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Approximately 3 minutes to read
Let the angels have their heaven. A vignette I wrote forever ago.
over 5 years ago Alex Biehl said:
i love it!
great job :)
over 5 years ago Amme Forever said:
This really hooked me in!
over 5 years ago Anya Fox said:
Wow this is by far the most well-written descriptions I've ever read in one piece! Such fabulous imagery! this is amazing :)
over 5 years ago Jex said:
sometimes there was too much detail though generally very good(:
over 5 years ago Fiona said:
Wow. Mysterious, startling, outspoken... great job with this.
"Every time he lays his eyes upon him, he feels as if the legendary clouds of Heaven must be darkening with his earthly (corrupting) taint."
I feel that the parentheses make it awkward, and that a better forum of separation would be dashes:
"Every time he lays his eyes upon him, he feels as if the legendary clouds of Heaven must be darkening with his earthly--corrupting--taint."
or better yet, just italicized.
"Every time he lays his eyes upon him, he feels as if the legendary clouds of Heaven must be darkening with his earthly corrupting taint."
And in the first line, "TEARS SLIDE LIKE EBONY RAINDROPS" doesn't need to be capitalized and emboldened. Maybe just bold, or just italicized. The capitols don't make it look as crisp as you would think.
Other then that, there is a strong, beautiful piece right here. There might be a couple grammar things that I missed, but might not.