Lae and Leo

Lae and Leo

26 chapters / 6201 words

Approximately 31 minutes to read


((work in progress. Co-written with Rosa Dolson.))


about 5 years ago Emilee Winter said:

Please add more!! I really love this!! Your quite talented.


over 5 years ago Carolina Garza said:

WHAAAAAT??? Locked after chapter 5? No fair! I want more please!


almost 6 years ago Elaine Harlington said:

This world is so beautifully crafted with tons of hard work and thought put in. The names are gratifying for the time period also. Good work!


almost 6 years ago Ibelin said:

Here for the edit. Nice job! Only one thing: You don't "knock" an arrow. You "nock" an arrow.



about 6 years ago Liv & Row said:

Hi! It's Row over here! I read the first few chapters, and I plan on finishing the piece. I know I'm a little late, it's just that I've just been fighting for computer time with the family, and struggling for time to write and read! But anyway, I wanted to review the piece so you knew I haven't been completely slackin'! First of all, I wish you luck with the collaboration! Secondly, although I like this idea Okay. THe first chapter slash prologue? I've never been too crazy about this style of telling the entire situation to the reader before the story really starts. I hope you're not offended by this, but I think TELLING the reader the story is kind of lazy, when with just a little more effort, you can SHOW the reader the story. The same thing? I beg to differ. As you pointed out in Blade of Ice, I prefer to give out information slowly and piece by piece. It gives the readers incentive to read and makes the piece a bit more mysterious. I would definitely write that first chapter differently. Maybe a scene ith the leader of the guild that wants to take the throne? and invade his thoughts a little in the narraration, and then drag his thoughts to Lae and how she was sent to lok at Leo? That's just opinion, but I think you should consider it all the same. I didn't see alot of errors in the piece, however, I do want to point out a flaw that I found painfully obvious. VERY IMPORTANT STUFF RIGHT HERE! Although you describe characters in startling detail, (not always necessary, a little less of it would be fine,) You almost completely neglected the setting. I have bascially no mental image for the archery contest. Seriously, is it forest? village square? Wide plain with a town in the distance? I have absolutely no idea! It's exactly the same with the forest. Is it tame? Wild? Pine? Oak? Bruah filled? Verdant? For sure, your character descriptions are great, and really extensive. But although great books have been written where the main character is barely described at all, (I.E. The Book Thief by Markus Zusak,) NO story cannot survive without a real setting. This is serious shiz, and it really needs to be fixed and enhanced. No kidding around, no "don't listen to me unless you want to" stuff, this seriously needs fixing! This would take an the okay beginning of a story nad make it publishing quality! Okay, moving on. I like Lae, and Leo. Both are believeable characters, and likeable ones so far. I really liked the line: "If there was a better way to attarct a thief, and a male one at that, she didn't know it." It's definitely fun! I'd love to see a little more banter between the two of them though. He seems like the mischivious typ who'd love sarcasm and wit. SHe seems like the type that'd have great comebacks. So that would help develop their characters a little more, and put in some more fun, sassy, snappy dialogue. That's all I've got for now. Please please please at least CONSIDer givign us an idea on setting!!! Best of luck, ~Row


about 6 years ago J. Renea said:

Great story! So far I've only gotten to the crazy Rolling Pin Lady chapter, but I wanted to comment so that you didn't think I ignored my end of the deal. I do plan on finishing this because I really enjoyed the read thus far.

There are a few grammar/spelling errors that need to be fixed, but the overall writing is quite well. Your description of both the characters and their actions are good. The rhythm and pace of the story is consistent and that helps to keep the reader engaged in the story.

I'm not sure on the direction of the plot, but I really like the road it's taking to get there. Already the chemistry between the two main characters is good, and I can see it only getting better. If the plot truly is to overthrow the king, I wonder what part these two play in it...

Which brings me to character development. It's great, plain and my opinion anyways. Lae's really admirable in that tough girl, take no crap sense. Leo seems to be a charmer, with maybe the tendency to break a heart, which always helps with the unknown factor of what will happen next question.

Overall, again real good work. I am definitely going to finish now.