us what's happening, not show...
For example through the first chapter you were saying
The next morning we had breakfast and went to a hotel were the reunion was taking place. The wind was really whipping when we left when we got to the reunion all our family was there we stayed for a few hours then we all got into cars and drove to the beach house where the whole family would stay to play for the rest of the day. The surf was going mad when we all got there so we went inside and played some games. Then the power went out so my mom got some flashlights and we had a puppet show. The waves started lapping towards our house and we al started to get worried. The water surrounded the house 3 hours later and we were all trapped.
You could use a whole lot more imagery and dialogue...
The next morning we had breakfast, which was good and helped us plan what we were going to do for the day. After the meal we went to a hotel where the reunion was taking place. The wind was really whipping when we left and as we were driving I thought the furious gusts were going to blow the car right off the road. when we got to the reunion all our family was there. we stayed for a few hours, just chatting and catching up. *(Maybe here she can meet someone or something and talk to that someone and it can be a romance of something. Since it's your story it's okay if you don't use that!)* We all got into our cars and drove to the beach house which is where the whole family would stay to play for the rest of the day. The surf was going mad when we all get there, so instead of braving the waves I encouraged the others to come inside with me and play there. *(You might want to put some dialogue with her encouragement)* We were having a lot of fun, playing silly games *(You can decide the silly games... or whatever thing you want them to do)* All of a sudden the power went out. Mom, who always had a fear of the dark *(Your choice!)* got the flashlights. The light re-illuminated the room, making it feel warm and welcoming *(or however you want it to feel)* again, causing a smile to spread across my face. *(Then maybe someone who's joker of the family, you almost always have a joker, proposes the idea of a puppet show.)* We were laughing and having a wonderful time, feeling like a big happy family. We were also oblivious to the waves beginning to lap toward our house. *(Then someone can look out the window, realize the danger and they all start to get worried, but something could prohibit them getting out of there and then the house floods. Lots of dialogue and action you could put into this scene!)*
This review probably makes me look weird, but I wanted to help... sorry if I butted in and made myself seem like a jerk. You could take it or leave it, whatever you do is fine, I just thought I'd point out that dialogue and actions with your characters make the story not as list-like.
I like the idea, it's interesting...