No More Sunshine

No More Sunshine

1 chapter / 1175 words

Approximately 6 minutes to read

Description:

THIS IS FOR THE TITLED CONTEST.

Hailey has always been seen as a good girl until the night she finally decides to change it.

Comments(39)

Chill-out-slut

about 6 years ago Maryam said:

dude, Steph, this was awesome! totally believable and i love the choppy way you wrote it and the spite and the in-your-face attitude. it sounds super hot haha i imagined this like a movie playing out like what angles and what kinda lights would be used (blame it on my friggin film professor) and its just awesome.

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about 6 years ago Vivian Thai said:

wow I thought this was great! I loved how you clearly showed Hailey's feelings towards being perfect! thanks for the good read!

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about 6 years ago Kwana said:

Whoa. This is pure genius. My favorite line was, "And if you don’t know who you are; how can you ever believe that people truly care about you when the person you are being is just a lie?" It just stood out to me. Keep the good work and good luck with the contest! [:

Neverending6

about 6 years ago Haven Fowler said:

wow..... very deep and....just wow! That was very good!

Reviews(1)

Annoyed3

about 6 years ago Ness said:

Interesting format! I really loved the beginning of this. You get a feel for Hailey's state of mind.

I think you do need a bit more description, though, of the showing/telling variety. I'm pretty sure you've heard the ol' show vs tell before but it really applies here. Show us what made Hailey a good girl - don't just tell us from the point of view of her and her ex. For all we know she could have been a huge whore and she's an unreliable narrator ;)

I liked the concept of the story a lot and I think if you have shown a bit of Hailey's "past life" I would've loved it a lot more. Good job overall, and good luck!