My Brother and His Wife

My Brother and His Wife

1 chapter / 1378 words

Approximately 7 minutes to read

Description:

Finalist in the Callie Contest. Didn't win, unfortunately... Oh well, Let me know what you think.

Comments(26)

Disneyprincess

over 5 years ago Amme Forever said:

I like this. It wasn't very moving, I guess, but good language and the journal format. It feels a little rushed, as if there aren't enough plot or something, but overall nice piece.

Disneyprincess

over 5 years ago Amme Forever said:

I like this. It wasn't very moving, I guess, but good language and the journal format. It feels a little rushed, as if there aren't enough plot or something, but overall nice piece.

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over 5 years ago kat said:

I don't think the entries seemed to be very realistic as a journal entry. But that's my opinion.

But otherwise it was pretty well done, very simple. Good luck.

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over 5 years ago Kimberly said:

WOAH! really great piece you got here! i was a bit confused as to what was happening and why it was taking place for only a few parts. i know there's a word limit, so i'm not going to really complain about how you should probably add more descriptions and elaborate more. honestly, i thought it was a bit rushed. other than that, the plot was great and i really enjoyed reading it.

Reviews(1)

Images

over 5 years ago Fiona said:

Warning: harsh critique:

“My brother had already caught up to his wife (comma) so I stayed back(comma) keeping an eye around for any problems,(period, not comma) I was a trained security guard and knowing where we were, I felt it better to keep an eye out for trouble.”

‘ “well… I, uh, I’m the daughter of a drug dealer.” ’ “well” should be capitalized.

I feel that this whole piece needs some work. The writing style is simple. It doesn’t give me complex thoughts and details about what is going on. An idea that might have worked with a stronger plot is clique and odd.

Personally, I feel the writing isn’t too mature. You need to create characters that can be related too, characters that are real. Characters that the reader cares about and wants to get to know.

I don’t see that happening here. The characters are too distant, and they are not realistic. If you want to make this work, then it needs to be revised and edited. Be the reader, not the writer.